Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC.
Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.
Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.
For starters, we started the year with an amount of money, which, due to a fire at the bank, was lost forever. Afterward, we were awarded literally dozens of dollars in a settlement. As we all know, this was mostly spent on buying electricity and registering for some thing on the World Wide Web’s Internet. The initial idea of buying all our electricity at once in the form of car batteries turned out to be not very cost effective, and the resulting environmental lawsuit for improper disposal in the center of the Franklin football field covered in a blue tarp and doused with kerosene would have been catastrophic, had they caught us. Luckily the guards there are quite slow and can be taken down with just one or two bullets.
From there, we decided to create content and have pizza parties, and I must say those were some delicious and financially devastating parties. In all, we spent a good 800% of our income on party related items, including a palate of conical hats we stole from a supply warehouse but never wore, mainly because the police were on lookout for a cohort of hat thieves wearing stolen hats. We also disposed of those in the center of the football field at Franklin, covered in a green tarp (to be environmentally friendly) and doused in Diesel fuel.
Additionally, there were some medical bills we had to shell out for when Tanzmetall and Grabass Champion got into that knife fight and Nervestaple had to break it up by firing a flare gun at them. Flares are expensive, and that knife was bent when it glanced off Tanzmetall’s skull. There were also close to eight thousand dollars in travel expenses when we flew to Montana to interview shellapanic, even though we never found her. (Aside: Where were you? We ended up next to some cows. Were there cows near you?)
As far as paying for our registration and whatnot, I suggest that we go to our ISP with baseball bats and threaten them, because that’s the only way Comcast will learn. After that, we should contact our domain registrar and pay with a credit card.
That concludes this report, which will be submitted to our bank in order to prove our financial stability. Below please find some selected financial data:
Cash on hand: $38.44 (metric)
Investments: one female Canadian dog grooming championship team
Revenue Expected: $23.99 (imperial) and one hundred kilograms of 99.999% pure Chinese gold bullion (hint hint GBC)
