Possessed Fax Generator

We have a system that generates a fax form using bits of information we input. With this one I put in very standard information, and somehow got this out of it.

This may be what’s wrong with the economy

I recently secured a desk job. That’s right, Grabass_Champion of gas station and pizza delivery fame was entrusted with a cubicle, a computer with TWO (count ‘em,) TWO monitors, and the capacity to send faxes to any damn fax machine on this planet. (Sometimes he faxes Iran images of Mohammed just for fun.)

So we don’t all forget each other’s names in this office environment, we all have signs on our cubicles with our names on them. The standard sign for my employment level looks like this:

One day when there was really nothing left to do, I got paid more than I’ve ever made in my life to painstakingly use Paint to turn it into this:

External Combustion is the Wave of the Future

Try to forget climate change for just a moment. If that was somehow no longer an issue (e.g. if Al Gore actually did make it up so that he could buy a giant house), Peak Oil still dictates that we’ll soon need to find other ways to generate energy and/or greatly modify our model of civilization and of opulence. The recent oil rig explosions have been just more icing on a dinosaur-shaped cake that’s been sitting in the fridge for a long time. However! An idea just came to me in a violent flash of yellow and orange light.

While Peak Oil means that oil is getting scarcer, burning oil rigs seem to paradoxically becoming more plentiful.As such, why not harness their combustive powers for something constructive?

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Top 10 Appropriate Places to Listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns’n'Roses

10. Upon touching down in an airport in an actual jungle, possibly within the Amazon River Basin.
9. None. There are no other appropriate places to listen to this song. Not. One.
4. ????
3. . . .
1. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t really like the song very much.

Nom de Pomme’s Incredible Island Adventure or: Ten Countries in as Many Days

June 12th, 2011. I have washed up on an uninhabited islet after my small yacht was capsized by hurricane winds here in the south Caribbean Sea. I managed to save my backpack which contained this notebook and several pens. I will go about building a shelter and finding water.

June 13th. What luck! There is a fresh spring inland a few hundred yards where a great many sea-birds nest and also turtles could be found. Combined with coconuts there will be plenty of food for me. I have taken shelter in a lean-to.

June 14th. I have taken a turtle as my pet. His name is Fluffy. A map I found in my pack indicates this land’s name is Trieste Island, though it does not indicate which country it belongs to. I have stockpiled several coconuts next to my lean-to for late night snacking.

June 15th. Finding little to do, I have decided to complete an exercise in political activity. I hereby declare that Trieste Island is now the Kingdom of Trieste, and install myself as His Highness King Nom I of the House of de Pomme. Fluffy is hereby Duke of the Water-Spring and I have knighted three coconuts.

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List of Words I Am Attempting to Use More Often

In the spirit of advancing my vocabulary, I have started trying to substitute in casual conversation different words for the common ones typically used by people my age.

Yay – Huzzah
Awesome – Prodigious
Crappy – Ramshackle
Here – Hither
There – Yon
Idiotic – Antiwise
Confident – Indefatigable
Strong – Redoubtable
Large – Titanic
Go – Venture
Try – Endeavor
Discover – Remove from the foggy ether

I invite all of you to venture and endeavor this for yourselves for a full day. Bonus points if you dress like it is 1910. Have a prodigiously indefatigable day!

Holy shit, I just burned my hand

Is this the Internet Help Line? I need help, I just spilled boiling water on my hand. I think it boiled away at least two of my fingers, I can’t really tell how many because I hit my head and can’t see straight. Now I won’t even be able to use the water to make spaghetti like I was planning.

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Hellowing again

Consider this email to be final correspondance of amazing and prodigious employment oppertunity. For small nominal and unrefundable fee can you peddle wares of VISHNAY AND RAJI CORP on the streets of PITTSBURGH. Imagine friends and loved ones as you make use of time and create profit for all your orifices. Reply in today frame for tote complimentary. You cannot loose!

Charles H. Americaname.

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The Seeds of Myself: A melondrama by Norm D. Apple

Enter Mr. Water
Ho and what is this? My daughter Honeydew and her lover in mine marriage bed! Avast! Go for the into the wretched sun and be squeltched.

Honeydew: Nay for I am with fertility due to my boyfriend, C. Antelope. Would you kill thine own grandfruit what in passion persists to destroy?

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List of Misconceptions

MYTH The Bismarck was sunk by a biplane.
FACT Allied marine commandos hijacked the Bismarck after swimming to the Denmark Strait from Ireland and pointed the guns down at her own decks, fired, then swam back to the UK.

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Clunkline Forums are back up


Point/Counterpoint: Listen to me!

Point: Listen to me, you’ve gotta help me!

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Point/Counterpoint: Existential entomological empiricism

Point: Existential entomological empiricism is crap!

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Man Attaches Large Engine To Small Thing

Local man Hank Kilber was discovered today to have attached a large engine to something rather small. “Well I wanted to give this little thing just a whole lot more power.”

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Verbose Shirt