We have a system that generates a fax form using bits of information we input. With this one I put in very standard information, and somehow got this out of it.
I recently secured a desk job. That’s right, Grabass_Champion of gas station and pizza delivery fame was entrusted with a cubicle, a computer with TWO (count ‘em,) TWO monitors, and the capacity to send faxes to any damn fax machine on this planet. (Sometimes he faxes Iran images of Mohammed just for fun.)
So we don’t all forget each other’s names in this office environment, we all have signs on our cubicles with our names on them. The standard sign for my employment level looks like this:
One day when there was really nothing left to do, I got paid more than I’ve ever made in my life to painstakingly use Paint to turn it into this:
Try to forget climate change for just a moment. If that was somehow no longer an issue (e.g. if Al Gore actually did make it up so that he could buy a giant house), Peak Oil still dictates that we’ll soon need to find other ways to generate energy and/or greatly modify our model of civilization and of opulence. The recent oil rig explosions have been just more icing on a dinosaur-shaped cake that’s been sitting in the fridge for a long time. However! An idea just came to me in a violent flash of yellow and orange light.
10. Upon touching down in an airport in an actual jungle, possibly within the Amazon River Basin.
June 12th, 2011. I have washed up on an uninhabited islet after my small yacht was capsized by hurricane winds here in the south Caribbean Sea. I managed to save my backpack which contained this notebook and several pens. I will go about building a shelter and finding water.
June 13th. What luck! There is a fresh spring inland a few hundred yards where a great many sea-birds nest and also turtles could be found. Combined with coconuts there will be plenty of food for me. I have taken shelter in a lean-to.
June 14th. I have taken a turtle as my pet. His name is Fluffy. A map I found in my pack indicates this land’s name is Trieste Island, though it does not indicate which country it belongs to. I have stockpiled several coconuts next to my lean-to for late night snacking.
June 15th. Finding little to do, I have decided to complete an exercise in political activity. I hereby declare that Trieste Island is now the Kingdom of Trieste, and install myself as His Highness King Nom I of the House of de Pomme. Fluffy is hereby Duke of the Water-Spring and I have knighted three coconuts.
In the spirit of advancing my vocabulary, I have started trying to substitute in casual conversation different words for the common ones typically used by people my age.
Yay – Huzzah
I invite all of you to venture and endeavor this for yourselves for a full day. Bonus points if you dress like it is 1910. Have a prodigiously indefatigable day!
Is this the Internet Help Line? I need help, I just spilled boiling water on my hand. I think it boiled away at least two of my fingers, I can’t really tell how many because I hit my head and can’t see straight. Now I won’t even be able to use the water to make spaghetti like I was planning.
Consider this email to be final correspondance of amazing and prodigious employment oppertunity. For small nominal and unrefundable fee can you peddle wares of VISHNAY AND RAJI CORP on the streets of PITTSBURGH. Imagine friends and loved ones as you make use of time and create profit for all your orifices. Reply in today frame for tote complimentary. You cannot loose!
Enter Mr. Water
IN THE THIRD MONTH, JESUS ROSE ONCE MORE, AGAIN… KIND OF.
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