A.k.a. “NO”

Excerpts from Bulletin Board Posting Headlines at Woolford Community College, Juniper City, Michigan

-Quality 24 inch rims for sale, slightly stolen.
-Free rideshare to Detroit, chip in for ammo
-Babysitting and armed robbery for hire, call 724 858 8185.
-Information session on roads leading out of Michigan. Directions to Chicago, Minneapolis, New York available.
-Pimp-Master D’s Prosta-Service: Planning an event? Don’t forget the flams. Birthdays, Client entertainment, national holidays.
-Army Recruitment Info Sessions today at 2:00, 2:15, 2:30, 2:45, 3:00, 3:15, 3:30, 3:45, 4:00, 4:15, 4:30, 4:45, and 5:00.
-‘Please stop throwing trash through our front door’ The real story of how a neighborhood was turned into a landfill overnight due to a misprinted county ordinance. Author visiting next week.

Nom de Pomme writes article referencing obscure historical events and figures, relatable only to himself and possibly Tanzmetall

Manhattan – Clunkline staff writer Nom de Pomme has taken it upon himself to write yet another front-page article for the well known satire website whose humor is derived directly from some sort of obscure historical events and people that most have never heard of. Sources indicate the inspiration for this article came from another day-long reading spree of wikipedia and happening upon some random sort of thing he had never known of before.

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I have approved this message

Hello,

My name is Prester John and I am running for the state house of Delaware. Some of you might now me as the legendary medival king of an equally legendary medeval kingdom in India/Kazakhstan/Ethiopia. Well, those days are past and for the past 25 years my wife Carol and I have considered ourselves full fledged Delawareans.

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Job Application Additional Materials

To Whom it May Concern:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hello,

I am writing to submit additional matériel for the position I previously applied to recently in the near past. Please review at your leisure and combine with my other qualifications in your estimation of my dedication.

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Would you like steamed or fried transgression?

Norm D. Apple’s statement of interest for Position #82945 at Denny’s Restaurants INC.

Prior to my being working in various faculties around the globe for the past several years, my life’s passion had been the food service industry. I believe that Position #82945 (Dish Washer I) would afford me the spiritual and physical self-realization that I have not been able to find in the world of academia.

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DIRIGIBLE FUNDS

Dear Sir,

I am attempting a polar expedition utilizing the new dirigible America. We will succeed where others have frozen solid, in traversing the frozen north until we come upon the pole of the Earth. To this end, I am asking for a meager 75,000$ in gold to secure the necessary provisions and film-cameras for our crew. Remember, it will be with great renown that we will land and advertise any business who invests in this venture at the pole itself.

Thanks,

Falter Fellman

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New from Milton-Bradley: BAIL OUT!

Play against your friends as a group of daring allied fighter pilots who have been shot down over enemy territory. Make your way through the European countryside as you attempt to escape to Sweden, Switzerland, or England.

Team up with underground resistance and partisans to report and sabotage enemy troop movements, materiel, and infrastructure.

But watch out! The Huns are out in force and you can be spotted by a patrol at any time! Get caught and be sent to the stalag! Game over!

Only the best flying aces can make it back to their own units and take revenge on the pilots who shot them down. Are you brave enough to…BAIL OUT!?

A Mischievous Cycle

In order to maintain sanity in the face of overwhelmingly crushed dreams, the average white collar office worker goes through a dramatic yet regular pattern during the course of a work week with very little exception.

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Typo on Last Night at the Proms Programs Causes Rousing Chorus of “Rule, Brittany!” to be Sung, and as a Consequence, France now owns the UK

Citing a ridiculous act of Parliament from 1848, French President Nicholas Sarcozy jumped on the 24-hour window of opportunity afforded to “whomever shall be in charge of France” to claim ownership of the United Kingdom and the Crown itself if “ever a song honoring those frog-eaters is sung in our capital, by Jove they can have the bloody mess.”

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New Army ‘Killdozer’ to Pull Out All The Stops

Fort Knox, KT

At the US army armor headquarters at Fort Knox today, top generals and the secretary of defense unveiled a new fighting vehicle designed to completely fulfill any and every battlefield role.

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Yeti Attack!

CHEYENNE – Several thousand Yeti and Sasquatch have finally revealed themselves to humankind today when an army of the previously cryptozoologic creatures parachuted into and took over the capital of Wyoming, Cheyenne.

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Please Report For Mustering In

You have been selected to join the Pittsburgh militia. Please report to 812 Penn avenue and bring your firearm of choice, five pounds of provisions, and three sets of moccasins. The territorial governor has mandated that all able-bodied men join in the campaign to overrun and destroy the Connecticut menace.

good day,

Cecil John Wormasterson, Maj.

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FutureReport 2045: The March to End Glasflub

We all know the impact the Glasflub has had on daily life, but there are still millions of angry opponents who are organizing a march protest on the streets of HyperWashington 2.0 this weekend.

“Glasflub represents something that I disagree with” said organizer Harry Frendlestein “I cannot make that point clear enough”

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