So you bought some salmon thinking, “Gee, I’ve had good salmon out in restaurants, I’d bet I can make it at home for so much cheaper!” But then it dawns on you: I have no idea how to cook salmon. Here’s your step by step guide to making the perfect salmon entree, provided for free courtesy of your good friend Hedge.
Step 1: Search online for how to cook salmon
2 tbsp. lemon juice
1/4 c. packed brown sugar
4 Market Day salmon fillets
1 tbsp. butter, melted
4 thin slices lemon
8 tsp. brown sugar
Heat oven to 375 degrees. Pour lemon juice into ungreased rectangular baking dish, 11″ x 7 1/2″ x 2″; sprinkle with 1/4 cup brown sugar. Arrange fillets in dish; drizzle with butter. Bake uncovered 15 minutes; turn. Place 1 slice lemon on each salmon fillet; sprinkle with 2 teaspoons brown sugar. Bake until fish flakes easily with fork, 15 to 20 minutes longer. Serve with juices from dish.
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That was easy. And the recipe doesn’t sound too difficult. On to step two!
Step 2: Figure out what you’re missing
2 tbsp. lemon juice
√ 1/4 c. packed brown sugar
√ 4 Market Day salmon fillets
√ 1 tbsp. butter, melted
4 thin slices lemon
√ 8 tsp. brown sugar
Well, that’s most of it. But the lemon kind of seems important.
Step 3: Compensate
So I need something moisture-like to substitute the lemon juice. I guess canola oil is slippery, it should work. And then I need a lemon slice to put on top? Some of this leftover ground-up Kellogg’s Corn Flakes can work instead. It just needs to go on top while it’s cooking, I’m sure it will be fine.
Step 4: Improvise
Okay, getting a glass dish, pouring some oil in in, and something with brown sugar? Eh, I’ll just sprinkle some in there and see if that works. I guess it doesn’t make sense to have it below the skin. Flip it over to get some on top, rub it around a bit, that’s good enough. Melt the butter, mix in the corn flake crumbs, and spread that on top too. Now then, I don’t think it would be a good idea to turn it over partway through. Crank up the heat to 400 and check back in 10 to make sure it’s not too overdone.
Step 5: Do something else for 10 minutes
Personally, I like to hum the Jeopardy Final Question theme twenty times in a row. Preferably around other people.
Step 6: Really really hope it’s not on fire
Wow, that actually doesn’t look that bad. Almost done, even. Not going to keep it on 400, though. I think I’ll turn it down to 325 and let the insides cook for five more minutes.
Step 7: Serve to an unsuspecting audience
Always, ALWAYS serve your newest creations to somebody else first. If you undercooked something and just crisped the outside a bit, it’s best to know that before you eat some. Well, my dad seems to like it. I guess it’s safe to eat.
Step 8: Consume the now safe to eat fish
Hmm, this is actually quite good. I’m not sure how I managed that, but this is easily the best salmon I’ve had at home, whether prepared by me or someone else. I am astonished at my own awesomeness! Gold star for the day!
Step 9: Pawn off cleaning the dishes
You have several choices here. You can go with the ‘I cooked the meal, so I don’t need to clean up.’ line, the disappearing act where you just leave the table and hide in your room for a while, or my option of having previous plans that require me to leave pretty much exactly when dinner was over. Just make sure you don’t look like you’re shirking responsibility, and you can usually get away with it.
Step 10: Write down the modified recipe – you’ve still got half of the salmon left
1 or more salmon fillets
1 stick margarine, melted
some brown sugar
some canola oil
some corn flake crumbs
Heat oven to 400 degrees. Pour canola oil into glass baking dish; sprinkle with brown sugar until it looks good. Place fillet(s) in dish skin-side up. Flip fillet(s), rub in canola oil/ brown sugar mix, adding more as needed to get full coverage. Melt margarine in small bowl. Clean out microwave because the margarine exploded a bit. Mix in corn flake crumbs until it’s more solid than liquid. Pour evenly over the fillet(s), making sure to get some on the sides for full coverage. Bake in oven for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 for another 5 minutes. If the rest of the meal is still not done, turn off the oven leaving fillet(s) inside. When ready, take out of the oven using mitts or something to not burn yourself. Remove fillet(s) from the dish using a spatula; remove skin if desired. Serve hot.
[Author's Note: This final recipe actually works for cooking salmon, and tastes great. Some other breading may be substituted for the corn flake crumbs if desired.]