DEAR SIR
PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE FACT THAT THE ROYAL OPERA-TROPE COMPANY HAS MADE ME AN OFFER OF A STIPEND
FULL STOP
POSTSCRIPT, THAT IS TO SAY, THEY SHALL BE AWARDING ME WITH MONETARY COMPENSATION FOR MY ABILITIES AND SERVICES
***
DEAR SIR, IT IS LIKELY THE TRANSMISSION MEDIUM IS EXPERIENCING FAULTS. YOUR MESSAGE CAME THROUGH AS ‘MADE ME AN OFFER OF A SLUTPEN’ PLEASE CONFIRM
***
MESSAGE CONFIRMED
***
MOST AMAZING STOP SLUTPEN VERY GOOD FOR CORRALLING SLUTS FULL STOP
PLEASE RAISE CAIRO AND INFORM OF INVASION OF 4F4EFHHFNNNSWWWW4RFREWEFFFFEFW
SORRY MY CAT WALKED ON THE TRANSMITTER-TYPESETTER
***
SIR JONATHAN CAIRO IS ASLEEP AND HAS GIVEN STRICT ORDERS THAT HE IS NOT TO BE BOTHERED EXCEPT IN THE EVENT OF HIS WIFE REPORTING HIS BABY’S FIRST WORD
***
INTERESTING IF TRUE
PLEASE RELAY PROCEEDINGS OF INTERVIEWS FOR THE ROYAL OPERA-TROPE COMPANY
***
SIR JONATHAN CAIRO HAS LEFT STRICT INSTRUCTIONS THAT HIS MACHINE IS NOT TO BE USED FOR TRANSMISSION OF REVIEWS OF ANY OPERAS WRITTEN IN THE VULGAR TONGUE
***
PERHAPS WHEN WE ARE BACK IN SPITHEAD TOGETHER YOU CAN SHOW ME THE INSTRUCTIONS AND I WILL STAND CORRECTED. UNTIL THEN BE ADVISED THE VICE RAJ REQUIRES THIS DISPATCH
**
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE
ALL THESE YEARS, I HAVE BEEN MAKING UP SIR JONATHAN CAIRO
HE IS NOT REAL
***
GODS WORD!
***
HIS MANIFOLD ”ORDERS” REFLECT WHAT I DO AND DO NOT FEEL INCLINED TO DO AT ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT
AND NOW I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT IN A WEB OF MY LIES
***
I SHALL HAVE TO CONTACT THE FIRST LORD BY PACK-TRAIN IMMEDIATELY YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT KIND OF TRANSMITTING-TYPESETTER ARE YOU?
***
IN FACT I FABRICATED HIS ENLISTMENT PAPERS AS AN OFFICER AND HAVE BEEN PILFERING HIS SUPPOSED PAY, RATIONS, AND SLAVES AS MY OWN
PM I SPEND MOST OF THE MONEY ON WHORES AND GAMBLING AND SOMETIMES I EVEN GAMBLE WHORES
I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE IN THIS FASHION
***
DO YOU LET THE WHORES GAMBLE?
***
OF COURSE NOT, I AM NOT AN IRISHMAN
***
AT LEAST YOU SAVE YOURSELF THAT HUMILATION
THE VICE RAJ HAS JUST SEEN THE SPOOLED PRINT OF OUR RELAY AND HAS SPIT UP HIS CURRIED LAMB IN DISGUST
***
OH DEAR MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES
I HAD INTENDED FOR OUR CORRESPONDENCE TO REMAIN OF A PRIVATE CHARACTER
UNTIL I HAD TIME AS TO DISCERN YOUR DISPOSITION FOR CONSPIRACY
***
THE VICE RAJ ORDERED THE TRANSMITTER BE RELOCATED FROM TELEGRAPH MOUNT TO THE THRONE HALL FOR THE SAKE OF IMPRESSION
HE SEES ALL COMMUNICATION
***
IN PAYMENT FOR ELIMINATING THE THREAT OF THE VICE RAJ AND KEEPING MY SECRET, I SHALL TRADE YOU TWENTY-ONE WHORES AND SIX HUNDRED POUNDS
***
DESPITE A SIGNIFIGANT DROP IN BAUD RATE
THE VICE RAJ HAS OFFERED ME DOUBLE JUST NOW TO NOT DO IT
HELLO HELLO THIS IS THE VICE RAJ
HOW DO I TRANSMIT?
OH JUST HIT THIS LEVER?
OK
AH YES
THIS IS THE VICE RAJ
WITH WHOM AM I TRANSMITTING?
***
UM
THIS IS BOB
YES
***
HELLO BOB
***
BOB ROBERTSON
THIS IS NOT SIR GERALD FITZHUGHGIBBON
HE IS AWAY RIGHT NOW AND IS NOT THE PERSON SENDING THIS MESSAGE
***
GOOD MR. ROBERTSON YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THE SLANDER OF SIR FITZHUGHGIBBON IS A SERIOUS OFFENCE
MY TYPESETTER WAS CONVINCED YOU WERE HIM AND CONDUCTION TREASONOUS ACTS
I WILL BE WILLING TO OVERLOOK THIS FOR 10% OF ALL FUTURE GAMBLING INCOME AND WHORES
ARE WE UNDERSTOOD?
I WILL ALSO WHIP MY TYPESETTER FOR NOT BEING MORE DISCERNING
***
…YES YOU CAN HAVE SOME MONEY
I WILL GO NOW
***
VERY GOOD SEND TO 1 INDIA ST., INDIA, BRITISH EMPIRE
HERE IS MY TYPESETTER AGAIN
WOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT
***
LOL NOPE
***
MY LORD YOU ARE STILL ON THE KEYBOARD
WHAT
WHO IS THAT
MY LORD
WHAT
PLEASE PUT DOWN THE TYPESETTINGS
OH SORRY
OK
NOW WHAT THE HELL MAN
