Transmitting Typesetters

DEAR SIR
PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE FACT THAT THE ROYAL OPERA-TROPE COMPANY HAS MADE ME AN OFFER OF A STIPEND
FULL STOP

POSTSCRIPT, THAT IS TO SAY, THEY SHALL BE AWARDING ME WITH MONETARY COMPENSATION FOR MY ABILITIES AND SERVICES

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DEAR SIR, IT IS LIKELY THE TRANSMISSION MEDIUM IS EXPERIENCING FAULTS. YOUR MESSAGE CAME THROUGH AS ‘MADE ME AN OFFER OF A SLUTPEN’ PLEASE CONFIRM

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MESSAGE CONFIRMED

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MOST AMAZING STOP SLUTPEN VERY GOOD FOR CORRALLING SLUTS FULL STOP

PLEASE RAISE CAIRO AND INFORM OF INVASION OF 4F4EFHHFNNNSWWWW4RFREWEFFFFEFW

SORRY MY CAT WALKED ON THE TRANSMITTER-TYPESETTER

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SIR JONATHAN CAIRO IS ASLEEP AND HAS GIVEN STRICT ORDERS THAT HE IS NOT TO BE BOTHERED EXCEPT IN THE EVENT OF HIS WIFE REPORTING HIS BABY’S FIRST WORD

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INTERESTING IF TRUE

PLEASE RELAY PROCEEDINGS OF INTERVIEWS FOR THE ROYAL OPERA-TROPE COMPANY

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SIR JONATHAN CAIRO HAS LEFT STRICT INSTRUCTIONS THAT HIS MACHINE IS NOT TO BE USED FOR TRANSMISSION OF REVIEWS OF ANY OPERAS WRITTEN IN THE VULGAR TONGUE

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PERHAPS WHEN WE ARE BACK IN SPITHEAD TOGETHER YOU CAN SHOW ME THE INSTRUCTIONS AND I WILL STAND CORRECTED. UNTIL THEN BE ADVISED THE VICE RAJ REQUIRES THIS DISPATCH

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I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE
ALL THESE YEARS, I HAVE BEEN MAKING UP SIR JONATHAN CAIRO
HE IS NOT REAL

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GODS WORD!

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HIS MANIFOLD ”ORDERS” REFLECT WHAT I DO AND DO NOT FEEL INCLINED TO DO AT ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT
AND NOW I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT IN A WEB OF MY LIES

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I SHALL HAVE TO CONTACT THE FIRST LORD BY PACK-TRAIN IMMEDIATELY YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT KIND OF TRANSMITTING-TYPESETTER ARE YOU?

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IN FACT I FABRICATED HIS ENLISTMENT PAPERS AS AN OFFICER AND HAVE BEEN PILFERING HIS SUPPOSED PAY, RATIONS, AND SLAVES AS MY OWN
PM I SPEND MOST OF THE MONEY ON WHORES AND GAMBLING AND SOMETIMES I EVEN GAMBLE WHORES
I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE IN THIS FASHION

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DO YOU LET THE WHORES GAMBLE?

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OF COURSE NOT, I AM NOT AN IRISHMAN

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AT LEAST YOU SAVE YOURSELF THAT HUMILATION
THE VICE RAJ HAS JUST SEEN THE SPOOLED PRINT OF OUR RELAY AND HAS SPIT UP HIS CURRIED LAMB IN DISGUST

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OH DEAR MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES
I HAD INTENDED FOR OUR CORRESPONDENCE TO REMAIN OF A PRIVATE CHARACTER
UNTIL I HAD TIME AS TO DISCERN YOUR DISPOSITION FOR CONSPIRACY

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THE VICE RAJ ORDERED THE TRANSMITTER BE RELOCATED FROM TELEGRAPH MOUNT TO THE THRONE HALL FOR THE SAKE OF IMPRESSION
HE SEES ALL COMMUNICATION

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IN PAYMENT FOR ELIMINATING THE THREAT OF THE VICE RAJ AND KEEPING MY SECRET, I SHALL TRADE YOU TWENTY-ONE WHORES AND SIX HUNDRED POUNDS

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DESPITE A SIGNIFIGANT DROP IN BAUD RATE
THE VICE RAJ HAS OFFERED ME DOUBLE JUST NOW TO NOT DO IT

HELLO HELLO THIS IS THE VICE RAJ
HOW DO I TRANSMIT?
OH JUST HIT THIS LEVER?
OK
AH YES
THIS IS THE VICE RAJ
WITH WHOM AM I TRANSMITTING?

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UM
THIS IS BOB
YES

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HELLO BOB

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BOB ROBERTSON
THIS IS NOT SIR GERALD FITZHUGHGIBBON
HE IS AWAY RIGHT NOW AND IS NOT THE PERSON SENDING THIS MESSAGE

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GOOD MR. ROBERTSON YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THE SLANDER OF SIR FITZHUGHGIBBON IS A SERIOUS OFFENCE
MY TYPESETTER WAS CONVINCED YOU WERE HIM AND CONDUCTION TREASONOUS ACTS
I WILL BE WILLING TO OVERLOOK THIS FOR 10% OF ALL FUTURE GAMBLING INCOME AND WHORES
ARE WE UNDERSTOOD?
I WILL ALSO WHIP MY TYPESETTER FOR NOT BEING MORE DISCERNING

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…YES YOU CAN HAVE SOME MONEY
I WILL GO NOW

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VERY GOOD SEND TO 1 INDIA ST., INDIA, BRITISH EMPIRE
HERE IS MY TYPESETTER AGAIN
WOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT

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LOL NOPE

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MY LORD YOU ARE STILL ON THE KEYBOARD
WHAT
WHO IS THAT
MY LORD
WHAT
PLEASE PUT DOWN THE TYPESETTINGS
OH SORRY
OK
NOW WHAT THE HELL MAN

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