With former frontrunners Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman all fading in the polls, eyes are now turning to former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, who will have to prove just how criminally insane he really is in order to secure the nomination.
“Republican voters are looking for a leader who is not only dangerously unstable, but also completely inept and unqualified to be in charge of a potluck dinner, let alone an entire country.” Explained political pundit Richard Horstman. “Newt’s articulate public speaking and actual familiarity with foreign policy are going to be a huge hindrance in the coming months, he’ll have to show just how stupid he can really be.”
Early in his campaign, Gingrich was already working to offset some of his previous mishaps– such as his successful bi-partisan agreements with Bill Clinton over welfare reform and balancing the budget in the mid-nineties– by making hyperbolic polarizing statements about the Democrats and incurring a six-figure debt to Tiffany’s jewelers. But according to some analysts, this won’t be nearly enough.
“So far, nothing we’ve seen compares to what other candidates have said or done,” said Hortsman.
However, some of Gingrich’s campaign staff disagree with this assessment, pointing out that as early as 1995, Newt complained about sitting in the back of Air Force One, and was fined $300,000 for ethical wrongdoing in 1997.
Gingrich says he hopes to solidify his lead by answering a simple domestic policy question with a rambling response consisting entirely of the syllable “buh,” then killing and eating an entire live walrus on national television later this week.