On this day in history, 1949, the Challengeburg Titan made her maiden (and only) voyage* approximately one eighth of the way to the moon. The takeoff and initial ascent went remarkably smoothly, which is quite a miracle, really, when we realize that the Titan was a mammoth boat strapped to the side of a skyward-facing dirigible powered by rockets. Moreover, it was the largest such rocket-powered boat-strapped-to-a-dirigible that had ever been built.
Only nineteen minutes into the flight, however, the Titan’s chief engineer reported that instrument readings were showing an unexpected decrease in acceleration. These readings were initially dismissed by the captain as being due to instrument malfunction, until the first mate looked outside and confirmed it. By this point, the chief engineer reported that the engines had shut off and the ship was actually falling, so the captain gave the order to evacuate. Fortunately, the Titan was well supplied with lifeboats, so all of the ship’s 307 crewmembers and 2,417 passengers (consisting mostly of rich moonbound vacationers and the occasional impoverished tragic hero) were able to evacuate safely. The orchestra evacuated last on an experimental glider powered by ragtime and irony.
Initial reports attributed the sudden altitude deficiency to a number of causes. Observers suggested that perhaps they hit a spaceberg, or the envelope might have been struck by space lightning… or perhaps there was even sabotage. However, further study showed that a bird pecked a hole in it, which shouldn’t have been a problem as each compartment was designed to withstand the rupture or sudden catastrophic depressurization without damage to the overall vehicle, but it was a rather large hole.
Despite the tragedy, President Truman stated his intention to move forward with the repurposing-our-airship-fleet-for-space-travel program. Fast forward to today, with the U.S.S. Unbearable Hubris is set to launch early next year, the first space dirigible-boat powered by dissolving black holes into strangelets using endlessly self-replicating nanomachines and then burning them. Early reports yielded troubling proclivities toward engine malfunction and sudden loss of all power, fuel, and bathroom facilities, but an interdisciplinary team of experts from the sciences of space aeronautics have reviewed these materials and declared that, “It’s probably nothing.”
We can only pray that they will not have cause to rue their words.
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*Tragically, she died a virgin.
