The story of the Terror Man began many years ago in a suburb not altogether unlike this one. You were sitting in your room (wait, what are you – ) when all of a sudden the TERROR MAN WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!! Which would have been really scary, you see, only you didn’t notice because you were playing Minecraft. But the Terror Man wasn’t there for Minecraft, he was there for TERROR OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOOOoOOOoOooooo~ ~ ~.
Just then, as terror was about to ensue (!?!??!!??), a small round rodent popped his head out from behind a box of cake mix, which evidently you were very fond of. “Excuse me Mr. Terror Man,” said the rotund rodent reticently, “perhaps you would like some Butterworth & Swanson Short Chocolate Cake Mix with Extra Glucose?”
The Terror Man did not speak, because he never speaks a word, but did tentatively help himself to a handful of cake mix. Approving, he grabbed the box and went downstairs to the kitchen (slamming the door as he went – you couldn’t hear him over the sounds of A-HA, which you were blasting over your oversized headphones). Grabbing a bowl out of the cabinet, he filled it with delicious cake powder. He went over to the fridge, got out the milk, and poured it liberally into the bowl. Then he poured it over his face, because the Terror Man does not get his sustenance from things which can arguably be considered food, but rather, from terror. Nonetheless, this produced a rather pleasant effect and went off on his merry way, humming to himself cheerily.
Having just stepped out for a bathroom break, you came back to your room and were preparing to refuel when you noticed your most excellent box of cake mix was missing. You exchanged glances with the corpulent capybara-relation* (whose name was Hermando) and rolled your eyes in an exacerbated manner. “Terror Man, not again~!”
Butterworth & Swanson Short Chocolate Cake Mix with Extra Glucose: You’re an adult. You can have it for breakfast if you want to.™
*REJECTED RODENT LIST, a Clunkline Special Feature for our Gold-Plus Clunkline Members**: Chinchilla and chipmunk were passed on due to the wrong initial sound. Corpulent kangaroo-rat-relation had a nice ring to it and additional alliteration but in the end we decided that capybaras had the most indie cred.
**Gold plus Clunline equals zero. Solve for Clunkline?