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After years of watching you masturbate, Ceiling Cat is dead. Blood drips from the hole in the sky where that celestial feline once peeped its last Tom (Tom-cat? Get it? Peeping Tom? Peeping Tom-cat? Die in a fire). And who, you the audience might ask, killed him? None other than the President of Iran, who after a recent visit to the calm, quickly-democratizing nation-state of Iraq, had the kitty killed in retaliation for the recent slaying of Cliff Puppy by a US Marine.
American Pop star Hannah Montana is in Afghanistan fighting for the American Army under her real name, Lt Miley Stewart. She was deployed five weeks ago, and her fellow soldiers were sworn to keep their raging fandom/hardons contained in their minds/pants. “As far as I’m concerned,” she said, “I’m just a normal preteen girl, doing my duty for America and God.”
Kosovo has just surpassed Europe as the greatest country in the world. Like American water fountains in the 40s, it is segregated into white people and black people. The white people are called Albanians, which comes from Einstein’s first name, since his hair is the same color as their skin. The black people are called Serbians, because, um, Nikola Tesla made them that way.
In an ironic twist of metaphysical speculation, objects around campus are standing up against their perceived oppressors. Said one desk, “You can’t treat a lamp like a lamp. You gotta treat a lamp like a lady.” English majors across campus are shitting their pants, as they finally have someone to talk to. Their names have become killing words.
HEY! Are you feeling UNCOMFORTABLY PAINED? Like something hit your jaw and it’s KICKED YOUR ASS? Like your toothache hurts worse than being kicked by a GORILLA? Then try Nyquil! You’ll feel SO GOOD. You’ll drink it and you’ll be like “hey this tastes like the color it is. Why didn’t they make it a tastier color?” But COLORS DON’T HAVE TASTE YOU CRAZY LIBERAL! Point: You don’t need to date people if you have enough images of them. You remember Neon Genisis Evengelion? The part where Shinji is holding his gay lover in his big mama-robot’s arms, and then his dad forces him to crush the guy? Dating is a lot like that. You don’t want to do it. You really just want to write a PERL script to pull your paramour’s pics off Facebook, autoscan them into MAYA, and built yourself a cyberhottie, or at least a 4D approximation thereof. Either way, its much better than leaving your screen, curled up atop your DEC Alpha that you set running SETI@Home so it would heat up your parent’s basement, to face the cruel, soul-tiring abandonment and hatred you might find just outside your door. Doctorpoint: You don’t need images if you have enough people. |
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