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I’d been playin’ them all from the start. I took a drag from my cigarette and kicked Tanzmetall in the ribs. Nothing but a bloody death rattle from him. He was a goner for sure, and by lucky chance he had saved me some work. NDP was down, and I made sure he stayed down for good. Last time, you joined us as we took Thong-Man and photoshopped him into something more comfortable. This time, well, is exactly the same as last time, basically.  There is no thong. MoveOn.org is one of those groups that, when you agree with them, you’re embarassed about it. Like many Democratic politicians and organizations, the only truly good thing they’ve ever done was endorse Obama. They’re a little too whiny or militant for my tastes, even though I share a lot of viewpoints, and so when they sent me a free Obama bumper sticker, I had a choice. I could stick it on my car as-was, and convince people that Obama = MoveOn, or I could cut off the MoveOn part of it, and show that I didn’t want to slander him by association.  And so the point of this post is: does anybody want a free, very thin, MoveOn.org bumper sticker? At 9:37 A.M. Beijing time, Michael Phelps committed unspeakable acts while backstroking across The Water Cube’s surface. Immediately after he finished his final event of the day and won his 184th Gold Medal, he ruined the fun for everyone else. He was heard to yell that, “if [he] couldn’t win any more medals, then nobody was going to win any more medals.” Shortly thereafter, he soiled the pool, and his unspeakable substance spread across the surface of the pool even as Olympic security sought to fish him out with scum-nets. Olympic regulations state that the pool must be used as is for the next event. I’m an Ebayer. It’s like an addiction, and I get obsessed with it periodically. On one particular trip through the Tubes, I found this clothing store which proclaimed: “We work tirelessly to bring you the latest in fashion.” Which upon further examination, appears to be like a Dollar Crapticle saying they work tirelessly to bring you items of the highest quality.
To whoever may read this: I am being held against my will. You must help. Perhaps I won’t be able to write again, so this my only chance to tell you what has happened. I managed to reach the computer of a public library with a signed-in user, and I hope to God my post reaches someone who can help. I haven’t much time. WHAT THE FUCK
I don’t believe I saw a sign saying “Assholes Don’t Have to Stop Here, They Can Just Continue Through the Intersection at 45 MPH on a 25 MPH Side Street In Front Of A Car That Has No Yield, Stop, or Traffic Signal.” The giant, six-inch crocheted cross I see swinging from your rearview as I tailgate you doesn’t give me a favorable impression of all you Jesus Freaks out there either. Way to hurt your cause. I guess you were just so blinded by all the JESUS in your face that you couldn’t see the road or even remember that you were driving. When you take your driving test, a mandatory “Are You An Asshole” test should be part of it. And if you fail it YOU DON’T GET TO DRIVE EVER. Fuck you, assholes.
Barnes and Noble sends me promotional emails, because they know that a) I buy all kinds of crap online and b) I love books. So when a buy two get one free offer came up, I decided to check out the books included in the offer. Unfortunately, it was mostly a blinding array of “chick lit” books, which, if you are unfamiliar with the genre, are targeted at women and contain no plot, vapid characters, poor writing, and open brand-name advertising for things like Coach bags and Maybelline makeup. They are also visibly recognizable by some consistent patterns.
This year, it’s Adama vs. Obama. |
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