May. 18, 2012, 11:15 by FooTayCenturies after famed author “God” released his international best seller “The Bible,” the Clunkline Book Review has finally gotten a peak at its long awaited follow up, “The Bible 2: Reloaded.” But despite the author’s claims that it would be “even biblier” than the original, does it really live up to the hype? Well, not completely, but still worth a read.
The new Holy Text definitely starts off strong– I particularly enjoyed the book of Randall, in which the Lord unveils fifteen all new commandments. Granted, it feels like a few of them were added just to bring the total up to a nice even 25. I wonder if, for example, commandment 17 (“Thou shalt listen to more Skynyrd, because the Lord really digs them”) really necessary. Still, the majority of the verses are pretty solid, and I can see it becoming popular in liturgical readings for years to come. The same can be said of the book of Larry, which helps clarify God’s positions on a few political issues. For one thing, we find out why Leviticus wrote those nasty things about gay people (spoiler alert: he was just jealous that they were all better at dancing than he was).
Unfortunately, I kind of felt like the Lord really saved his best ideas for the beginning and ending, with most of the chapters in the middle being rather slow and uneventful. We do get to see the return of quite a few favorite characters from the original, but most of the appearances seem a bit forced and unnecessary. Samson, for example, only shows up for a brief cameo in a few chapters of the book of Explosions to help out in Jesus’ fight against Sub Zero. Meanwhile, John the Baptist spends a good chunk of the time wandering around the desert searching for a bunch of magical macguffins, which don’t even end up being all that important to the story. The worst offender by far, though, is the second book of Numbers, in which Jesus decides to see if he can count to ten thousand. I don’t think I’m really giving anything away by saying that he does.
Still, there are a few gems tucked away in there. The book of Jerry has a fantastic twist ending that God claims even He didn’t see coming. And the book of Awesome, which comes in at the very end, is a great finale to the whole series. I know a lot of fans, including myself, were excited about the prospect of a Jesus/Moses team up, and thankfully the new Bible delivers. Most of the finale is devoted to an epic battle sequence in which they– along with Solomon, Elijah, St. Paul, and a few others– team up to save the earth from a horde of invading dinosaur ninjas. It’s a great way to end the series, and I hope the movie version is able to capture the drama as perfectly as the book does.
All in all, despite a few missteps, I really liked “The Bible 2.” It clears up a lot of the questions raised by the original, and even makes room for a few genuinely funny moments– something that the first Bible was sorely lacking in. Don’t expect a masterpiece, but if you’re looking for a solid addition to your summer reading list, you can certainly do a lot worse.
Mar. 3, 2012, 13:39 by FooTayWhen I’m not looking for love online, I actually do have a real job as a programmer. But not just any programmer– I like to take it to the EXTREME! The fact is, lots of people can write code. Only a select few can take it to the next level: Manly C++. Manly C++ is so epic, it literally makes some compilers explode. As the inventor and sole user of Manly C++, I’m about to share some of my secrets with you, the wimpy pathetic developer. Do you think you have what it takes?
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Feb. 12, 2012, 15:35 by FooTayQuick, name five of the most awesome movies you can think of off the top of your head. If you’re anything like me, then four of your choices will have Jason Statham in them (the fifth is a movie where a small thai man beats up the entire world). But what if those movies are off the table? You’d have to select your five from the world’s number one source of non-Jason-Statham-related awesomeness– the Syfy channel.
But for all the entertainment they’ve provided me over the years, not once have I ever given anything back… until now.
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Jan. 14, 2012, 13:06 by FooTay
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Here at Clunkline, we believe that journalistic integrity is a thing that exists and that people do sometimes. Although we always make an effort to bring you the most accurate information that we can completely make up, sometimes mistakes do slip through, particularly when FooTay has ingested too much NyQuil and/or just isn’t paying attention (which is always). Here, then, are corrections for some of the articles we’ve posted over the past year.
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Dec. 14, 2011, 18:20 by FooTay
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Dec. 2, 2011, 16:50 by FooTay
Dec. 2, 2011, 15:31 by FooTayWith former frontrunners Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman all fading in the polls, eyes are now turning to former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, who will have to prove just how criminally insane he really is in order to secure the nomination.
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Feb. 1, 2010, 17:02 by FooTayYeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em.
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Jan. 9, 2010, 15:24 by FooTay
Jan. 9, 2010, 14:55 by FooTayDay 1:
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So you spend all day listening to other people whine about their problems, but as a psychologist a great way to unwind is to hit the town and try to pick up some ladies or gents or both. It’s also an awesome way to give someone more problems to take to a psychologist! Score! Keepin’ the profession alive!
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Dec. 17, 2009, 13:14 by FooTayUntil recently, it was assumed that Nostradamus’ “Les Propheties” contained the extent of the famed seer’s predictions. However, the following pages were found in a filing cabinet of Nostradamus’ editor, Phil. It appears that Phil was forced to cut several prophecies from the original manuscript due to budget constraints, as the publisher had recently lost quite a bit of money after the disappointing flop that was “The Canterbury Tales 2: Electric Boogaloo.” Now, for the first time, the rest of the world can view some of the profound predictions left out of the original work:
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Dec. 15, 2009, 23:20 by Grabass_Champion, Burpen, Tanzmetall, nom de pomme, Hedge, FooTay, farkle-farkle, hangtthedj, Senator Bongledongle
Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.
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Dec. 14, 2009, 11:20 by FooTay
Excuse me, could I perhaps have a minute of your time? You see, I had a bit of an accident, and now I appear to be– well, I guess you can already see for yourself. Anyway, I was wondering if you could maybe… oh, of course, I see you are on the phone, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I can just wait until you’re finished… oh, it’s going to be a while, is it? In that case, sorry to have bothered you, I will let you carry on.
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