– For the cake recipe posted on October 10th, the third ingredient should be listed as “eggs,” and not “ashes of dead grandparents”

– Our article on pony maintenance on March 27th incorrectly listed Ronald C. James of Westbury NY as the antichrist when, in fact, he is merely an unpleasant person.

– The June 3rd guide to proper lumberjack technique accidentally reversed the instructions “Turn chainsaw off” and “firmly grasp chainsaw blade in hand.”

– We quoted reliable sources to bring you the news that the world will end in 2012. Unfortunately, we were incorrect. Even more reliable sources indicate that it actually already ended, in 1723.

– Our article, “Top Terrorist Targets for This Fall” was wrong when it identified a local bowling alley and a neighboring bean-bag factory as a top terrorist target that was sure not to last the year. However, we didn’t remain wrong for long, since our loyal terrorist readers were looking for something to do anyway.

– In our article on coal-fired power plants, we accidentally said that building new coal plants was not incredibly stupid. This is not true. Building new coal-fired power plants is incredibly stupid.

(Interestingly, however, coal-fired power plant-fired power plants are incredibly efficient and enormous.)

– In a May 2011 article about bitches, we incorrectly identified your mother as a filthy whore. We apologize for our inattention to detail. She is a filthy stinking whore.

“Republican voters are looking for a leader who is not only dangerously unstable, but also completely inept and unqualified to be in charge of a potluck dinner, let alone an entire country.” Explained political pundit Richard Horstman. “Newt’s articulate public speaking and actual familiarity with foreign policy are going to be a huge hindrance in the coming months, he’ll have to show just how stupid he can really be.”

Early in his campaign, Gingrich was already working to offset some of his previous mishaps– such as his successful bi-partisan agreements with Bill Clinton over welfare reform and balancing the budget in the mid-nineties– by making hyperbolic polarizing statements about the Democrats and incurring a six-figure debt to Tiffany’s jewelers. But according to some analysts, this won’t be nearly enough.

“So far, nothing we’ve seen compares to what other candidates have said or done,” said Hortsman.

However, some of Gingrich’s campaign staff disagree with this assessment, pointing out that as early as 1995, Newt complained about sitting in the back of Air Force One, and was fined $300,000 for ethical wrongdoing in 1997.

Gingrich says he hopes to solidify his lead by answering a simple domestic policy question with a rambling response consisting entirely of the syllable “buh,” then killing and eating an entire live walrus on national television later this week.