Clunkline » FooTay

“Action Packed?” Pffffft!

FooTay — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 22:02:36 +0000

Yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em.

“District 9?” Please! Compared to “Die Hard” that movie might as well be “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Bruce Willis sure as hell didn’t need to use any special effects to get rid of a hotel full of angry Germans! Just his fists, a few bullets, and an AWESOME catchphrase.

And I’ve heard what you people are saying about that “Avatar” movie too. “Non-stop action?” Really? Here’s the thing about non-stop action: it’s not supposed to stop. I distinctly remember pauses for dialogue and exposition in that snooze-fest. You think Jackie Chan had time to stop and explain what was happening in “Legend of Drunken Master?” No! He was too busy KICKING people in the FACE.

BOOO-RING!

Really, you think that watching BUILDINGS or CARS explode counts as exciting? That’s about as exciting as watching paint explode! You know what’s exciting? PEOPLE exploding! Now THAT’s action! I tried watching “Surrogates,” and not ONE PERSON explodes in that whole movie! You know what movie has people exploding in it? “Total Recall” does! Because THAT movie doesn’t SUCK!

And finally, what’s with the names you people are giving your movies these days? “Surrogates?” What the hell does THAT tell me about the movie, other than it SUCKS? You know what an action movie title sounds like? “Sudden Death!” Now THAT’S a title! If you don’t know that one, it’s a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie that’s EXACTLY like “Die Hard,” except it takes place in a hockey rink instead of a hotel, which means it’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Honestly, if Jean Claude Van Damme’s character from that movie (I don’t remember his name, but it’s OKAY because in a GOOD action movie their names don’t MATTER!) ever met one of today’s so-called “action” heroes, he could pound any of them into pizzas even with one arm hacked off with a CHAINSAW– because that’s how people DID THINGS in those days!

A Summary of Ben Kingsley’s Film Career, From Wikipedia

FooTay — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:24:24 +0000

FooTay’s Facebook News Feed During The Zombie Apocalypse

FooTay — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 19:55:05 +0000

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Psychologist Pick-up Lines

Grabass_Champion — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:55:39 +0000

So you spend all day listening to other people whine about their problems, but as a psychologist a great way to unwind is to hit the town and try to pick up some ladies or gents or both. It’s also an awesome way to give someone more problems to take to a psychologist! Score! Keepin’ the profession alive!

“Sex is on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Care to help me self-actualize?”

“You remind me of my mother…”

“This isn’t just any cigar.”

“Are you happy to see me, or is that just a defense mechanism?”

“When you fell from heaven, did it leave you with any lasting emotional scars?”

“Baby, do I remember you from my dreams, or is that just a false memory?”

“I’d compare you to my mother, but I don’t want to go down that Freudian slippery slope.”

“I’m a screamer, but don’t worry. The more people hear me scream, the fewer will care.”

Say, baby, when you dream, do you ever dream about waves crashing on a beach?
(Why, yes!)
The waves represent my penis. The beach represents your unconscious yearning for my penis.

“I’ll be a prisoner, you be a guard. Abuse me!”

“”You’re into threesomes? Great, ’cause I’ve got split personality.”

“Are you real, or are you a delusion? Either way, nice tits.”

“Do come lay on my couch… With me.”

“Hey babe, want me to penetrate you exactly 62 times?”

“Who’s your daddy? Do I remind you of him?”

“Why don’t I show you my giant inkblot, and you can tell me what you see?”

The Lost Prophecies of Nostradamus

FooTay — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:14:13 +0000

Until recently, it was assumed that Nostradamus’ “Les Propheties” contained the extent of the famed seer’s predictions. However, the following pages were found in a filing cabinet of Nostradamus’ editor, Phil. It appears that Phil was forced to cut several prophecies from the original manuscript due to budget constraints, as the publisher had recently lost quite a bit of money after the disappointing flop that was “The Canterbury Tales 2: Electric Boogaloo.” Now, for the first time, the rest of the world can view some of the profound predictions left out of the original work: