A.k.a. “NO”

Would you like steamed or fried transgression?

Possessed Fax Generator

We have a system that generates a fax form using bits of information we input. With this one I put in very standard information, and somehow got this out of it.

This may be what’s wrong with the economy

I recently secured a desk job. That’s right, Grabass_Champion of gas station and pizza delivery fame was entrusted with a cubicle, a computer with TWO (count ‘em,) TWO monitors, and the capacity to send faxes to any damn fax machine on this planet. (Sometimes he faxes Iran images of Mohammed just for fun.)

So we don’t all forget each other’s names in this office environment, we all have signs on our cubicles with our names on them. The standard sign for my employment level looks like this:

One day when there was really nothing left to do, I got paid more than I’ve ever made in my life to painstakingly use Paint to turn it into this:

Police Reports of Rural Mass, Week of 7/5/2010

Two days ago, I happened upon a goldmine. The Landmark is a weekly newspaper serving a small area of northern Massachusetts that encompasses Holden, Paxton, Princeton, Rutland and Sterling. You’ve probably never heard of any of those towns, because they’re all quite small. Nothing ever really happens in these towns of interest, but the police report is published weekly in near-perfect detail. Herein are some excerpts from this week’s paper.

Holden
5 July
7:41AM: Stray beagle brought in; slept in neighbor’s garage.
11:00AM: Brown water, Main St.

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Twitter Launches Sister Site, “Shitter”

Twitter’s new side project, Shitter.com, recently went live. The new site was aimed for the “likes to microblog about pooping” demographic of Twitter users.

In a press release last Thursday, Twitter said Shitter “would be lucky” if “even two or three” users sign up over the next year.

Shitter has already secured advertising bids from Fiber One, Ex-Lax, and Pepto-Bismol.

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Things not to show up with while couch surfing

  • Chainsaw (except in Vermont)
  • Children that clearly don’t belong to you
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    Man Dies From Eating “Do Not Eat” Packet

    Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.

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    Hey, everyone! Welcome to my Sub-Saharan Africa theme party!

    No, there’s no food.

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    Scat Porn

    “Special” Kitty Cat Litter

    This was made many moons ago (when we were both in high school).

    Hey! Leave my door penis alone!

    Hey, leave my door penis alone!

    Clunkipedia: Groaty Dick.

    Groaty Dick.



    According to Wikipedia, Groaty Dick “. . .is a traditional dish from the Black Country in England.” 300 This means that it qualifies as “soul food,” which may come as a surprise to some. Groaty dick is made from “. . .groats, beef, leeks, onions, and beef stock [and a bunch of other shit].” π

    Groaty Dick is most commonly found in Tanzmetall’s pants.YEP Generally modern scientists believe that the dick in Tanzmetall’s pants got so groaty from his habit of putting it in toothless hookers. However, a recent study indicates that it may also be the result of having sex with mountains of dromedary feces. EW


    300. Groaty Dick. Wikipedia. Accessed 23/1/10.
    π. Groaty Dick. Wikipedia. Accessed 23/1/10.
    YEP. I looked there. It’s pretty groaty.
    EW. Harris, Krautbaumer, et al. “Making Connections: A study of Tanzmetall’s genitalia and dromedary excreta in sexual contexts.” American Journal of Things More Important than Cancer and Aids. Vol. 4 Issue 13, 24-41.

    If the signs were true...

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    Grabass_Champion's Engrish Adventures

    Because of a backup snafu, the original Grabass_Champion’s Engrish Adventures lost all of its images, which were pretty much the entire joke therein. So now that the images have been rediscovered and some new content found, I’ve decided to be all post-modern and release Part 1 after I’ve released Part II.

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