Holden 5 July 7:41AM: Stray beagle brought in; slept in neighbor’s garage. 11:00AM: Brown water, Main St. 2:16PM: Possible stolen ring, Holly Cir. 4:27PM: Suspicious vehicles parked in authorized zone, Harris St. 5:07PM: Putnam Ln. resident concerned about helicopter overhead; probably news chopper for brush fire. 9:08PM: Suspicious vehicle near Eagle Lake; driver appears to be fishing. 9:09PM: Vehicle appears to be attaching a boat, Eagle Lake.

8 July 11:04AM: Request for assistance with smoke alarms that won’t turn off, no sign of fire or smoke. 11:14AM: Request for lookout for bicycle rider; mother needs to speak with her; found at 11:52AM.

10 July 10:30PM: Party at Marlen Rd. 11:30PM: Group of youths walking, Manning St.

11 July 11:40AM: Motorcycle charity ride coming through town.

Paxton 7 July 8:10PM: Request for police to check on person talking with kids in front of building, West St.

Princeton 6 July 1:30PM: Calf stuck under barn, Grow Ln.

Rutland 5 July 11:00AM: Lost cell phone. 9:27PM: Loud neighbors, Carly Cir.

7 July 12:40PM: Lost wallet.

8 July 10:36PM: Suspicious auto reported near Glenwood School. Parties are stargazing on top of their vehicle.

10 July 8:15AM: Report of duck with injured leg, Fisherman’s Rd.

Sterling 6 July 6:35PM: Older German shepherd standing in travel lane, Leominster Rd. 8:00PM: Skunk walking in yard, Justice Hill Rd.

7 July 6:43AM: Caller reports person running backhoe before 7AM, Greenland Rd.

9 July 10:36AM: Caller thinks squirrel is living in ceiling, Beaman Rd.

10 July 9:22AM: Several domestic chickens in road, John Dee Rd., West Boylston ACO looking for them.

11 July 7:29AM: Loose cow, Princeton/Jewett Rds.

Twitter’s new side project, Shitter.com, recently went live. The new site was aimed for the “likes to microblog about pooping” demographic of Twitter users.

In a press release last Thursday, Twitter said Shitter “would be lucky” if “even two or three” users sign up over the next year.

Shitter has already secured advertising bids from Fiber One, Ex-Lax, and Pepto-Bismol.

Update: We found some Shitter profiles that participated in beta testing last year. Evidently the beta testers favored the Bristol Stool Scale as a means of conveying insight into their respective defecation experiences while staying below the 140-character limit. Here are some screenshots.

Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.

“Gasoline, lead, rat poison. He took it all in stride,” recalled Ted Wurg, a close friend of the unfortunate Mr. Warbler. “As kids we used to eat that kind of stuff all the time.”

A glimmer appeared in Ted’s eyes as he shared stories of their childhood. “For pocket change we would offer our consumption services to neighbors. I can’t tell you how many ants, cockroaches, and bastard kids we put away together.”

Asked to recount the circumstances of Blaine’s death, Wurg’s face turned woeful and somber. “I told him, damnit. I told him that stuff was trouble. But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Ted went on to tell us how he found his lifelong friend dead in the bathroom of his house last Thursday. “Yep, he died a-poopin’. Pooped so hard he cracked the bowl. Ain’t nothin’ ever gave Blaine problems like that before. Not even Etan Patz.”

Police detectives discovered an empty beef jerky bag on the floor in the living room of the Warbler residence. An autopsy confirmed that severe diarrhea, triggered by eating a “Do Not Eat” packet, was the cause of death.

But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!