This part of Superman Returns was just asking for a remix.

No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.

(I had about four more sentences here but couldn’t remember what I wrote before my computer froze. For some reason, the damn thing is full of viruses.) Kindergartenfinder.com This one makes a lot of sense to me. These guys are mostly aged 40 and older, a lot of them probably have kids and need to know where to drop them off for soccer practice. Thailand tourism Thailand is beautiful at this time of year. But be careful: sometimes what you think is Thailand, is just Vietnam in drag. Lawyers Ah, another thing no American should be without! Whenever I bust out my semi-annual lawsuit, I need one of these. Apparently people who use the sex offender registry also need them. Perfectly reasonable. Seminary school This one is the only one that doesn’t make sense. Why would Catholics be looking at this site? The Catholic clergy has nothing in common with sex offenders!

Maybe it’s some Irish guy with too many kids, looking for a nice new adoptive parent to take some of them. (I did notice that many of the gentlemen in the database just loooove children.) ]]> This past weekend, I attempted to get back in touch with a high school classmate of mine. I noticed that next to his mugshot on the sex offender database, there were no ads. Nothing, anywhere on the page. I was more outraged by this omission than by the crime he “allegedly” committed.

No marketing opportunity should go to waste! So, I hired a polling firm and did the field work to determine what ads would see a lot of traffic there. Here are my recommendations about what to advertise to readers of sex offender databases.

White vans The always-in-style shaggin’ wagon is inexplicably popular with this demographic. The white paint job symbolizes innocence; the tinted windows, its loss.

Candy Not sure why they like candy so much. Seems like more of a kid-thing. But, the research has spoken–they really want candy for some reason.
Sunglasses I guess these cool cats just gotta look hip!
Free credit reports Really, who doesn’t want a free credit report? I can’t count the number of times I’ve compulsively clicked on one of these ads! (I had about four more sentences here but couldn’t remember what I wrote before my computer froze. For some reason, the damn thing is full of viruses.)
Kindergartenfinder.com This one makes a lot of sense to me. These guys are mostly aged 40 and older, a lot of them probably have kids and need to know where to drop them off for soccer practice.
Thailand tourism Thailand is beautiful at this time of year. But be careful: sometimes what you think is Thailand, is just Vietnam in drag.
Lawyers Ah, another thing no American should be without! Whenever I bust out my semi-annual lawsuit, I need one of these. Apparently people who use the sex offender registry also need them. Perfectly reasonable.
Seminary school This one is the only one that doesn’t make sense. Why would Catholics be looking at this site? The Catholic clergy has nothing in common with sex offenders! Maybe it’s some Irish guy with too many kids, looking for a nice new adoptive parent to take some of them. (I did notice that many of the gentlemen in the database just loooove children.)

Carrots are good for your vision… unless a few are stabbed in your eyes.

Vick’s Vapor Rub clears your air passages… unless it’s in your air passages.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… unless the doctor conspires to poison your apples in a plot to make you dependent on his services so that he can milk your checkbook, in which case you’re likely to see the bastard for a good while.

It’s best to put your money where your mouth is… That way, when you accidentally choke on it, I can inherit your fortune.

Ignorance is bliss… Ignorance is also the reason people wander into traffic or take showers during electrical storms.

A little bit of sun never hurt anyone… yet.

The rhino virus is nothing more than the common cold… unless someone actually bothers to infect you with a stampede of rhinos. Then it becomes a lot more than the common cold.

Knowing is half the battle… unless what you know is that your gruesome defeat is inevitable. Then it’s just disheartening.

A healthy lifestyle includes eating three square meals a day… until the corners rupture the lining of your stomach.

Reach for the stars… if your dream is to vaporize instantly.

It’s good to stop and smell the roses… unless the roses belong to old Mrs. Winkler, and she unchains her rottweiler.

You have the right to bear arms… but the bear will likely maul you to death before you manage to remove them.

If at first you don’t succeed… then the only way to keep a perfect track record is to continue failing.

The night is always darkest before the dawn… Never tell that to a miner stranded in a cave in.

This land is my land. This land is your land… Time for a land war.

Milk helps build strong bones… but you can’t depend on it to make strong skyscrapers, I’ve learned.

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn… but if there are women in Hell, then, yes, it does.

Giving is better than receiving… especially if it’s a sickness.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You often find it snuffed out and stale in a plastic bag, forgotten by the previous homeowner in the back of a closet.

4 out of 5 experts agree that volcanoes are lethal. The fifth expert was killed in a pyroclastic flow.

“It’s pourin’ outside like snot from a dog’s nose.”

“You’re about as useful as a fishnet condom.”

“It was a mixed blessing, like being touched by Jesus in naughty places.”

“Kids these days dance like a bunch of squirrels in a tornado.”

“Speaking French is like a lady gettin’ wet in a morgue.”

“My new car’s faster than a midget strapped to a missile.”