IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK LOCK

The runner-up captions were:

Brute Force Solutions: Just because it can be done that way doesn’t mean it should be.

and

The lock only works once.

The bartender says, “don’t tell me what ya want, boys, I have a knack for guessin’, but ya gotta let me look around ya mouth to see what ya like.”

Newton, being a man of science, volunteers to go first. He opens wide as the barkeep looks inside, his face barely an inch from his lips.

“Aha!” he exclaims, “You’re an apple-tini man!” Newton is taken aback by the accurate prediction and happily takes the drink the barkeep prepares him.

Next, the archbishop steps up, being a man of faith. The bartender gets even closer, with his eyelashes clearly within the archbishop’s mouth. “Aha!” he exclaims, “Yer a bloody Mary man!” The visibly impressed bishop happily begins to sip his prepared drink.

Finally, the bartender goes up to the lawnmower. He sticks his face right into the machine’s maw before getting it ripped off in a bloody mess of clippings and crimson

‘cause it’s a fucking lawnmower

Go here if you are wondering why this exists.

lime margar iiTa: HAHAHA lime margar iiTa: who is this? MesmericKiwi: my name is ***** MesmericKiwi: and who do I have the pleasure of conversing with?

lime margar iiTa: who talks like that?! XxGrEenLoVexX: i dont know but whoever it is i hate already lime margar iiTa: haha XxGrEenLoVexX: unless this person likes u and they kno u then they r sooo effin weird times 64736287364283927482 lime margar iiTa: haha lime margar iiTa: i have no idea who they are XxGrEenLoVexX: i kno

MesmericKiwi: a simple name would do MesmericKiwi: well, Jess, is there a reason you contacted me?

lime margar iiTa: OMG HE KNOWS WHO I AM XxGrEenLoVexX: OMG XxGrEenLoVexX: YUCK lime margar iiTa: OMGGGGGG IM SCARED XxGrEenLoVexX: ME 2 XxGrEenLoVexX: it mite be elliott playin arounf? XxGrEenLoVexX: around* lime margar iiTa: haha lime margar iiTa: im talking to him ono tyhe phone XxGrEenLoVexX: ohh

XxGrEenLoVexX: XxGrEenLoVexX: hi who is this? MesmericKiwi: this is ***** MesmericKiwi: who the devil is this? XxGrEenLoVexX: this is ellie XxGrEenLoVexX: how do u kno jess? MesmericKiwi: she’s a friend of my sister MesmericKiwi: why are y’all contacting me?

XxGrEenLoVexX: i knooo XxGrEenLoVexX: i blocked him lime margar iiTa: ELLIEE

MesmericKiwi: well, let’s not totally waste this IM MesmericKiwi: how are you doing? MesmericKiwi: been up to anything interesting?

lime margar iiTa: hahahaha XxGrEenLoVexX: OMG XxGrEenLoVexX: who in the world taalks like that? lime margar iiTa: I KNOW XxGrEenLoVexX: lets not waste this im XxGrEenLoVexX: lalal XxGrEenLoVexX: be like i dont even effin kno u go to heel XxGrEenLoVexX: hell* lime margar iiTa: i think he’s like communist or something lime margar iiTa: maybe she’s from china!

MesmericKiwi: fine then, be a total waste of my precious time

XxGrEenLoVexX: omg lime margar iiTa: HAHA no offence to whoever’s brother that is..he’s just weird xx8932389058920758320!

lime margar iiTa: lime margar iiTa: hello MesmericKiwi: are we talking now? lime margar iiTa: yes we are. MesmericKiwi: allrighty then MesmericKiwi: what’s new with you, Jess? lime margar iiTa: nothing much lime margar iiTa: you? MesmericKiwi: about the same MesmericKiwi: I was working on a calculator based rpg earlier MesmericKiwi: played a new video game of mine, and was studying for my permit MesmericKiwi: not a hugely exciting day, but an occupied one none the less lime margar iiTa: thats nice. MesmericKiwi: well, what did your exciting and dynamic day entail so far, then? lime margar iiTa: what? lime margar iiTa: i dont speak chinese? MesmericKiwi: what does that have to do with anything? lime margar iiTa: STOP MOTHER FUCKING SPEAKING CHINESE MesmericKiwi: my word, what language MesmericKiwi: and I thought this was going to be a civil conversation MesmericKiwi: clearly, I was mistaken MesmericKiwi: first time for everything, eh? lime margar iiTa: EH!! MesmericKiwi: yes, eh MesmericKiwi: quite a common term MesmericKiwi: frequently used by certain Canadians, particually in Newfoundland MesmericKiwi: generally used to convert a declarative statement into an interogative one for the purposes of furthering conversation lime margar iiTa: STOP WITH THE FUCKING CHINESE ALREADY?!@ MesmericKiwi: am I speaking Chinease? MesmericKiwi: I was under the impression I was conversing in English lime margar iiTa: UM NOT REALLY MesmericKiwi: an american dialect of sorts, while utilizing a large vocabulary MesmericKiwi: complex, yes, but English none the less MesmericKiwi: oh I wish I could speak Chinease MesmericKiwi: increase the number of people I can chat with by 1 billion, always a good thing lime margar iiTa: SPANATIA

HAHA fun stuff ellie wellie. I LOVE YOU. thats all. love ya’ll! <3333 <3 EGK

JESS xoxoxo.

Normally I’d change names to protect the innocent, but these bitches are just as annoying as hell.

Remember kids, everyone can see the internet. As far as Jess knows I’m fapping to her under age picture on the xanga account this was posted to.

And she would be right.