I am writing you to complain about your Enzyte product. Numerous times on your television ad, you claimed that the product would make me bigger and enhance my maleness. Having completed your free thirty day trial, I have not noticed any significant growth. While my partner insists that I look bigger, I maintain that is simply because I have not been trimming my hair this past month. I insist you stop selling your misleading product immediately before I report you for false advertising.
Also, even though after a month of using your product I have not seen an inch added to my 5’9” height, I have noticed that my cock is three inches longer. I suggest you warn about this side effect on your television advertisements.
This was performed by Scotch ‘n’ Soda Theatre. It won me and Chicken Chow Fun a nice shiny “Best Original Play” award, but I think it was in large part thanks to the performances of the cast (which included two other Clunkliners) and work of the director. Underground Man got nominated for Best Male Lead for his role, which is pretty hard to do since this festival always takes place after the nomination period is basically over.
Technically, it also won “Best Post-show Music” but I don’t think that counts since they made the award up just to give it to us.
Hold the Elevator was written, rehearsed, and performed in the space of 24 hours.
I tagged it as a film because we don’t have a category for plays.
I just wanted to write to say how much of a fan I am of your work! Even here in Munich, whenever a poor paper-hanger like myself can scrap a few hundred thousand marks together, I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon than to watch you “tramp” about! A good joke, yes? I think I have a future as a writer, but am focusing on painting at the moment. I feel I just need a decisive look to define myself, and so I was writing to ask if I could use your trademark mustache to help with my own image?
The young man gazed with wonder at his mistress. The light of countless stars was just enough for his eyes to take in her familiar outline. Here, in a small ditch in the middle of a field on a moonless night, they could truly be alone. Away from the judgmental eyes of the society that had forbidden their love, they could indulge in their secret passion.
I did not have friends growing up. I was too quiet, too reserved, too terrified of being hurt by other people. My parents never beat me, in contrast, the house was overly safe, and I think that’s what the problem was. My mother had constructed a sanctuary for me to keep out the evils of the world, but by the time I would have entered school, it was a psychological prison. Years passed by in solitude as I remained stagnant. Time has no meaning to those who remain unchanged.
Microsoft Word Development Team
Press Release – 5 August 2009
Microsoft Word, the planet’s most popular word processing software, has undergone a steady rate of improvements with each of its subsequent versions. Today, however, we are pleased to announce the upcoming release of Microsoft Word X, a piece of software with so many new features, it represents more than just the next generation in office document preparation; it is a paradigm shift in how we create text.
You probably want this update only as much as I wanted this spam. But I thought this first piece explained a lot.
To: farkle-farkle’s_email@noneofyourbusiness.com
From: dirtybunny@cox.net
Date: Thu, Jul 23, 2009 at 10:20 PM
Subject: You’ll easily make girls addictive to your hot rod.
The fabled woods of Nor are usually filled with the chirping of birds this time of year. Yet in the clearing near the Tree of Infinite Truths, no creature dare stir. Sitting upon the roots of the aged elm sits the Tree Guardian, a powerful dimension traveler, the wrinkles of his years resembling the sacred bark he rests his back against. Nature itself respects the elder’s meditation.
So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit.
From the Desk of the First Church of Lego (Reformed)
Good morning, my fellow minifigures.
I have received many troubling confessions as of late. It seems many members of our community are harboring dangerous thoughts as to the nature of the Creator. Questions are being asked that can only lead to treason against the almighty Builder and His books of divine instruction. I have taken it upon myself to dispel these concerns once and for all so that all of us fellow bricks can once more unite in the name of Lego.
The evils of the metric system have, for too long, infected our currency system. How can a nation built upon archaic and arbitrary measuring systems allow its financial system to be neatly divided by factors of ten? Our rich history has dozens of arbitrary units we could use instead, but we’ve never had a way to bridge the complex English system of measurement with our base-10 currency system.
The siege of Greenland continues into its third turn as Blue forces continue their relentless push to unify the western world. Only three Yellow defenders now hold the American choke point, but the partisans have held their ground in a move top Blue officials are calling “soooooo lucky,” and “total bullshit.” Despite the gloomy predictions of both Yellow and Blue commanders, the Greenland Defenders have been victorious against twenty attacking Blues, including 7 ties that went to the defenders. Tan has offered military advice, saying Blue shouldn’t roll all three of his dice in light of the bad luck streak, but all military aid has been refused. Blue has vowed to continue its push against Greenland, but experts feel the European superpower has left itself open to attack.
I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy.
Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever!
We open on the control room as Leonid walks in
FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen?
LEO: Yeah, it took me a while to find a replacement for the breaker since they’re now colorless instead of bright red and they jam a little. I had trouble getting the new clear fuse in. (cue laugh track)
