As acting grand poobah of Clunkline I hereby call that the last clunk has been clunked. Thank you readers for your support and writers for your content. Thanks for the laughter and thanks for the memories.
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Recently Clunkline reporter nom de pomme sat down with Tanzmetall who has established an institution of higher education at his new bunker-house in Los Angeles, CA. Nom de pomme: So tell me about your new project. Tanzmetal: Well I have set up my guest room as a University. Degree mill & everything. NDP: Would I be able to pay an unreasonable fee to attend your institution of higher learning? T: It would be so incredibly unreasonable. CHINA Cheeseburgers have invaded, ruthlessly killing all butts in the area. Not a single butt is left alive as of press time. People are starting to wonder how they will go poo now that they have eaten all the cheeseburgers, which were apparently just as delicious as non-murderous sandwiches. Also, a number of cows have been set free in the streets of Beijing, perhaps a hundred thousand head or more. They also lack butts and might explode if they keep eating grass. Exterior, coastal fortress in Bolivia, twilight. Guards dressed in plain clothes patrol along the high walkways and exterior walls of the old Spanish fort. Inside, there are tarps covering cargo platforms, jeeps with machine guns moving about, and a few well-dressed men discussing something on the balcony of a luxurious manor home. Some of the soldiers are opening boxes marked EXPLOSIVE AMMUNITION and distributing the contents. Ever get tired of regular food? Try shitsnackers! A delicious, creamy blend of ingredients! Our patented process is unknown to the general public! Endorsed by International Assgrabbers Anonymous who remind you that your hat looks funny. Here at Clunkline, we believe that journalistic integrity is a thing that exists and that people do sometimes. Although we always make an effort to bring you the most accurate information that we can completely make up, sometimes mistakes do slip through, particularly when FooTay has ingested too much NyQuil and/or just isn’t paying attention (which is always). Here, then, are corrections for some of the articles we’ve posted over the past year. I am Russdocus, chronicler of the expedition to explore the extents of the realm of Oleg. Thence in a year of which is unrecorded as we lost our only calendar to a Turk most clever, there set upon the snow-trail our party of ten to map the great wildernesses and with the secret goal of obtaining a wolly-mammoth for the grand prince. We consider it a success that our server is still spinning after the global muffin wars. It is to be left to the new chroniclers as to whether our work will perpetuate through the post-muffin ages. For many of us, visions of old new york being consumed by billions of tons of expanding banana nut dough will be hard to forget, and we are cursed with the destruction of photography as a means of documentation for future generations. We will have to rely on verbal sagas and crude charcoal drawings on tanned raccoon hide. Luckily, the increased yeast levels in the water table makes the raccoons multiply pretty quickly. In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet. We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through! - Thirty days hath September, April, June, and remember: all the others eat peanut butter, except my grandma she rides a bicycle. - We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And also spiders. - Take the road less traveled, especially if you are on the run from the law wanted for your cousin’s brutal beheading after a dice game gone bad. - Guests, like fish, outlive their usefulness after three days and should be liquidated into delicious fish-shakes. - There are no atheists in foxholes, only foxes, and more rarely, sheep. - Early to bed and early to rise pleases one’s female companions. - We shall fight them on the beaches, but if they get past there we will offer arm wrestling instead or possibly croquet if the weather is nice. FLASH In what is being hailed as a modern medical miracle, doctors and researchers at the Mayo clinic have reported that an NSF funded project has produced the first sentient, talking ass of a woman in human history. “This is truly a marvel to behold” said Dr. Rodson, chief architect of the ‘Talkin Ass’ as it has been affectionately dubbed. “It marks a huge milestone in talking ass technology” In the chambers of the female test subject Janet Halbruth, who wished to remain anonymous, the ass was heard speaking to the researchers about the weather and other smalltalk. Researchers were unable to provide any sort of intellectual merit argument or broader impacts discussion when prompted. Anytime I’m having a party, you got to have junkfood. And what better to wash that down than a delicious orange Fanta? I buy Fanta for the following reasons. 1) it is close to the express Whenever you need a quick, low quality drink in the future, head for Fanta! |
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