March 25
These are the chronicles of the Monk Galangius, master scribe of the Hagia Sophia. In these volumes I will recount the times of struggle against the eastern horde threatening our shores and livestock. In these days, we have constructed a great chain which will stretch across the harbor to prevent the entrance of an enemy sea force. For a thousand years the walls of this city have prevented the entrance of any attacker, and the reserves of the forces are strong and willing. The sultans have no chance!
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Last night at Fire Hall 118, members of the comedy club at Lonely Fields Retirement Home were entertaining attendees of the much anticipated DefSeniorComedyJam. Things turned ugly however when Hugo Domingez, halfway through a set about how he didn’t see well anymore, lost control of his bowels. The incident then started a horrific chain reaction in the audience. Four were hospitalized and one died. Date Subject POLE OF INACCESSIBILITY, ANTARCTICA – Member nations of the Antarctic Treaty were shocked to learn that millions of square miles of useless, uninhabitable frozen wasteland was forcefully taken away from them today when Cogwell Rutland of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA planted the flag of that city squarely on top of the decades old statue of Lenin that has for so long marked the point furthest from the southern sea in the Antarctic landmass. Instantly, the city of Pittsburgh’s land area increased 9,262,400%. “I just thought, three rivers n’at are cool but hey we could really use dis place” said Cogwell when reached for comment. “I came down ‘ere to look at em pengins o’er dere and I had dis flag n’all so what the heck y’know. Stole me a snowplow and came out ‘ere and planed it. And my muther said I’d never git outta Polish Hill!” Cogwell also installed himself as Emperor of the Southern Sea. Of course, a multinational coalition of signatory nations will be formed to destroy and overthrow Pittsburgh’s government and return the Antarctic to the purpose of peaceful scientific research. The pole of inaccessibility will also be carpet bombed. Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC. Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants. Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management. Enter Henry, awaking Henry: yawn…I wonder what day is today? Henry looks at his all saints wacky wonderful off the wall calendar, sitting on the edge of his night-stand. Henry: oh, today is Saint Crispin’s day. Henry leaves the tent to a bloody and horrible battle going on outside. FIN Fuck! A fucker has fucking fucked some fuckers up. Reports indicate that motherfucker Fucky McFuckington fucked a fucker right in his fucking fuck face. The fucker was later identified as Fuckhar Al-Fuzickeed from Fuckistan. Fuckers fucking around later fucked. Fuck at 11. cLUNKLINE: PLEASING TO WELCOM TRAMADOL AMBASADOR HELLO TRAMADOL tRAMADOL: HELLO c: PLEASON TELL ABAOUT TRAMALAMADINGDONG t; OK TRAMADOL VERY GOOD DRUG FOR USE IN HUMAN/RHINOCEROS BUT LESS EXPENSIVE THAN NAME BRAND qUESTION: ARE CONTENT PILLS THE SAME? Yargh its banana man, the best whose ever lived, here in your living room with that guy who invented the alternating current….Voltaire! He’s here telling me that anyone inscribed on a farragut pole is immediately immobilized for immolation. That’s bullshit! Everyone knows your yellow yuppies yearning to yap really relish ridiculous and alternating alliteration. INSERT QUIP HERE. That’s what she said?! Try tricking tardigrade. -Norm D. Apple |
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