I’m trying but its kind of hard with you poking me in the back of the head with that stick.

What are you trying to say, my methods are detrimental to team morale and the performance of the boiler? Yes and I don’t know but probably also yes. This boiler is keeping us all alive.

We all know that.

Well I think you don’t because it is seriously the only working engine in this part of the country right now. Everyone else is walking.

Well, I saw someone with a donkey a ways back.

Yeah but then you shot the donkey!

Well it was my last bullet anyway.

How does that make it better?

Listen you I’m the ranking crew member of this boilorry and what I say goes.

Well that’s fine you can just take it up with those fellas on bicycles chasing us. The boiler pressure is down to 2 bar.

Crank the manual pressure pump!

Listen, we’ve been over this before. Your so-called manual pressure pump is just a piece of timing chain connected to an air compressor that we turn with our hands and a pulley. But if we just attached that same assembly to the transmission we could gain mechanical advantage over pushing this damn thing and not lose our energy due to the second law of thermodynamics!

Nope, crank the pump.

We’ll we’re surrounded anyway.

Whatever I hate you.

Endorsed by International Assgrabbers Anonymous who remind you that your hat looks funny.

– For the cake recipe posted on October 10th, the third ingredient should be listed as “eggs,” and not “ashes of dead grandparents”

– Our article on pony maintenance on March 27th incorrectly listed Ronald C. James of Westbury NY as the antichrist when, in fact, he is merely an unpleasant person.

– The June 3rd guide to proper lumberjack technique accidentally reversed the instructions “Turn chainsaw off” and “firmly grasp chainsaw blade in hand.”

– We quoted reliable sources to bring you the news that the world will end in 2012. Unfortunately, we were incorrect. Even more reliable sources indicate that it actually already ended, in 1723.

– Our article, “Top Terrorist Targets for This Fall” was wrong when it identified a local bowling alley and a neighboring bean-bag factory as a top terrorist target that was sure not to last the year. However, we didn’t remain wrong for long, since our loyal terrorist readers were looking for something to do anyway.

– In our article on coal-fired power plants, we accidentally said that building new coal plants was not incredibly stupid. This is not true. Building new coal-fired power plants is incredibly stupid.

(Interestingly, however, coal-fired power plant-fired power plants are incredibly efficient and enormous.)

– In a May 2011 article about bitches, we incorrectly identified your mother as a filthy whore. We apologize for our inattention to detail. She is a filthy stinking whore.

Thence in a year of which is unrecorded as we lost our only calendar to a Turk most clever, there set upon the snow-trail our party of ten to map the great wildernesses and with the secret goal of obtaining a wolly-mammoth for the grand prince. Though we were few we also had a herd of reindeer for protection, transportation, food, and entertainment. Many nights were passed with the viewing of a rutting or antler-fight.

Within a week we had mounted three of the snow-wolves that had been following us on pikes to deter the rest of their numbers from snatching up our provisions. One of them had surprised our captain during his time behind the waste-bush, and he had to snuff the vile beast with his britches undone in the deep snow. Where he retrieved his dirk from, no one dared ask.

We came then upon a cliff from whence a vistage of all Christiandom was obtained, and we made a very detailed map, but then lost it again to the same clever Turk who just happened to be walking the other direction on the wagon-way.

Continuing upon our snow path, the group did battle with a very determined bob-cat, and we suffered the loss of two warhorses and our baker, who, now that he is dead, I might say was a very bad baker indeed. Often he would complain about not being the baker at all, but rather the quartermaster, and we would have none of it. His negative attitude, I suspect, is also the cause of our sundry supplies being in such disorder on a constant basis.

Our other charts and maps were almost used as tinder for a fire we didn’t even need before we walked aimlessly into the mountains. Someone must have said a magic word at that point because before we knew it there was a dragon chasing us through a mountain pass. Luckily it was pretty stupid and we were able to strangle it to death. We also ate our food by this point so we loaded up on dragon meat and but then someone caused an avalanche so we snowboarded back to Moscow and that’s why we didn’t find any gold, sorry.

In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet.

We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through!