Clunkline » nom de pomme http://clunkline.com Not Even the Winner of the 2008 3rd Runner-Up for the Webbies' "Gold Sticker for Effort!" Award Fri, 23 Jul 2010 04:50:47 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc XTREME NEWZ: Motherfucker fucks fucking fuckers http://clunkline.com/2010/06/xtreme-newz-motherfucker-fucks-fucking-fuckers/ http://clunkline.com/2010/06/xtreme-newz-motherfucker-fucks-fucking-fuckers/#comments Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:34:46 +0000 nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/?p=4847 Fuck! A fucker has fucking fucked some fuckers up. Reports indicate that motherfucker Fucky McFuckington fucked a fucker right in his fucking fuck face. The fucker was later identified as Fuckhar Al-Fuzickeed from Fuckistan. Fuckers fucking around later fucked. Fuck at 11.

]]> Fuck! A fucker has fucking fucked some fuckers up. Reports indicate that motherfucker Fucky McFuckington fucked a fucker right in his fucking fuck face. The fucker was later identified as Fuckhar Al-Fuzickeed from Fuckistan. Fuckers fucking around later fucked. Fuck at 11.

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/06/xtreme-newz-motherfucker-fucks-fucking-fuckers/feed/ 0 YOU BUY: TRAMALDOL http://clunkline.com/2010/05/you-buy-tramaldol/ http://clunkline.com/2010/05/you-buy-tramaldol/#comments Mon, 03 May 2010 16:57:30 +0000 nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/?p=4713 cLUNKLINE: PLEASING TO WELCOM TRAMADOL AMBASADOR HELLO TRAMADOL

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]]> cLUNKLINE: PLEASING TO WELCOM TRAMADOL AMBASADOR HELLO TRAMADOL

tRAMADOL: HELLO

c: PLEASON TELL ABAOUT TRAMALAMADINGDONG

t; OK TRAMADOL VERY GOOD DRUG FOR USE IN HUMAN/RHINOCEROS BUT LESS EXPENSIVE THAN NAME BRAND

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]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/05/you-buy-tramaldol/feed/ 1 Sing the Song of Banana Man, the Best Who’se Ever Lived – Slam Poetry by Norm D. Apple http://clunkline.com/2010/04/sing-the-song-of-banana-man-the-best-whose-ever-lived-slam-poetry-by-norm-d-apple/ http://clunkline.com/2010/04/sing-the-song-of-banana-man-the-best-whose-ever-lived-slam-poetry-by-norm-d-apple/#comments Mon, 26 Apr 2010 19:09:30 +0000 nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/?p=4675 Yargh its banana man, the best whose ever lived, here in your living room with that guy who invented the alternating current….Voltaire! He’s here telling me that anyone inscribed on a farragut pole is immediately immobilized for immolation. That’s bullshit! Everyone knows your yellow yuppies yearning to yap really relish ridiculous and alternating alliteration. INSERT QUIP HERE. That’s what she said?! Try tricking tardigrade.

-Norm D. Apple

]]> Yargh its banana man, the best whose ever lived, here in your living room with that guy who invented the alternating current….Voltaire! He’s here telling me that anyone inscribed on a farragut pole is immediately immobilized for immolation. That’s bullshit! Everyone knows your yellow yuppies yearning to yap really relish ridiculous and alternating alliteration. INSERT QUIP HERE. That’s what she said?! Try tricking tardigrade.

-Norm D. Apple

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/04/sing-the-song-of-banana-man-the-best-whose-ever-lived-slam-poetry-by-norm-d-apple/feed/ 0 Why yes I am indeed drunk: An interview with nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/2010/04/why-yes-i-am-indeed-drunk-an-interview-with-nom-de-pomme/ http://clunkline.com/2010/04/why-yes-i-am-indeed-drunk-an-interview-with-nom-de-pomme/#comments Sat, 24 Apr 2010 07:16:06 +0000 nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/?p=4673 Clunkline: Thank you nom de pomme for taking the time to speak with us. Nom de Pomme: no problem. C: So tell us about your latest project. Is it true that you are drunk? N: Yes indeed. C: That’s fascinating, could you tell us more? N: Well, without giving too much away, its basically that I have been drinking lots and lots of alcohol after a long hard day. Thats when I get drunk. Some people may need reassurance that this is the case, hence the title. C: Wow, so you really drank for this? N: Yes, I consider myself a true method actor, and so I had to do my own stunts. C: Surely the audience will love your realism. Have you heard anything from test screenings? N: Yep. You know, handing out shots before the showing really gets the audience able to relate to the story. Its like I’m drunk, but they are too. C: Amazing. Have you interacted with these test audiences? N: You know, I have. I personally recruit them from local parties and so forth as prime test audience members. Talking to them for only even a few seconds turns them into diehard fans. C: This must remind you of Clunkfest 09, held in San Diego. N: It really does. I was talking to tanzmetall the other day and he was saying what a smashing success that was. I can’t wait til later this year. C: Well, that’s terrific. Thanks for taking your time to talk with us, and we eagerly await the premier later next month. N: Thanks.

Yes, Indeed I am drunk will premier later next month, released by Clunkpictures North America LLC, starring Nom de Pomme.

]]> Clunkline: Thank you nom de pomme for taking the time to speak with us.
Nom de Pomme: no problem.
C: So tell us about your latest project. Is it true that you are drunk?
N: Yes indeed.

C: That’s fascinating, could you tell us more?
N: Well, without giving too much away, its basically that I have been drinking lots and lots of alcohol after a long hard day. Thats when I get drunk. Some people may need reassurance that this is the case, hence the title.
C: Wow, so you really drank for this?
N: Yes, I consider myself a true method actor, and so I had to do my own stunts.
C: Surely the audience will love your realism. Have you heard anything from test screenings?
N: Yep. You know, handing out shots before the showing really gets the audience able to relate to the story. Its like I’m drunk, but they are too.
C: Amazing. Have you interacted with these test audiences?
N: You know, I have. I personally recruit them from local parties and so forth as prime test audience members. Talking to them for only even a few seconds turns them into diehard fans.
C: This must remind you of Clunkfest 09, held in San Diego.
N: It really does. I was talking to tanzmetall the other day and he was saying what a smashing success that was. I can’t wait til later this year.
C: Well, that’s terrific. Thanks for taking your time to talk with us, and we eagerly await the premier later next month.
N: Thanks.

Yes, Indeed I am drunk will premier later next month, released by Clunkpictures North America LLC, starring Nom de Pomme.

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/04/why-yes-i-am-indeed-drunk-an-interview-with-nom-de-pomme/feed/ 1 Hornblower: Episodes of Reality http://clunkline.com/2010/04/hornblower-episodes-of-reality/ http://clunkline.com/2010/04/hornblower-episodes-of-reality/#comments Thu, 15 Apr 2010 22:46:13 +0000 nom de pomme http://clunkline.com/?p=4642 Anyone who has ever seen the mini series Hornblower would be able to tell you that particular production suffers from plot holes and character flaws evident to even the most uneducated Welshman. Here, I will try to reconstruct some of the most memorable scenes with realistic happenings and dialogue as opposed to the hack job written into the series. Enjoy!

Hornblower Meets Simpson: The junior officers are sitting down to dinner. Simpson takes the food from Hornblower’s plate. Hornblower: By what right do you help yourself to my vittles? Kennedy: He reserves the right to the choice cuts of meat and he helps us out in some other ambiguous way that is never revealed, and also abuses us emotionally. Simpson: That’s right Simpson takes another piece of meat. Hornblower: That’s bullshit. Take another piece and I’ll fucking kill you. Also, doesn’t that guy outrank you? Hornblower points to the lieutenant sitting next to them. Simpson takes another piece of meat. Hornblower leaps across the table, sending food and dishes everywhere. Before Simpson can even say or scream a word, Hornblower rains down a beating on him with the butt of his pistol. Eventually, he subsides after he has ended Simpson’s life, a pool of blood covering the floor and soaking his clothes. Captain Pellew comes in. Pellew: My God! You will hang for this! Hornblower: He was stealing from me and I warned him. When he did it again I defended my honor. It was a fair fight. Pellew: Is that what happened? Everyone nods Pellew: Well then, that’s ok. This is back in the beginning of the 19th century after all. Welcome to the navy.

The landing party gets cornered by the French and need their ship to arrive to save them Kennedy: They have us surrounded! Matthews: We’re running out of powder! Kennedy: Where is the Indy?? They look out to sea and nothing is in the bay. The French press the attack. The embattled company hear a cannon shot, and all look toward the sea again. Kennedy: Oh my God it’s…. Expecting to see his ship coming to their rescue out of nowhere, Kennedy stares at the empty sea. The cannon was a French battery on the hill above. Kennedy: Oh fuck The company is annihilated by the French. MEANWHILE ON THE INDEFAGITABLE Pellew: I’ll have mutton for dinner. Steward: Aye sir.

The French Discover Hornblower and His Crew are Disguised The crew is dressed in French uniforms and flying French colors so that they aren’t destroyed by circling French ships of the line. However, the ruse fails and they are boarded. French Captain: Mr. Hornblower, you play the rules of war very loosely. Hornblower: I play to win. French Captain: Hang him as a spy.

The Royalist French Army in Exile Want to Liberate Their Homeland Levelheaded French General: Tomorrow we will invade our homeland and restore King Louis to the crown. Literally 50 soldiers: Vive le Roi! The literally 50 soldiers get on a boat to INVADE FRANCE. Insane French colonel: I’ve brought along a guillotine so I can punish everyone who opposes the restoration of my noble house in a small rural town. This of course will be after we TAKE OVER FRANCE with our literally 50 soldiers. Matthews: The only good frog is a dead frog. Hornblower: These frogs are our frogs, these frogs are your frogs. LATER, AFTER LANDING IN FRANCE Literally 50 soldiers: Vive le Roi! The literally 50 soldiers meets the Republican army, and are annihilated.

]]> Anyone who has ever seen the mini series Hornblower would be able to tell you that particular production suffers from plot holes and character flaws evident to even the most uneducated Welshman. Here, I will try to reconstruct some of the most memorable scenes with realistic happenings and dialogue as opposed to the hack job written into the series. Enjoy!

Hornblower Meets Simpson:
The junior officers are sitting down to dinner. Simpson takes the food from Hornblower’s plate.
Hornblower: By what right do you help yourself to my vittles?
Kennedy: He reserves the right to the choice cuts of meat and he helps us out in some other ambiguous way that is never revealed, and also abuses us emotionally.
Simpson: That’s right
Simpson takes another piece of meat.
Hornblower: That’s bullshit. Take another piece and I’ll fucking kill you. Also, doesn’t that guy outrank you?
Hornblower points to the lieutenant sitting next to them.
Simpson takes another piece of meat.
Hornblower leaps across the table, sending food and dishes everywhere. Before Simpson can even say or scream a word, Hornblower rains down a beating on him with the butt of his pistol. Eventually, he subsides after he has ended Simpson’s life, a pool of blood covering the floor and soaking his clothes.
Captain Pellew comes in.
Pellew: My God! You will hang for this!
Hornblower: He was stealing from me and I warned him. When he did it again I defended my honor. It was a fair fight.
Pellew: Is that what happened?
Everyone nods
Pellew: Well then, that’s ok. This is back in the beginning of the 19th century after all. Welcome to the navy.

The landing party gets cornered by the French and need their ship to arrive to save them
Kennedy: They have us surrounded!
Matthews: We’re running out of powder!
Kennedy: Where is the Indy??
They look out to sea and nothing is in the bay.
The French press the attack.
The embattled company hear a cannon shot, and all look toward the sea again.
Kennedy: Oh my God it’s….
Expecting to see his ship coming to their rescue out of nowhere, Kennedy stares at the empty sea. The cannon was a French battery on the hill above.
Kennedy: Oh fuck
The company is annihilated by the French.
MEANWHILE ON THE INDEFAGITABLE
Pellew: I’ll have mutton for dinner.
Steward: Aye sir.

The French Discover Hornblower and His Crew are Disguised
The crew is dressed in French uniforms and flying French colors so that they aren’t destroyed by circling French ships of the line. However, the ruse fails and they are boarded.
French Captain: Mr. Hornblower, you play the rules of war very loosely.
Hornblower: I play to win.
French Captain: Hang him as a spy.

The Royalist French Army in Exile Want to Liberate Their Homeland
Levelheaded French General: Tomorrow we will invade our homeland and restore King Louis to the crown.
Literally 50 soldiers: Vive le Roi!
The literally 50 soldiers get on a boat to INVADE FRANCE.
Insane French colonel: I’ve brought along a guillotine so I can punish everyone who opposes the restoration of my noble house in a small rural town. This of course will be after we TAKE OVER FRANCE with our literally 50 soldiers.
Matthews: The only good frog is a dead frog.
Hornblower: These frogs are our frogs, these frogs are your frogs.
LATER, AFTER LANDING IN FRANCE
Literally 50 soldiers: Vive le Roi!
The literally 50 soldiers meets the Republican army, and are annihilated.

]]> http://clunkline.com/2010/04/hornblower-episodes-of-reality/feed/ 0