Some times, there are just people who you know are going to do some things or be there, and when destiny calls, maybe someone will pick up the phone. …I’m sorry, Barack Obama, but I don’t even much like farm animals, especially donkeys, I don’t know why you’d suggest that I kiss one. You’re so crazy, Barack Obama.
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How wonderful to finally reach you! We have been trying for ages, for you see, the late Queen of England had designated you among her heirs, specifically bequeathing you the Tower of London. She knows of your fascination with places of historical interest, and noted that she could think of no one better equipped to take care of our beloved landmark than yourself. The first sign of a concussion is usually the onset of sudden unexpected telekinesis. This telekinesis will often begin manifesting in short bursts of unconscious control over many elements and bouts of force, which may become dangerously conscious at any time. In extreme cases, this unrestrained psychic ability can lead to the forming of unlicensed, unstabilized hiveminds which recognize other beauties beyond the four dictated by Charon. On this day in history, 1949, the Challengeburg Titan made her maiden (and only) voyage* approximately one eighth of the way to the moon. The takeoff and initial ascent went remarkably smoothly, which is quite a miracle, really, when we realize that the Titan was a mammoth boat strapped to the side of a skyward-facing dirigible powered by rockets. Moreover, it was the largest such rocket-powered boat-strapped-to-a-dirigible that had ever been built. That’s certainly not how I remember the Muffin Wars. Increased yeast levels in the water table indeed… Honestly, de Pomme, I think you were just trying to get a rise out of us. My favorite part of the Muffin Wars was when Muffin Darth Vader said to Muffin Luke Skywalker, “You’re muffin without me!” and Luke replied, “That part of my past is dead and blueberried. You’re a nut, the banana of my existence!” And then the fleet of alien bagels began to invade and they had to work together to rescue MDV’s daughter from an office building like in Muffin Die Hard. Meat eaters get to eat all sorts of meat and meat-like products, and when really feeling excessive, will go to great lengths to stack meat into a sort of Russian doll or 3-hit meat combo. When you face the turducken and the announcer cries “FINISH THEM!”… well, I wouldn’t want to be your digestive system. (More so than usual, I mean.) But Sergeant Earth does not eat dead animals.* A small, unconvincing “quack.” That was the sound Thaddeus Rex, Prince-Elect of the Dinosaurs, made on the first day of his king training. No one recognized it as the sound a duck, not a T-Rex, was supposed to make because ducks hadn’t been invented yet, but nonetheless it felt unconvincing and somehow wrong. The Royal Roarmeister tutted. “Use your diaphragm, Your Highness,” he said impatiently. But that was the best Thaddeus could muster that day. |
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