Sentinel (finishing up drying dishes): This is where I leave you.
Sgt. Earth: Well, thank you muchly.
Sentinel: That’s not a word.
Sgt. Earth: What?
Sentinel: “Muchly.” That’s not a word.
Sgt. Earth: It’s wordish.
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Towards the end of 2009, up until the very, very end of 2009, I found myself working more-or-less frantically to finish a choral piece which I had told my great uncle I would finish by the end of the year. During some of the -or-less frantic parts, I managed to come up with some of these gems. Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour. “We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!” thinking about Neil Armstrong in the lunar lander singing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” He was right; it was near absolute zero. But then, what are space suits for? Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples. “What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!” Before I started on the Plutonium Abs program, I was just a scruffy little weakling, just like you. I was overweight, at 4 foot ten and over 200 pounds, but yet I couldn’t lift as well as girls who only weighed 130. But just look at me now! I’ve grown a foot, lost my belly, all while gaining 400 pounds of pure muscle. I actually use most of the muscle to hold the rest of my muscles up. And can you tell I weigh 600 pounds? No! I look great, because I’m roughly as dense as freshly-milled steel. In a surprise upset, wrestling announcer Maximilian “Maxx” Heavyweights won the Heavyweight title in the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship, announced “Maxx” Heavyweights on Tuesday. Things started to go badly for the two contestants about halfway through the final match of the championship. A different perspective on events eight years old. Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century. Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories. |
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