Clunkline » Sgt. Earth

Deleted Scenes from my Internal Monologue

Sgt. Earth — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 06:42:32 +0000

Ow! Is cantaloupe supposed to burn in your mouth while you’re eating it?

Great. Walking around in work pants, shirtless, eating a peach and farting. I hope my gay housemates don’t notice.

Mm. Squash water!

SPECIAL SUPER SANDALOUS SUMMER CLUNKER SANDAL ISSUE

Sgt. Earth — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 04:50:20 +0000

Spring Break is over, but the SUPER PRIVATE times continue down on Gulf beaches as the Almost Naked Volleyball Championships get underway. And sometimes the co-ed teams wear SANDALS!!

“SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches. “You can even wear them over boots and that is even SEXYer than not wearing boots. SANDALS are so hottttt, they sometimes put me on fire.” FIVE Ts is how hottttt SANDALS are.

“I just love to watch the young co-eds jump around in their SANDALS,” said University of DuBois sophomore design major Richard Mules. “Because SANDALS have all the excitement of a natural disaster with none of the senseless deaths. Hooray for SANDALS!”

However, more conservative voices would call the SANDALS an AFFRONT TO VALUES. “I don’t see how you can call SANDAL-WEARING in the beach sunshine a sport,” said Carlow College music major Jañez Espadrilles. “It makes me sad inside and want to wither up near the cold clear water.” MORALS.

“According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a DYNAMO is a generator, especially one for producing direct current, or a person who is also like this,” says purchasing manager Oto Tatami. “It is this that defines the administration, it is good that nothing is any good with SANDALS.”

This article was originally published in readme’s Annual Sandal Issue, which is a joke on the Tartan’s Annual Scandal Issue, which is a joke on that time the Tartan did a thing with a thing. See, the Tartan can be funny sometimes!

Bran Flakes ad – so much friggin’ bran!

Sgt. Earth — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:12:28 +0000

Point/Counterpoint: Greek Life

Sgt. Earth — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 06:00:21 +0000

Point:
All these frats keep trying to Rush me, but man, I don’t know. I mean, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I thought it’d be cool, but then he apparently set some kind of world record for Vomiting Everywhere, I don’t know. It sounded pretty bad. And I know hazing is supposed to be illegal, but one friend of mine got hazed pretty bad and wouldn’t talk about it and I said, “Spill man, you’re acting like they put you through Chinese Water Torture,” and he just said, “They did” with this dead look in his eyes… and then he actually died… and I guess I felt like kind of a dick about that. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just don’t know if I want to get involved in Greek life.

Counterpoint:
Oh, but dude, Greek life is AWESOME! I mean, I’ve been a Greek for pretty much my whole life and I just love it to death. You get all this good food with grape leaves, filo dough, and feta cheese, and the Parthenon, and Dionysus. And there are gyros and olives everywhere. You should totally become a Greek. Here, hang on, I think I’ve got the citizenship applications on me… Aetoû gêras, korydoû neótēs, brah. Aetoû gêras.

———-
This may or may not have been published in readme. Wouldn’t you like to know?

Science and You(gurt)

Sgt. Earth — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 17:21:25 +0000

I ran out of time looking for houses over the summer, so now I’m subletting for two months and moving into a new, awesomer place in August.

The place where I’m living is not bad; the house is beautiful, and my room is rather nice – spacious, and just a bit on the humid side. Some of my housemates are mixed up in entirely the wrong crowd, so much so that when Dr. Subtle told me over the phone last night that one of my housemates had just been arrested, my response was, “Oh, really! Which one?”

However, this is not the point. The point is that the fridge doesn’t work very well. It might be just about the right temperature to sit in and relax over these hot summer months. However, it is entirely the wrong temperature for dairy products.

The problem is twofold: on the one hand, dairy products seem to spoil measurably faster than in the fridge I had at my old place. On the other hand, I feel less inclined to eat my dairy products anyway because they’re all hovering just under lukewarm, thus leading to them sitting around for longer and, well, you can guess the rest. Because I buy only the best dairy products (raw milk, organic cottage cheese and yogurt), this is rather a bummer. And don’t get me wrong – the freezer works fine, great. It’s just the fridge that has problems, even when turned up all the way.

Now, I do intend to talk with my landlord and request that it be properly fixed. So, optimally, it should *be* fixed, eventually. But in the meantime, I’ve opted to simply change my diet, making it more suitable to temperate regions. Eating more tofu, beans, and frozen vegetables is something I can live with, so, eh.

But, I still had an unfinished yogurt that was still good, and I didn’t want to either eat it lukewarm or throw it out later. I took the third path (which, notably, was recommended to me by the housemate who is now in jail), and in doing so I have discovered that science works exactly (well, okay, almost exactly) as you wanted it to.

Yes sir and madam, by putting yogurt in your freezer, it does in fact turn into…………. *drum roll* a block of milky ice; but THEN, by letting it sit out in your fridge for a couple of hours, yes, THEN, it turns into…………….. *additional drum roll*
FROZEN.
YOGURT.
And, in fact, it’s pretty good! Just add some honey, or cinammon, or peppermint, or chocolate soymilk, or (as I did) all four at once, and you’re set to go! Deee-licious.

To me, this is a discovery approximately equivallent to taking bread to France and having it spontaneously transform into French toast. This is exactly how I would want science to work… well, almost. It would be nice if you didn’t have to thaw it, but eh.

This has been Science and You. Next week, join us as we attempt to determine why “frozen cottage cheese” is not yet a popular frozen dessert.