“I Kissed a Girl”: The Tween Idol and Her Audience

Shrewed — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:28:58 +0000

Recently I was stuck in car outside of my driving jurisdiction and thus without the authority to change the radio station. Among the various ephemera of pop music which quickly left my head, I suddenly picked up on the refrain of “I Kissed A Girl”. I too have kissed a girl, and everyone likes songs which relate to them, but the difference here may be that I am male, and thus my actions carried no titillating tease of the homoerotic. Still, it was of interest.

Now I do not condone this song. It is of course pure pop–99% sugar and 1% production, with a exploitative pitch wrapped up in a delicious but fattening layer of hypocrisy. Or so I thought on first listen. Second listen (later, in the same vehicle) proved my assumptions almost entirely correct, with one major alteration. I realized that this song was not a slightly homophobic portrait of a drunk girl doing naughty but oh so sexy things. No, it was actually a picture of a lady in moral distress, caught between society’s mores and pedophilia: an accurate analogy for the relationship between Tweens (see what I did there? Eh? EH?) and their pop idols.

First for those behind the times, I give you the lyrics in questions.

“This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
Just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don’t even know your name
It doesn’t matter,
You’re my experimental game
Just human nature,
It’s not what,
Good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent

On first glance, yeah it looks like a former Christian pop artist trying to make herself look sexy and edgy. BUT there’s some real conflict going on here. What does that boyfriend think? (Answer: He probably doesn’t mind too much. The song tells you homosexuality isn’t real love anyway.)

Now dig deeper. See something weird? Cherry chapstick? WTF? No one over 15 uses cherry chap stick, so obviously the subject being kissed here is a girl, NOT a woman. Which could mean that Katy Perry is voicing another young child as she slowly discovers the value of vagina. But then why is she drinking so damn much? That’s some pretty serious negative behavior, and would obviously indict the singer as a bad girl before she kissed anyone. We’re left with the only other answer: Katy Perry, a full-grown woman, is kissing a 15 year-old.

Now that we’ve established the situation, we can clearly see that the inner conflict does not arise from problems of homosexuality, but instead pedophilia and the legal age. The song explores a woman’s conflict as she finds herself falling for this young chapstick wearing girl. Never a good reflection on one’s morals. She tries to push it away as not being love, but the doubts still linger. What first seems to be purely superficial crap now reveals itself as a soul in distress.

“I Kissed a Girl” is not only a story of woman-meets-girl, but an analogy for the relationship of the Pop Idol to her audience. As a new tween singer, Katy Perry must dress up all skanky and corsety, marketing her sexiness and image over any real talent. She is the lady, selling herself to young teenagers, where they enter an odd relationship of mutual attraction based on advertising and record sales. Even though Katy realizes the dangerous nature of presenting herself to such impressionable youth, she can’t help herself, attracted as she is to their free-floating cash. Both idol and audience are caught in this relationship, so obviously wrong, but both enjoying it too much to want to break free.

Now, yes, I will admit my blood may be filled with a certain byproduct of fermentation, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take me seriously. I have a degree in this shit.

Fossil of God Found

Tanzmetall — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:03:22 +0000

Scientists were shocked by the discovery of a perfectly preserved fossil of Deus Domesticus, commonly known as God. The find is expected to debunk many prevailing theories of science, evolution, ages of philosophical debate, and all remnants of logic.

“This fossil is sign from God,” said Don Herrold, owner of the Creationist museum which has purchased the fossil. “He designed the world and then put this fossil of Himself here and designed it so we would find it just when atheists wanted to destroy the bible with their evolution. Now we can laugh at them thanks to His fossilized wisdom.”

God appears to be an old man, with short vestigial arms that have no use in hunting. He is believed to have roamed the earth during the Old Testament era, smiting those who doubted him. God had no natural predators, his favorite prey was heretic, and his gestation period was seven days.

The fossil was found with a parchment in His hand, which read: “Thou art idiots”. Debate has raged over the meaning of the phrase, but each religious group has reached the conclusion that it refers to everyone except them.

Philosopher Adam Kurtz remains skeptical. “They say they have physical proof that God exists,” said Kurtz. “But what if this world doesn’t exist, and I don’t exist? That means that the physical God cannot exist and so there is still no God because nothing exists and since nothing exists I don’t exist and…” Kurtz continued until he proved that the fossil of God is actually a non-existent dream within a dream that doesn’t exist.

Several theologians were quick to point out that having proof of God’s existence destroys all meaning in a faith-based God, but they were promptly stoned.

The concept and draft were created by Tanzmetall, the final draft was edited by Shrewed, and the article was published ages ago by readme.

LOLPAUL

Shrewed — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 04:52:41 +0000

I give you internet cancer.

Clunkline » Shrewed

“I Kissed a Girl”: The Tween Idol and Her Audience

Fossil of God Found

LOLPAUL