I hate Dave & Busters. I’ve hated them for a long time. It has nothing to do with their staggeringly overpriced french fries, their usurious activation fees for their cards, or that dumb way that they connect all their fans together with gears and belts. No, it runs much deeper.
|
|||||||
|
From the Clunkline Future Affairs Correspondence Desk- March 9th, 2025 Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career.
I just got back from my 8th tour of duty. After the 3rd, they stop giving you tour guides.
In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.
Just now I was checking my email and listening to my iPod on shuffle, when a song I had not heard in several years came up: “The Village of Dwarves” by Italian metal band Rhapsody of Fire. A nostalgic smile spread over my face as the band’s lyrics about, well, a village of dwarves enfolded me with their mighty power, and I was reminded once again that Rhapsody is far and away the nerdiest band to ever walk the Earth. The inclusion of “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragonforce on Guitar Hero 3 was the first exposure many Americans had to European power metal. I remember watching friends laughing at that song’s silly lyrics about the “flames of death’s eternal reign” and “fighting hard, fighting on for the steel, through the wastelands evermore.” Well, Rhapsody manages to be orders of magnitude lamer than that. The key is that Rhapsody’s albums all tell a continuing narrative called the “Emerald Sword Saga,” the most laughably, idiotically juvenile fantasy saga ever told.
President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.” This’ll be my first corner post. I’m not sure yet how I’m going use this, so I guess I’ll have to experiment. For now I’m going to treat it as a blog, and for my first blog post I’m going to rant about one of my least favorite things ever: conspiracy theories. Personally, I think every single conspiracy theory is wrong. No, I’m serious. I’ve never seen any convincing evidence that any of these crackpot, connect-the-nonexistent-dots, shit-we-made-up “theories” is true. Let’s talk about the two big ones today: 9/11 and Kennedy. After millennia of intense media speculation, the Jews confirmed yesterday that they would exercise their opt-out clause in the Covenant with Almighty God and seek offers from other deities. “The Covenant may have been a fair deal 5000 years ago,” said Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel and current leader of the Worldwide Shadow Conspiracy, “but with expanding revenues and increased global marketing opportunities, we felt that it was time to move on.” Astute readers of this site will have noticed that Clunkline has recently added a new writer to our zoo: Simon Jester. Now we expect that all of you have heard of him already and probably wonder why Clunkline would sully its good name with such a monster. Certainly, the events of his scandalous life and mysterious death need no further elaboration. However, he has assured us that since his resurrection he is a changed man, and if there is one thing Clunkline stands for, it is child labor. But if there were two things Clunkline stood for, the other thing would be second chances, which is why we ask you, the readers, to give Simon Jester a shot. Sit right there and I’ll tell a tale, a tale of ancient days |
Entries feed:
Comments feed: |
||||||
Copyright © 2013 Clunkline - All Rights Reserved Powered by WordPress & the Atahualpa Theme by BytesForAll. Discuss on our WP Forum 191 queries. 1.044 seconds. View in: Mobile | Standard
|
|||||||
