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I dreamed farkle-farkle had this device, a big metal sarcophagus you stepped inside. You could walk while wearing it, and it had a shower head above you and a TV in front of you. It looked sort of like Rosie from The Jetsons. Naturally, this walking-TV-shower was for camping, so it was called the Tom Sawyer. Today I left a bunch of messages for nom de pomme that he did not return because he is a hateful jerk. I decided that this was more newsworthy than the oil spill, and that the internet really needed to know about it. I don’t remember my exact words, but what can I say, journalistic standards have fallen. Message 1 “Hi, Frank [not his name], this is Bob. I dun knifed some guy again so I’m at the jail as per the usual. Come bail me out, I’ll buy you some tobackey to make up fer it. Hopefully I don’t knife you too. Well, I’ll talk to ya later, I gots ta go make dingleberry cobbler, if ya know what I mean.” Message 2 “Hi, um, this is awkward. Hello, me, I guess? I’m actually an alternate version of you. Yeah, I like, came to warn you, and stuff. There’s this other version of us who’s going around killing other us-es, you know, like that movie The One, with that asian guy? Actually, that’s where he got the idea. So yeah, like, watch your back, man. … Also, it’s an okay movie, so, like, totally netflix that shit.” Although everybody says that nuking the spill isn’t on the table, the fact that it’s even being discussed in the New York Times just goes to show you what capable hands we’re all in. Right? Because nukes are a great way for sealing things up, not, you know, blasting huge holes in them and scattering the debris all over the fucking place. And nothing screams “Success!” like a dead, oil-covered, radioactive porpoise. For too long, we have suffered under various regimes whose priorities are utterly out of touch with the lives of normal Americans. It’s time to change that. Like you, I have a much more down-to-earth, everyman’s attitude when it comes to legislation. Here are the issues that are closest to my heart. Toilet Law I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.
Nicholas Cage is one of those special things in life that makes me throw shoes at children yelling, “Why?! Sweet Jesus, why?!” Doesn’t help that he’s always wearing a shirt that reveals his body hair and a stupid grin, looking like a puppy caught mid-shit in your bedsheets. If you’re at all like me, you wonder several times a minute how this douche became the douche he is. Luckily, Clunkline’s scientists have studied The Cage for years searching for answers to the puzzle that is Nicholas Cage. Dear Tyler, At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out! I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go? -Speechless in Sioux Falls Dear Speechless, What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!
PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST About four minutes pass while we see shit we’ve already obsessively watched four to six times. INT. THE JUNGLE – NOONISH A figure crashes through the jungle. the music tells us it is important We can’t see who it is INT. SUN’S GARDEN Sun is in her garden. CREAKY CRASHY She turns around to see who the creaky crashy is no one is there INT. THE JUNGLE CRASH SNAP BREAK go the twigs and branches, whoever it is, sure is runnin’. Meanwhile, the list of Guest Stars gives away that it is Mira Furlan’s character crashing through the underbrush. INT. SUN’S GARDEN Mira Furlan’s character (Rew Sew) crashes out of the underbrush. I am not wearing a bra. A giant “LOST” flies toward the screen to tell the audience that the characters are LOST just in case they forgot Mr. Metall, It is the finding of the IRS that your charity, Hugs for Slugs LLC, is in violation of multiple clauses of the U.S. Tax Code. For one thing, it is not a limited liability company at all, even though LLC is a part of its name. You claim that this stands for “sLLugs Can get hugs”, but we believe you are being deliberately misleading. Another pressing issue is that your charity does not so much provide hugs for slugs, as it launders money for the mob. MesmericKiwi and I found a white erase board calendar sitting next to a chair in a campus eatery. We helpfully filled in a schedule for the benefit of the calendar’s owner, whenever they return for it.
farkle-farkle: Why is C-Span showing DC as if it’s in Pacific time? nervestaple: Because a major stipulation of the health bill was to put DC on rafts and float it off the coast of Los Angeles. Tanzmetall: Yeah, they’re gonna sink the poor areas and use them as underwater buttresses, to keep California from sliding into the ocean. Sgt. Earth: I hear that worked well for New Orleans. RIMSHOT.
Twitter’s new side project, Shitter.com, recently went live. The new site was aimed for the “likes to microblog about pooping” demographic of Twitter users. In a press release last Thursday, Twitter said Shitter “would be lucky” if “even two or three” users sign up over the next year. Shitter has already secured advertising bids from Fiber One, Ex-Lax, and Pepto-Bismol. THE BOUNTY HUNTER GRIMLY Stared tadeusz down the barrel of his hackbow. It is the bounty hunter who is doing the staring, in case that wasn’t clear. Also, a hackbow is a crossbow that shoots hacksaw blades, if that wasn’t clear also. “Ha ha ha,” the bounty man said, inching hisfingers closer to the trigger, “I will collect lots of rupees for this fine catch?!” Tadeusz boredly examined his fingernails. “Ho hum,” said he. He was not concerned because he had A SECRET PLAN. Shhhh! Don’t tell the bounty hunter. |
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