Naturally, this walking-TV-shower was for camping, so it was called the Tom Sawyer.

Message 1

“Hi, Frank [not his name], this is Bob. I dun knifed some guy again so I’m at the jail as per the usual. Come bail me out, I’ll buy you some tobackey to make up fer it. Hopefully I don’t knife you too. Well, I’ll talk to ya later, I gots ta go make dingleberry cobbler, if ya know what I mean.”

Message 2

“Hi, um, this is awkward. Hello, me, I guess? I’m actually an alternate version of you. Yeah, I like, came to warn you, and stuff. There’s this other version of us who’s going around killing other us-es, you know, like that movie The One, with that asian guy? Actually, that’s where he got the idea. So yeah, like, watch your back, man. … Also, it’s an okay movie, so, like, totally netflix that shit.”

Message 3

“Hello, this is Bob Warkins with the United States Census Bureau. I noticed that you entered your ethnicity as “teletubby” your occupation as “terrorist”. This is a serious offense, and will be pursued to the full extent of the law. The teletubbies really suck.”

My arms are heavy, man. Not that they’re fat, but they have virtually no muscle on them, which is because I got used to most chairs having armrests. My holder-upper muscles (as my personal trainer calls them*) have atrophied. And like a child raised in space–as so many these days are–once I’ve adjusted to the lazy life, I’m not gonna want to lift my fucking arms for anybody.

I think what bothers me about this is that it would have been so little work for you to add armrests. It’s like, two extra screws and a tiny chunk of tree, that’s all you need. You could make an armrest with less effort than it takes to hold your arms up without one.

If this were an interview, this would be the part where I’d say, “This interview is over!” Then I’d unzip my fly, say, “And now I’m gonna pee on your cat,” and I’d pee on your cat.

Although I think my personal trainer is right about this, it’s kind of a “broken clock” situation since normally his workout advice is to masturbate vigorously. I bet I miss fewer workouts than you do, but I also bet you don’t have to get a new gym membership every week.

Apparently there’s this attitude that nukes can do anything because not enough people really know how they work. Since we don’t know how this damn oil rig works either, I guess that makes the two completely compatible.

Fortunately, cooler heads will probably prevail, with ideas that will probably resemble the following.

The Tarp Trap

A tarp will be placed in a microwave. The microwave will be set to high heat for five minutes. Hopefully the tarp will become infused with radiation that will cause it to mutate into a giant tarp. This giant tarp will then be placed over the Gulf of Mexico.

The Bottle Fizzle

A giant bottle of Coca-Cola will be lowered above the pipe, mouth down. Then, a huge Mentos will be crammed inside it. The resulting pressure from the fizz will push the oil back down into the ground.

The Milkshake

Oil from the beaches will be mixed with ice cream to make chocolate ice cream. This does not stop the leak, but it does make it economically profitable.

The Spaghun

While thinking about accusations that they are just throwing spaghetti at the wall, one BP engineer shouted, “That’s it!” and dashed off to his study to draw up a plan. He came back with a schematic of a spaghetti cannon and a sloppy drawing of a cowboy, the latter of which he had drawn “just for fun”. The idea is… well, I’m pretty sure you can figure out what a spaghetti gun would do.

Finally, the only option that would actually work:

Giving Up on the Gulf

It’s really just time we admitted that anyone trying to live in this area is completely forsaken by whatever God they do or don’t believe in. It’s time to quit while they’re behind, because if they don’t, next year is gonna be the year a giant butthole appears in the sky and shits all over New Orleans.

When God’s wrath and dingleberries start to rain down from the heavens, I’ll be here to say, “I told you so.”

Update:

According to MSNBC, a new cap was fitted onto it, and officials are “cautiously optimistic”. However, it’s hard to tell if it’s working yet, because “the gushing oil makes it very difficult to tell if the cap is fitting well.”

…

…

…yeah.

Toilet Law

I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.

Parking Spaces

Every man has the God-given right to park wherever he damn well pleases. If the stupid fucking cops give him a parking ticket, he should be allowed to burn the courthouse.

That Fucking Bastard Cutting You Off

It seems hardly a day passes where a hardworking American isn’t cut off by a fucking bastard. I will make cutting you off a felony. I will also require all convicted fucking bastards to add their names to a registry and alert their neighbors when they move into a new neighborhood.

Sick Day Expansion

I will bribe every doctor in the country into issuing excuses for any sick day you feel like taking. If you are fired for taking 73 sick days, I will pay a man to pee on your boss.

Fart Reform

I will repeal Smelt It Dealt It, which unfairly punishes honest whistleblowing and leads to fart witchhunts.

Dirty Dishes

It is not the Government’s role to step in and do your dishes. However, it is not your job to wash your dishes either, any more than it is your job to wash homeless people. If the homeless people don’t wash themselves, they suffer the consequences–dishes should be no different. Under my rule of law, all dishes will be required to wash themselves.

Pube Regulation

On the hot-button issue of pubic hairs in shower drains, I take the moderate stance that it should be illegal to possess quantities of pubes greater than 500 grams, except for medical purposes.