Clunkline » weekendsquire http://clunkline.com Doom flies on detachable wings. Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:30:22 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc Things not to show up with while couch surfing http://clunkline.com/2010/03/things-not-to-show-up-with-while-couch-surfing/ http://clunkline.com/2010/03/things-not-to-show-up-with-while-couch-surfing/#comments Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:10:11 +0000 Grabass_Champion http://clunkline.com/?p=4488

The head of a dead clown: “Hey! Me and Sparky wanna spend the night!” Dressed in 250 lbs. of raw bacon Balloon animals clearly made from Trojan XL condoms A perfect wax replica of the person you’re visiting Sparkplug from their car: “I thought we’d spend a lot of time together.” Almost-empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol, a brown shirt stain, and no pants My-sized barbie doll, and no pants Bag of turtles A bloody onesie and a broken claw hammer Balloon animals clearly made from pig intestines Their wife A perfect wax replica of Richard Nixon An angry monkey in a silly hat Pants full to the brim with hot dogs and entrails (hey, at least you were wearing pants) Balloon animals clearly made from lubricated spermicidal condoms A wheelbarrow full of bricks: “There’s a puppy in here somewhere…” A pair of scissors in an evidence bag, a fake physician’s license, and a deceased armadillo A duffel bag clearly containing a live midget A duffel bag clearly containing a dead midget A hazmat suit, a fire hose, and a speculum Balloon animals clearly made from human intestines A perfect wax replica of Carrot Top Leading a barber shop quartet of homeless people All the silverware you’ve stolen over the years ]]> Chainsaw (except in Vermont)
  • Children that clearly don’t belong to you

  • The head of a dead clown: “Hey! Me and Sparky wanna spend the night!”
  • Dressed in 250 lbs. of raw bacon
  • Balloon animals clearly made from Trojan XL condoms
  • A perfect wax replica of the person you’re visiting
  • Sparkplug from their car: “I thought we’d spend a lot of time together.”
  • Almost-empty bottle of Pepto-Bismol, a brown shirt stain, and no pants
  • My-sized barbie doll, and no pants
  • Bag of turtles
  • A bloody onesie and a broken claw hammer
  • Balloon animals clearly made from pig intestines
  • Their wife
  • A perfect wax replica of Richard Nixon
  • An angry monkey in a silly hat
  • Pants full to the brim with hot dogs and entrails (hey, at least you were wearing pants)
  • Balloon animals clearly made from lubricated spermicidal condoms
  • A wheelbarrow full of bricks: “There’s a puppy in here somewhere…”
  • A pair of scissors in an evidence bag, a fake physician’s license, and a deceased armadillo
  • A duffel bag clearly containing a live midget
  • A duffel bag clearly containing a dead midget
  • A hazmat suit, a fire hose, and a speculum
  • Balloon animals clearly made from human intestines
  • A perfect wax replica of Carrot Top
  • Leading a barber shop quartet of homeless people
  • All the silverware you’ve stolen over the years
    • ]]>     http://clunkline.com/2010/03/things-not-to-show-up-with-while-couch-surfing/feed/ 0     A Call to Arms http://clunkline.com/2010/02/a-call-to-arms/ http://clunkline.com/2010/02/a-call-to-arms/#comments Thu, 11 Feb 2010 02:44:26 +0000 weekendsquire http://clunkline.com/2010/02/a-call-to-arms/ I come to you, dear citizens, in a moment of great pain, and ask you all to do your part during this terrible blizzard. My Suggestions?1. Gather round your pitchforks, fire and cantankerous old men. As an angry mob, we kill the ground hog.2. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, blast your 1980′s Metal and frolic about outside with your aqua net and hairdryers. One will kindly encourage mother nature’s warm spell, and the other, while less effective, will be much more satisfying. 2.a. I understand that some of you have an allergy to Aquanet. The same effect can be had by ingesting beans, beer, broccoli, and for those of you with the ever so excitable disease lactose-intolerance, have yourself a glass of milk and some mac and cheese. Methane AWAY! 3. Outside, there is a bunch of fresh, clean, free water falling from the sky. Why is no one melting this and sending it to Haiti? A. Sharing is Caring, and they need it. B. We give people jobs, to melt and bottle the snow, and boost the economy with public works. C. We get the fuck rid of it!

    ]]>     I come to you, dear citizens, in a moment of great pain, and ask you all to do your part during this terrible blizzard. My Suggestions?
    1. Gather round your pitchforks, fire and cantankerous old men. As an angry mob, we kill the ground hog.
    2. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, blast your 1980′s Metal and frolic about outside with your aqua net and hairdryers. One will kindly encourage mother nature’s warm spell, and the other, while less effective, will be much more satisfying.
    2.a. I understand that some of you have an allergy to Aquanet. The same effect can be had by ingesting beans, beer, broccoli, and for those of you with the ever so excitable disease lactose-intolerance, have yourself a glass of milk and some mac and cheese.
    Methane AWAY!
    3. Outside, there is a bunch of fresh, clean, free water falling from the sky. Why is no one melting this and sending it to Haiti? A. Sharing is Caring, and they need it. B. We give people jobs, to melt and bottle the snow, and boost the economy with public works. C. We get the fuck rid of it!

    ]]>     http://clunkline.com/2010/02/a-call-to-arms/feed/ 0     An Open Letter to the Parent of a Former Customer http://clunkline.com/2010/02/an-open-letter-to-the-parent-of-a-former-customer/ http://clunkline.com/2010/02/an-open-letter-to-the-parent-of-a-former-customer/#comments Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:36:48 +0000 weekendsquire http://clunkline.com/2010/02/an-open-letter-to-the-parent-of-a-former-customer/ Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society, I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well. Also, her complete lack of respect to anything or anyone also attempting to acquire our merchandise is appalling. So upon her recent removal, you graced me with your cross-eyed, spandex enveloped, lice and crab infested presence. You did not care to speak to the store’s manager, who both times, as you informed me, removed your princess from our place of work. Instead, you came to me. With your breath of swine and nicotine, you asked first “Weren’t you Anthony’s sister?” to which I replied “I still am, despite his passing far too soon at 16.” Neither of these facts have anything to do with your failed abortion straddling her fur-covered animal friends in the store, but that certainly is not your concern. Instead, your banshee-like shrieking tells of your woes and sorrow for not being able to spend another dollar in a store which is based on things no one actually needs. Ever. We do not carry food, or housing, water, or air; so to see your thong-juice-crusted-one-dollar bills and brown and green nickels leave is not a particularly painful waste for us. (Well, it may have been for you… I thought I saw blood on the last one.) As a great and powerful last stand against the CORPORATION, you have the audacity to speak against a dead CHILD to their SISTER because your lack of morality and decent humanity taught your STI-oozing, wreaking, round, 14 year old “princess” that she owned everything and could destroy it at will. Well, let me tell you, that if you step one more scum-drenched, gooey foot on the premises, or if I have one more whiff of your stinking, cow manure laced, cum-guzzling, salty breath, I will hit you so hard your lazy eye will be the over-achiever. Love, Weekendsquire

    ]]>     Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
    I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well. Also, her complete lack of respect to anything or anyone also attempting to acquire our merchandise is appalling. So upon her recent removal, you graced me with your cross-eyed, spandex enveloped, lice and crab infested presence. You did not care to speak to the store’s manager, who both times, as you informed me, removed your princess from our place of work. Instead, you came to me. With your breath of swine and nicotine, you asked first “Weren’t you Anthony’s sister?” to which I replied “I still am, despite his passing far too soon at 16.” Neither of these facts have anything to do with your failed abortion straddling her fur-covered animal friends in the store, but that certainly is not your concern. Instead, your banshee-like shrieking tells of your woes and sorrow for not being able to spend another dollar in a store which is based on things no one actually needs. Ever. We do not carry food, or housing, water, or air; so to see your thong-juice-crusted-one-dollar bills and brown and green nickels leave is not a particularly painful waste for us. (Well, it may have been for you… I thought I saw blood on the last one.)
    As a great and powerful last stand against the CORPORATION, you have the audacity to speak against a dead CHILD to their SISTER because your lack of morality and decent humanity taught your STI-oozing, wreaking, round, 14 year old “princess” that she owned everything and could destroy it at will. Well, let me tell you, that if you step one more scum-drenched, gooey foot on the premises, or if I have one more whiff of your stinking, cow manure laced, cum-guzzling, salty breath, I will hit you so hard your lazy eye will be the over-achiever.
    Love,
    Weekendsquire

    ]]>     http://clunkline.com/2010/02/an-open-letter-to-the-parent-of-a-former-customer/feed/ 0     Funny Little Cult http://clunkline.com/2010/02/funny-little-cult/ http://clunkline.com/2010/02/funny-little-cult/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 02:04:24 +0000 weekendsquire http://clunkline.com/?p=3868 This town I happen to be stuck in for a year has one odd ritual. Every February second a spell is cast over the town and all those who come in contact with it. This spell is sometimes strong enough to drag the weak of mind out of their beds at two o’clock in the morning and stand in the cold while cult leaders, wearing black suits and top hats, dance around a fiberglass log.

    Located within this fiberglass log is a fat rodent that I believe they breed to ooze some kind of pheromone to direct more people to it. For hours the arriving victims are hypnotized by one of the cult leaders, who carries around a giant clock and commands the audience to dance around and chant, “Hey Ben, what time is it?” and mock them by forcing them to repeat–which I am sure is only for the cult’s sick pleasure–“Hey Ben, how cold is it?”

    Hours upon hours, as the temperature rises and falls somewhere between ten and ten below, the drunken males float through the waves of people and the occasional cloud of smoke rises above the crowd that I can only assume is to dull the overwhelming power of the pheromones.

    Upon the time the claim to release the vermin, they distract the audience with bright lights, the Pennsylvania Polka, and a parade of more of the cult members. After they announce the each member of the “inner circle,” which I am positive is symbolic seeing as circles never end, they pull the groundhog out of the fiber glass log. The most disappointing part of the entire ordeal is that they don’t even sacrifice the bastard! The head of the “inner circle” talks to the animal and apparently, it talks back claiming to predict the seasons! Miserable from the overall experience, a train of zombie-people slithers through the town back to their beds, drained.

    I’m sure there is a deeper conspiracy here but I myself am too drained to figure it out.

    ]]>     This town I happen to be stuck in for a year has one odd ritual. Every February second a spell is cast over the town and all those who come in contact with it. This spell is sometimes strong enough to drag the weak of mind out of their beds at two o’clock in the morning and stand in the cold while cult leaders, wearing black suits and top hats, dance around a fiberglass log.

    Located within this fiberglass log is a fat rodent that I believe they breed to ooze some kind of pheromone to direct more people to it. For hours the arriving victims are hypnotized by one of the cult leaders, who carries around a giant clock and commands the audience to dance around and chant, “Hey Ben, what time is it?” and mock them by forcing them to repeat–which I am sure is only for the cult’s sick pleasure–“Hey Ben, how cold is it?”

    Hours upon hours, as the temperature rises and falls somewhere between ten and ten below, the drunken males float through the waves of people and the occasional cloud of smoke rises above the crowd that I can only assume is to dull the overwhelming power of the pheromones.

    Upon the time the claim to release the vermin, they distract the audience with bright lights, the Pennsylvania Polka, and a parade of more of the cult members. After they announce the each member of the “inner circle,” which I am positive is symbolic seeing as circles never end, they pull the groundhog out of the fiber glass log. The most disappointing part of the entire ordeal is that they don’t even sacrifice the bastard! The head of the “inner circle” talks to the animal and apparently, it talks back claiming to predict the seasons! Miserable from the overall experience, a train of zombie-people slithers through the town back to their beds, drained.

    I’m sure there is a deeper conspiracy here but I myself am too drained to figure it out.

    ]]>     http://clunkline.com/2010/02/funny-little-cult/feed/ 0     Hey, everyone! Welcome to my Sub-Saharan Africa theme party! http://clunkline.com/2010/02/hey-everyone-welcome-to-my-sub-saharan-africa-theme-party/ http://clunkline.com/2010/02/hey-everyone-welcome-to-my-sub-saharan-africa-theme-party/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2010 18:28:39 +0000 Grabass_Champion http://clunkline.com/2010/02/hey-everyone-welcome-to-my-sub-saharan-africa-theme-party/ No, there’s no food. Unless you let this foreign investor rape you. Then you can have some food.

    But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

    Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

    Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

    So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!

    ]]>     No, there’s no food.

    Unless you let this foreign investor rape you. Then you can have some food.

    But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

    Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

    Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

    So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!

    ]]>     http://clunkline.com/2010/02/hey-everyone-welcome-to-my-sub-saharan-africa-theme-party/feed/ 0