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Dear Old King Coal (ha ha, I do jest, I know you are really a baron and not a king – but it is nice to pretend sometimes, isn’t it?), Ol’ Jed Bickers here, your pal from ‘palachia. I was running some ‘speriments in my backyard laboratory, and I believe I may have just made some strides forwards in clean coal technology. Since you are basically depending on clean coal as a desperate long-shot towards the feasibility of your industry, I thought you might be mildly interested in my results. Generally speaking, I think I eat fairly healthfully. I am wrong… having grown accustomed to eating only the mildest berries of the forest during my time in the Bio Brigades, “fairly healthy” for me is eating my bark and foliage with a little bit of cream. I jest, of course – I’m more of a nuts and berries kind of guy. But! Every once in a while the siren call of the way I used to eat, and once in a maroon moon, I heed it. Tonight was one of those times. The siren in question, pleading her false case to my willing ears? Ach, the sailors speak of her only in whispered tongues… for she is the one known only as… March 25 Last night at Fire Hall 118, members of the comedy club at Lonely Fields Retirement Home were entertaining attendees of the much anticipated DefSeniorComedyJam. Things turned ugly however when Hugo Domingez, halfway through a set about how he didn’t see well anymore, lost control of his bowels. The incident then started a horrific chain reaction in the audience. Four were hospitalized and one died. Date Subject POLE OF INACCESSIBILITY, ANTARCTICA – Member nations of the Antarctic Treaty were shocked to learn that millions of square miles of useless, uninhabitable frozen wasteland was forcefully taken away from them today when Cogwell Rutland of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA planted the flag of that city squarely on top of the decades old statue of Lenin that has for so long marked the point furthest from the southern sea in the Antarctic landmass. Instantly, the city of Pittsburgh’s land area increased 9,262,400%. “I just thought, three rivers n’at are cool but hey we could really use dis place” said Cogwell when reached for comment. “I came down ‘ere to look at em pengins o’er dere and I had dis flag n’all so what the heck y’know. Stole me a snowplow and came out ‘ere and planed it. And my muther said I’d never git outta Polish Hill!” Cogwell also installed himself as Emperor of the Southern Sea. Of course, a multinational coalition of signatory nations will be formed to destroy and overthrow Pittsburgh’s government and return the Antarctic to the purpose of peaceful scientific research. The pole of inaccessibility will also be carpet bombed. Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC. Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants. Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management. And the winner is… “Controlling the heart with lasers may actually be safe”* Oh, well that’s a relief. All this time, we’ve been unloading our lasers on people’s hearts just in the off-chance that it’s a good idea, and finally, here we have the proof! Proof inside the proverbial pudding. A pudding made from lasers and advances in health science. Pudding actually sounds pretty good right now. Mm, gelatinous substances. Well, that is why I went into the field of medicine / mad science in the first place… I just can’t get enough of gooey things. Laser? I hardly even know ‘er!** (*from here: http://arstechnica.com/science/news/2010/08/lasers-outpace-other-methods-of-controlling-heartbeats.ars) Enter Henry, awaking Henry: yawn…I wonder what day is today? Henry looks at his all saints wacky wonderful off the wall calendar, sitting on the edge of his night-stand. Henry: oh, today is Saint Crispin’s day. Henry leaves the tent to a bloody and horrible battle going on outside. FIN |
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