The Clunkline Clunks Its Last

As acting grand poobah of Clunkline I hereby call that the last clunk has been clunked. Thank you readers for your support and writers for your content. Thanks for the laughter and thanks for the memories.

Clint Eastwood said it best

Some times, there are just people who you know are going to do some things or be there, and when destiny calls, maybe someone will pick up the phone. …I’m sorry, Barack Obama, but I don’t even much like farm animals, especially donkeys, I don’t know why you’d suggest that I kiss one. You’re so crazy, Barack Obama.
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Tanzmetall Institute of Technology and Such

Recently Clunkline reporter nom de pomme sat down with Tanzmetall who has established an institution of higher education at his new bunker-house in Los Angeles, CA.

Nom de pomme: So tell me about your new project.

Tanzmetal: Well I have set up my guest room as a University. Degree mill & everything.

NDP: Would I be able to pay an unreasonable fee to attend your institution of higher learning?

T: It would be so incredibly unreasonable.

NDP: Interesting…

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Cheeseburgers Invade China, Kill All Butts

CHINA

Cheeseburgers have invaded, ruthlessly killing all butts in the area. Not a single butt is left alive as of press time. People are starting to wonder how they will go poo now that they have eaten all the cheeseburgers, which were apparently just as delicious as non-murderous sandwiches.

Also, a number of cows have been set free in the streets of Beijing, perhaps a hundred thousand head or more. They also lack butts and might explode if they keep eating grass.

Kill Death 4: Capital Gunishment by Norm D. Apple

Exterior, coastal fortress in Bolivia, twilight. Guards dressed in plain clothes patrol along the high walkways and exterior walls of the old Spanish fort. Inside, there are tarps covering cargo platforms, jeeps with machine guns moving about, and a few well-dressed men discussing something on the balcony of a luxurious manor home. Some of the soldiers are opening boxes marked EXPLOSIVE AMMUNITION and distributing the contents.

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Book Review: “The Bible 2″

Centuries after famed author “God” released his international best seller “The Bible,” the Clunkline Book Review has finally gotten a peak at its long awaited follow up, “The Bible 2: Reloaded.” But despite the author’s claims that it would be “even biblier” than the original, does it really live up to the hype? Well, not completely, but still worth a read.

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Pleasing to be your acquiescence, sir

How wonderful to finally reach you! We have been trying for ages, for you see, the late Queen of England had designated you among her heirs, specifically bequeathing you the Tower of London. She knows of your fascination with places of historical interest, and noted that she could think of no one better equipped to take care of our beloved landmark than yourself.

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Tales of The Terror Man: It Began In A Rather Scary Manner

The story of the Terror Man began many years ago in a suburb not altogether unlike this one. You were sitting in your room (wait, what are you – ) when all of a sudden the TERROR MAN WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!

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How do I tell if I have a concussion? (space petal edition)

The first sign of a concussion is usually the onset of sudden unexpected telekinesis. This telekinesis will often begin manifesting in short bursts of unconscious control over many elements and bouts of force, which may become dangerously conscious at any time. In extreme cases, this unrestrained psychic ability can lead to the forming of unlicensed, unstabilized hiveminds which recognize other beauties beyond the four dictated by Charon.

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How to Program Like a Real Man

When I’m not looking for love online, I actually do have a real job as a programmer. But not just any programmer– I like to take it to the EXTREME! The fact is, lots of people can write code. Only a select few can take it to the next level: Manly C++. Manly C++ is so epic, it literally makes some compilers explode. As the inventor and sole user of Manly C++, I’m about to share some of my secrets with you, the wimpy pathetic developer. Do you think you have what it takes?

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If you can’t beat ‘em…

…Their defenses may be too strong. Try magic attacks. Also fire. It may be able to beat their regeneration. Seriously though, you probably shouldn’t have used ATK as your dump stat.

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The Greatest Movie Pitch in History

Quick, name five of the most awesome movies you can think of off the top of your head. If you’re anything like me, then four of your choices will have Jason Statham in them (the fifth is a movie where a small thai man beats up the entire world). But what if those movies are off the table? You’d have to select your five from the world’s number one source of non-Jason-Statham-related awesomeness– the Syfy channel.

But for all the entertainment they’ve provided me over the years, not once have I ever given anything back… until now.

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The Clunktank is Empty, Again

Crap, they’re right behind us! Fill up the boiler with more wood chips!

I’m trying but its kind of hard with you poking me in the back of the head with that stick.

What are you trying to say, my methods are detrimental to team morale and the performance of the boiler?

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Shitsnackers to be imported from Germany

Ever get tired of regular food? Try shitsnackers! A delicious, creamy blend of ingredients! Our patented process is unknown to the general public!

Endorsed by International Assgrabbers Anonymous who remind you that your hat looks funny.

Move

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