Centuries after famed author “God” released his international best seller “The Bible,” the Clunkline Book Review has finally gotten a peak at its long awaited follow up, “The Bible 2: Reloaded.” But despite the author’s claims that it would be “even biblier” than the original, does it really live up to the hype? Well, not completely, but still worth a read.
The new Holy Text definitely starts off strong– I particularly enjoyed the book of Randall, in which the Lord unveils fifteen all new commandments. Granted, it feels like a few of them were added just to bring the total up to a nice even 25. I wonder if, for example, commandment 17 (“Thou shalt listen to more Skynyrd, because the Lord really digs them”) really necessary. Still, the majority of the verses are pretty solid, and I can see it becoming popular in liturgical readings for years to come. The same can be said of the book of Larry, which helps clarify God’s positions on a few political issues. For one thing, we find out why Leviticus wrote those nasty things about gay people (spoiler alert: he was just jealous that they were all better at dancing than he was).
Unfortunately, I kind of felt like the Lord really saved his best ideas for the beginning and ending, with most of the chapters in the middle being rather slow and uneventful. We do get to see the return of quite a few favorite characters from the original, but most of the appearances seem a bit forced and unnecessary. Samson, for example, only shows up for a brief cameo in a few chapters of the book of Explosions to help out in Jesus’ fight against Sub Zero. Meanwhile, John the Baptist spends a good chunk of the time wandering around the desert searching for a bunch of magical macguffins, which don’t even end up being all that important to the story. The worst offender by far, though, is the second book of Numbers, in which Jesus decides to see if he can count to ten thousand. I don’t think I’m really giving anything away by saying that he does.
Still, there are a few gems tucked away in there. The book of Jerry has a fantastic twist ending that God claims even He didn’t see coming. And the book of Awesome, which comes in at the very end, is a great finale to the whole series. I know a lot of fans, including myself, were excited about the prospect of a Jesus/Moses team up, and thankfully the new Bible delivers. Most of the finale is devoted to an epic battle sequence in which they– along with Solomon, Elijah, St. Paul, and a few others– team up to save the earth from a horde of invading dinosaur ninjas. It’s a great way to end the series, and I hope the movie version is able to capture the drama as perfectly as the book does.
All in all, despite a few missteps, I really liked “The Bible 2.” It clears up a lot of the questions raised by the original, and even makes room for a few genuinely funny moments– something that the first Bible was sorely lacking in. Don’t expect a masterpiece, but if you’re looking for a solid addition to your summer reading list, you can certainly do a lot worse.
How wonderful to finally reach you! We have been trying for ages, for you see, the late Queen of England had designated you among her heirs, specifically bequeathing you the Tower of London. She knows of your fascination with places of historical interest, and noted that she could think of no one better equipped to take care of our beloved landmark than yourself.
The story of the Terror Man began many years ago in a suburb not altogether unlike this one. You were sitting in your room (wait, what are you – ) when all of a sudden the TERROR MAN WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!
The first sign of a concussion is usually the onset of sudden unexpected telekinesis. This telekinesis will often begin manifesting in short bursts of unconscious control over many elements and bouts of force, which may become dangerously conscious at any time. In extreme cases, this unrestrained psychic ability can lead to the forming of unlicensed, unstabilized hiveminds which recognize other beauties beyond the four dictated by Charon.
When I’m not looking for love online, I actually do have a real job as a programmer. But not just any programmer– I like to take it to the EXTREME! The fact is, lots of people can write code. Only a select few can take it to the next level: Manly C++. Manly C++ is so epic, it literally makes some compilers explode. As the inventor and sole user of Manly C++, I’m about to share some of my secrets with you, the wimpy pathetic developer. Do you think you have what it takes?
…Their defenses may be too strong. Try magic attacks. Also fire. It may be able to beat their regeneration. Seriously though, you probably shouldn’t have used ATK as your dump stat.
Quick, name five of the most awesome movies you can think of off the top of your head. If you’re anything like me, then four of your choices will have Jason Statham in them (the fifth is a movie where a small thai man beats up the entire world). But what if those movies are off the table? You’d have to select your five from the world’s number one source of non-Jason-Statham-related awesomeness– the Syfy channel.
But for all the entertainment they’ve provided me over the years, not once have I ever given anything back… until now.
On this day in history, 1949, the Challengeburg Titan made her maiden (and only) voyage* approximately one eighth of the way to the moon. The takeoff and initial ascent went remarkably smoothly, which is quite a miracle, really, when we realize that the Titan was a mammoth boat strapped to the side of a skyward-facing dirigible powered by rockets. Moreover, it was the largest such rocket-powered boat-strapped-to-a-dirigible that had ever been built.
Here at Clunkline, we believe that journalistic integrity is a thing that exists and that people do sometimes. Although we always make an effort to bring you the most accurate information that we can completely make up, sometimes mistakes do slip through, particularly when FooTay has ingested too much NyQuil and/or just isn’t paying attention (which is always). Here, then, are corrections for some of the articles we’ve posted over the past year.
That’s certainly not how I remember the Muffin Wars. Increased yeast levels in the water table indeed… Honestly, de Pomme, I think you were just trying to get a rise out of us.
My favorite part of the Muffin Wars was when Muffin Darth Vader said to Muffin Luke Skywalker, “You’re muffin without me!” and Luke replied, “That part of my past is dead and blueberried. You’re a nut, the banana of my existence!” And then the fleet of alien bagels began to invade and they had to work together to rescue MDV’s daughter from an office building like in Muffin Die Hard.
I am Russdocus, chronicler of the expedition to explore the extents of the realm of Oleg.
Thence in a year of which is unrecorded as we lost our only calendar to a Turk most clever, there set upon the snow-trail our party of ten to map the great wildernesses and with the secret goal of obtaining a wolly-mammoth for the grand prince.
We consider it a success that our server is still spinning after the global muffin wars. It is to be left to the new chroniclers as to whether our work will perpetuate through the post-muffin ages. For many of us, visions of old new york being consumed by billions of tons of expanding banana nut dough will be hard to forget, and we are cursed with the destruction of photography as a means of documentation for future generations. We will have to rely on verbal sagas and crude charcoal drawings on tanned raccoon hide. Luckily, the increased yeast levels in the water table makes the raccoons multiply pretty quickly.
In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet.
We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through!
