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SPECIAL SUPER SANDALOUS SUMMER CLUNKER SANDAL ISSUE

Sgt. Earth — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 04:50:20 +0000

Spring Break is over, but the SUPER PRIVATE times continue down on Gulf beaches as the Almost Naked Volleyball Championships get underway. And sometimes the co-ed teams wear SANDALS!!

“SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches. “You can even wear them over boots and that is even SEXYer than not wearing boots. SANDALS are so hottttt, they sometimes put me on fire.” FIVE Ts is how hottttt SANDALS are.

“I just love to watch the young co-eds jump around in their SANDALS,” said University of DuBois sophomore design major Richard Mules. “Because SANDALS have all the excitement of a natural disaster with none of the senseless deaths. Hooray for SANDALS!”

However, more conservative voices would call the SANDALS an AFFRONT TO VALUES. “I don’t see how you can call SANDAL-WEARING in the beach sunshine a sport,” said Carlow College music major Jañez Espadrilles. “It makes me sad inside and want to wither up near the cold clear water.” MORALS.

“According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a DYNAMO is a generator, especially one for producing direct current, or a person who is also like this,” says purchasing manager Oto Tatami. “It is this that defines the administration, it is good that nothing is any good with SANDALS.”

This article was originally published in readme’s Annual Sandal Issue, which is a joke on the Tartan’s Annual Scandal Issue, which is a joke on that time the Tartan did a thing with a thing. See, the Tartan can be funny sometimes!

Protesters Protest Protester Protests

Hedge — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 03:32:01 +0000

On Capitol Hill today there were quite a few unhappy people parading around in three distinct groups. The first to show up were the protesters, unhappy about the job congress was doing and intent to say something about it. Second, about an hour later, protesters arrived to protest the protesters, claiming they were nutjobs and shouldn’t bother our hardworking representatives during their already stressful workday. The final group to descend upon Capitol Hill also consisted of protesters, these protesting the protesters protesting the protesters who were protesting congress.

Each of these masses were more than willing to share their viewpoint. Ed Sigman, a middle-aged white male whose hairline had receded like the ebbing tide, was part of the initial group. “I don’t really get that third bunch of folks”, he says. “If they’re protesting people protesting protesters, aren’t they protesting against themselves? I might just round up some of my guys and start protesting their hypocrisy if they stick around for too much longer.” Another surprisingly similarly shaped man whose name I simply forgot had this to say. “We don’t know if they support what we support, but I’m glad they support us supporting what we support.” He subsequently collapsed under his own weight.

Aniva Stewart of Nebraska was the leader of the second set to arrive. “We think these media-brainwashed old farts should go back to their rocking chairs.” claimed the college student. “If they’re going to yell at our congressmen, we’re just going to yell at them. And personally I don’t mind those people yelling at us; by the transitive property of noise they’re yelling at the geezers too.”

The final protesters were very to the point about why they were there. “We have a right to protest, ya know? So why should people be taking a stance against a right given to us by the great Lord Washington and his band of Classy Men? Without his great wisdom and midget brigade, where would the country be? It sure wouldn’t be in North Americaland, that’s for sure. Certainly, we’d be some island, probably floating around Japan, leering at their scandalously clad cats with great envy while our felines wore petticoats. That’s where we’d be, let me tell you!” At this junction in our conversation, someone pointed a remote control at him and hit the mute button.

Will we be seeing these groups back tomorrow? “Probably not,” says Sigman. “I could only afford the hotel for one night, so I’m heading out tomorrow morning. But I know we got our message across.” Message received, loud and clear.

An Interview with Zacchaeus Affleck, Mafia Actuary

shellapanic — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 23:13:37 +0000

In light of tax day and the recent economic recession, Clunkline presents a special report on one area of the economy that is booming—usury. Why pay 200% APR on a reputable payday loan or even 25% on a credit card payment when you could pay 24.99% to get a loan from Tony Soprano?

And why not? You’re good for it… aren’t you? AREN’T YOU!?!?!?!

With the recent credit crisis, it’s become harder and harder for middle class Americans to meet the demanding credit qualifications required by most banks. Fortunately, organized crime has stepped in to fill the liquidity gap. If you’re willing to pay every week, in person, in cash, the Don is willing to make your American dream come true.

But it’s not all just gumdrops, rainbows, and horse heads in the super-secret world of shylocking. There’s real business involved. To find out how the mob manages to keep their rates so low, Clunkline presents an exclusive interview with Zacchaeus Affleck, Mafia Actuary.

Clunkline: So, Mr. Affleck, how does the mob keep rates so low?

Z.A.: We’ll were really just like any other good business—we manage risk. We keep the chance of default low and pass the savings on to you.

Clunkline: I see. So you have probability tables and stuff like that?

Z.A.: Yeah, there’s a lot of math. For example, say I loan you 500 bucks and there’s a 10% chance that you can’t pay me back. Then, there’s a 100% percent chance that Vinnie breaks your fucking kneecaps. Thus, P(You Pay Up | You Can’t Walk) > 98.7%. Factoring in the fixed cost of the hit (rope, baseball bat, renting the back room of Donatello’s bistro, etc.), we feel we’re still well covered at a lower rate than the bank can offer. I can show you a graph if this all isn’t clear.

Clunkline: Yikes! You guys really know how to manage risk.

Z.A.: Let me finish. Note that, 1 – P(¬You Pay Up | You Can’t Walk) = P(You Sleep with the Fishes). Concrete’s cheap these days; I don’t even bother factoring it into the calculation. All in all, it’s way more economical than burning down your parents’ house, what with the price of gas and all.

Clunkline: So you really value the loans like you would insurance.

Z.A.: We like to call it “protection.”

Clunkline: Okay, “protection” it is, then. This has all been really enlightening for our readership. Do you have any funny Mafia actuarial stories to tell me before I get going?

Z.A.: Oh yeah, tons. Just last month there was this guy who owed his bookie something like $5000. We did him a “favor,” like we like to do.

Clunkline: And what’s funny about that?

Z.A.: He missed two payments, so…

Clunkline: So?

Z.A.: We…

Clunkline: ?

Z.A.: Killed his whole family! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What a riot. Good times.

Clunkline: Seriously?

Z.A.: You callin’ me a liar?

Clunkline: No, sir. That’s just such a really funny story that I couldn’t believe it really happened. Really.

Z.A.: You’re damn skippy. Wanna hear another?

Clunkline: Umm… maybe some other time… well, it sounds like you’re really doing a great service for the community. I think I need to be going now.

Z.A.: Don’t go.

Clunkline: I know you’re very busy, Mr. Affleck.

Z.A.: Never too busy to help out a friend in need. I hear that website of yours hasn’t been making much ad revenue. We could help with that.

Clunkline: Well, I like to stay out of the business side.

Z.A.: Everything’s business when you’re family!

Clunkline: When you put it that way…

Z.A.: That’s right, Clunkline, stay a while… I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse…

Fesus Christ

Burpen — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 18:57:43 +0000

As the result of an alleged miracle, the likeness of Jesus Christ has been found in a pile of dog feces in the heart of the Vatican.

According to the Holy See, a stray dog wandered into the Basilica of St. John Lateran sometime last Thursday. The dog apparently then managed to get into a storeroom filled with communion wafers, upon which it gorged itself.

The next morning during mass, a pile of the dog’s feces was discovered under one of the pews.

But this is no ordinary mound of feces, Pope Benedict XVI claims. His Holiness says the image of Jesus is clearly evident within it, and the halo, a faint ring of light yellow-brown feces, is also quite visible.

The following day, church officials held a mass and vigil dedicated to the feces, which Pope Benedict dubbed Fesus Christ. Donations toward a permanent display enclosure for Fesus Christ are currently being accepted by the Vatican.

Twitter Launches Sister Site, “Shitter”

Burpen — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 05:44:20 +0000

Twitter’s new side project, Shitter.com, recently went live. The new site was aimed for the “likes to microblog about pooping” demographic of Twitter users.

In a press release last Thursday, Twitter said Shitter “would be lucky” if “even two or three” users sign up over the next year.

Shitter has already secured advertising bids from Fiber One, Ex-Lax, and Pepto-Bismol.

Update: We found some Shitter profiles that participated in beta testing last year. Evidently the beta testers favored the Bristol Stool Scale as a means of conveying insight into their respective defecation experiences while staying below the 140-character limit. Here are some screenshots.