Only nineteen minutes into the flight, however, the Titan’s chief engineer reported that instrument readings were showing an unexpected decrease in acceleration. These readings were initially dismissed by the captain as being due to instrument malfunction, until the first mate looked outside and confirmed it. By this point, the chief engineer reported that the engines had shut off and the ship was actually falling, so the captain gave the order to evacuate. Fortunately, the Titan was well supplied with lifeboats, so all of the ship’s 307 crewmembers and 2,417 passengers (consisting mostly of rich moonbound vacationers and the occasional impoverished tragic hero) were able to evacuate safely. The orchestra evacuated last on an experimental glider powered by ragtime and irony.

Initial reports attributed the sudden altitude deficiency to a number of causes. Observers suggested that perhaps they hit a spaceberg, or the envelope might have been struck by space lightning… or perhaps there was even sabotage. However, further study showed that a bird pecked a hole in it, which shouldn’t have been a problem as each compartment was designed to withstand the rupture or sudden catastrophic depressurization without damage to the overall vehicle, but it was a rather large hole.

Despite the tragedy, President Truman stated his intention to move forward with the repurposing-our-airship-fleet-for-space-travel program. Fast forward to today, with the U.S.S. Unbearable Hubris is set to launch early next year, the first space dirigible-boat powered by dissolving black holes into strangelets using endlessly self-replicating nanomachines and then burning them. Early reports yielded troubling proclivities toward engine malfunction and sudden loss of all power, fuel, and bathroom facilities, but an interdisciplinary team of experts from the sciences of space aeronautics have reviewed these materials and declared that, “It’s probably nothing.”

We can only pray that they will not have cause to rue their words.

———————- *Tragically, she died a virgin.

– For the cake recipe posted on October 10th, the third ingredient should be listed as “eggs,” and not “ashes of dead grandparents”

– Our article on pony maintenance on March 27th incorrectly listed Ronald C. James of Westbury NY as the antichrist when, in fact, he is merely an unpleasant person.

– The June 3rd guide to proper lumberjack technique accidentally reversed the instructions “Turn chainsaw off” and “firmly grasp chainsaw blade in hand.”

– We quoted reliable sources to bring you the news that the world will end in 2012. Unfortunately, we were incorrect. Even more reliable sources indicate that it actually already ended, in 1723.

– Our article, “Top Terrorist Targets for This Fall” was wrong when it identified a local bowling alley and a neighboring bean-bag factory as a top terrorist target that was sure not to last the year. However, we didn’t remain wrong for long, since our loyal terrorist readers were looking for something to do anyway.

– In our article on coal-fired power plants, we accidentally said that building new coal plants was not incredibly stupid. This is not true. Building new coal-fired power plants is incredibly stupid.

(Interestingly, however, coal-fired power plant-fired power plants are incredibly efficient and enormous.)

– In a May 2011 article about bitches, we incorrectly identified your mother as a filthy whore. We apologize for our inattention to detail. She is a filthy stinking whore.

In what is being hailed as a modern medical miracle, doctors and researchers at the Mayo clinic have reported that an NSF funded project has produced the first sentient, talking ass of a woman in human history.

“This is truly a marvel to behold” said Dr. Rodson, chief architect of the ‘Talkin Ass’ as it has been affectionately dubbed. “It marks a huge milestone in talking ass technology”

In the chambers of the female test subject Janet Halbruth, who wished to remain anonymous, the ass was heard speaking to the researchers about the weather and other smalltalk.

Researchers were unable to provide any sort of intellectual merit argument or broader impacts discussion when prompted.

“Republican voters are looking for a leader who is not only dangerously unstable, but also completely inept and unqualified to be in charge of a potluck dinner, let alone an entire country.” Explained political pundit Richard Horstman. “Newt’s articulate public speaking and actual familiarity with foreign policy are going to be a huge hindrance in the coming months, he’ll have to show just how stupid he can really be.”

Early in his campaign, Gingrich was already working to offset some of his previous mishaps– such as his successful bi-partisan agreements with Bill Clinton over welfare reform and balancing the budget in the mid-nineties– by making hyperbolic polarizing statements about the Democrats and incurring a six-figure debt to Tiffany’s jewelers. But according to some analysts, this won’t be nearly enough.

“So far, nothing we’ve seen compares to what other candidates have said or done,” said Hortsman.

However, some of Gingrich’s campaign staff disagree with this assessment, pointing out that as early as 1995, Newt complained about sitting in the back of Air Force One, and was fined $300,000 for ethical wrongdoing in 1997.

Gingrich says he hopes to solidify his lead by answering a simple domestic policy question with a rambling response consisting entirely of the syllable “buh,” then killing and eating an entire live walrus on national television later this week.

The experiments were started as a hobby to detract from the frozen winter cold, said Mazinski. And now for thee second paragraph I will put in something, “that’s not my goat!” that appears to have to do with the title and then I will continue talking to you, the loyal reader. At this point I will simply replace the text of this narrative with verse from the aneid in order to make this look longer. All were attentive to the godlike man, when from his lofty couch he thus began great queen, what you command me to relate renews the sad remembrance of our fate an empire from its old foundations rent, and every woe the trojans underwent, a peopled city made a desert place, all that I saw, and part of which I as not even the hardest of our foes could hear, nor stern ulysses tell without a tear. Questions, however, were raised about the methods to create the explosive effect.

“You see, the goats were made to blow up by adding dynamite”, said Mazinski. Sorry if the start to this paragraph is strange but it has to look like its part of the story. If you are reading this still, please send a text to seven two four three zero nine five four three zero with the phrase balloon fetish in it so I know. “Believe it or not, there may be some usefulness for this sort of exploding livestock” mentioned Russian interior minister Georg Mendevich.

“The quantities of goats needed prompted the creation of a factory” Mendevich went to explain. “Simple domestic goat-explosification would not do” Russian scientists praised the efforts and noted the economic impacts possible. This last part has to be more blended in. I think I have been bugged but I’m not sure. This article isn’t safe anymore. “From here the uses are literally endless and I think it will be a new era in the field of livestock detonation research.”