On Capitol Hill today there were quite a few unhappy people parading around in three distinct groups. The first to show up were the protesters, unhappy about the job congress was doing and intent to say something about it. Second, about an hour later, protesters arrived to protest the protesters, claiming they were nutjobs and shouldn’t bother our hardworking representatives during their already stressful workday. The final group to descend upon Capitol Hill also consisted of protesters, these protesting the protesters protesting the protesters who were protesting congress.
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In light of tax day and the recent economic recession, Clunkline presents a special report on one area of the economy that is booming—usury. Why pay 200% APR on a reputable payday loan or even 25% on a credit card payment when you could pay 24.99% to get a loan from Tony Soprano? And why not? You’re good for it… aren’t you? AREN’T YOU!?!?!?!
Twitter’s new side project, Shitter.com, recently went live. The new site was aimed for the “likes to microblog about pooping” demographic of Twitter users. In a press release last Thursday, Twitter said Shitter “would be lucky” if “even two or three” users sign up over the next year. Shitter has already secured advertising bids from Fiber One, Ex-Lax, and Pepto-Bismol. INNER ATLANTA In a coming together of cultures, several representatives from the American hip hop community including Jay-Z, Lil John, and Michael Steele, met with many local first generation Chinese immigrant shopkeeps and buffeteers to endorse their favorite website, Crunkrine. We accept, gentlemen. Thank you! Two security scares this weekend led to panic and paranoia among the citizens of Detroit, the center of American industry and culture that the terrorists had wisely targeted. This attempt to destroy a city that the rest of the country looks up to in awe is basically the terrorists’ way of saying, “Merry Christmas, America.” Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour. “We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!” In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax. “Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference. Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples. “What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!” |
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