I’m trying but its kind of hard with you poking me in the back of the head with that stick.

What are you trying to say, my methods are detrimental to team morale and the performance of the boiler? Yes and I don’t know but probably also yes. This boiler is keeping us all alive.

We all know that.

Well I think you don’t because it is seriously the only working engine in this part of the country right now. Everyone else is walking.

Well, I saw someone with a donkey a ways back.

Yeah but then you shot the donkey!

Well it was my last bullet anyway.

How does that make it better?

Listen you I’m the ranking crew member of this boilorry and what I say goes.

Well that’s fine you can just take it up with those fellas on bicycles chasing us. The boiler pressure is down to 2 bar.

Crank the manual pressure pump!

Listen, we’ve been over this before. Your so-called manual pressure pump is just a piece of timing chain connected to an air compressor that we turn with our hands and a pulley. But if we just attached that same assembly to the transmission we could gain mechanical advantage over pushing this damn thing and not lose our energy due to the second law of thermodynamics!

Nope, crank the pump.

We’ll we’re surrounded anyway.

Whatever I hate you.

Endorsed by International Assgrabbers Anonymous who remind you that your hat looks funny.

Only nineteen minutes into the flight, however, the Titan’s chief engineer reported that instrument readings were showing an unexpected decrease in acceleration. These readings were initially dismissed by the captain as being due to instrument malfunction, until the first mate looked outside and confirmed it. By this point, the chief engineer reported that the engines had shut off and the ship was actually falling, so the captain gave the order to evacuate. Fortunately, the Titan was well supplied with lifeboats, so all of the ship’s 307 crewmembers and 2,417 passengers (consisting mostly of rich moonbound vacationers and the occasional impoverished tragic hero) were able to evacuate safely. The orchestra evacuated last on an experimental glider powered by ragtime and irony.

Initial reports attributed the sudden altitude deficiency to a number of causes. Observers suggested that perhaps they hit a spaceberg, or the envelope might have been struck by space lightning… or perhaps there was even sabotage. However, further study showed that a bird pecked a hole in it, which shouldn’t have been a problem as each compartment was designed to withstand the rupture or sudden catastrophic depressurization without damage to the overall vehicle, but it was a rather large hole.

Despite the tragedy, President Truman stated his intention to move forward with the repurposing-our-airship-fleet-for-space-travel program. Fast forward to today, with the U.S.S. Unbearable Hubris is set to launch early next year, the first space dirigible-boat powered by dissolving black holes into strangelets using endlessly self-replicating nanomachines and then burning them. Early reports yielded troubling proclivities toward engine malfunction and sudden loss of all power, fuel, and bathroom facilities, but an interdisciplinary team of experts from the sciences of space aeronautics have reviewed these materials and declared that, “It’s probably nothing.”

We can only pray that they will not have cause to rue their words.

———————- *Tragically, she died a virgin.

– For the cake recipe posted on October 10th, the third ingredient should be listed as “eggs,” and not “ashes of dead grandparents”

– Our article on pony maintenance on March 27th incorrectly listed Ronald C. James of Westbury NY as the antichrist when, in fact, he is merely an unpleasant person.

– The June 3rd guide to proper lumberjack technique accidentally reversed the instructions “Turn chainsaw off” and “firmly grasp chainsaw blade in hand.”

– We quoted reliable sources to bring you the news that the world will end in 2012. Unfortunately, we were incorrect. Even more reliable sources indicate that it actually already ended, in 1723.

– Our article, “Top Terrorist Targets for This Fall” was wrong when it identified a local bowling alley and a neighboring bean-bag factory as a top terrorist target that was sure not to last the year. However, we didn’t remain wrong for long, since our loyal terrorist readers were looking for something to do anyway.

– In our article on coal-fired power plants, we accidentally said that building new coal plants was not incredibly stupid. This is not true. Building new coal-fired power plants is incredibly stupid.

(Interestingly, however, coal-fired power plant-fired power plants are incredibly efficient and enormous.)

– In a May 2011 article about bitches, we incorrectly identified your mother as a filthy whore. We apologize for our inattention to detail. She is a filthy stinking whore.