At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out!
I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go?
-Speechless in Sioux Falls
Dear Speechless,
What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!
Tanzmetall: “I like to go to my fridge, not want to eat anything, wander back to my bed, and feel sorry for myself.”
Grabass_Champion: “I like to take Excedrin because I wake up feeling better than good. Better than Jesus. It works for hangovers too. Maybe it’s because I typically take it with cocaine.”
In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*
*Taste buds cannot be tightened.
Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.
Cheesecake
Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.
Thanks for buying another fine product from NDP&T Enterprises. This is by far the most complete and effective kit available without a prescription. Please take a few last moments to read the instructions thoroughly, or else you may hurt yourself.
First, check your box to make sure that all the components are included:
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
I like putting down other people’s music. It’s a little hobby of mine, right up there with killing homeless people for sport. People sometimes ask me “Dude, could you stop being such a bitch?” which I assume means “Dude, how can I become as well-versed and musically cultured as you are?” Fact is, one cannot simply turn up one’s nose at any band that more than twelve people have heard of and call it a day. It took me years to master the subtleties and nuances in order to reach the level of elitism that I now enjoy.
Cellphones have revolutionized our lives. They’ve made instantaneous voice contact to anyone else in the world with a similar device and near some semblance of civilization possible. They’ve partially invalidated expensive and complicated wired infrastructure. They’ve even allowed us to ignore any situation by talking to someone who isn’t even there rather than being active participants in our own lives.
However, as with any technology sprung so quickly on the public, some people just don’t do it right. Holding one’s cellphone in a logical way has become a very confusing task indeed to some folks.
With the metal archives currently listing tens of thousands of official metal bands, you would think that all the good names would be taken by now. Not true! Coming up with new band names is easy; just pick a genre and follow the given template:
Death Metal: Random Latin Phrase OR name of a disease. Examples: Eo Ipso, Catalepsy, Myxedema, Semper Instans
