How to Program Like a Real Man

When I’m not looking for love online, I actually do have a real job as a programmer. But not just any programmer– I like to take it to the EXTREME! The fact is, lots of people can write code. Only a select few can take it to the next level: Manly C++. Manly C++ is so epic, it literally makes some compilers explode. As the inventor and sole user of Manly C++, I’m about to share some of my secrets with you, the wimpy pathetic developer. Do you think you have what it takes?

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How to Cook Salmon in 10 Easy Steps

So you bought some salmon thinking, “Gee, I’ve had good salmon out in restaurants, I’d bet I can make it at home for so much cheaper!” But then it dawns on you: I have no idea how to cook salmon. Here’s your step by step guide to making the perfect salmon entree, provided for free courtesy of your good friend Hedge.

Step 1: Search online for how to cook salmon

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Ask Tyler

Dear Tyler,

At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out!

I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go?

-Speechless in Sioux Falls

Dear Speechless,

What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!


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How to Make Strong Beans:

Step 1. Don’t.

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How To Tell The Future Using A Microwave

You will need:
A can of tomato soup
A bowl
A clean microwave (dirty microwaves can contaminate the results)

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What do You Do when You Get Migraines?

In loving memory of doctor_subtle.

Tanzmetall: “I like to go to my fridge, not want to eat anything, wander back to my bed, and feel sorry for myself.”

Grabass_Champion: “I like to take Excedrin because I wake up feeling better than good. Better than Jesus. It works for hangovers too. Maybe it’s because I typically take it with cocaine.”

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How To Instantly Annoy Tanzmetall In Six Easy Steps

Step 1 (Note: adjust volume dial to maximum)

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Tanzmetall's Recessipes

In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*

*Taste buds cannot be tightened.

Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.


Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.


1 Oreo crust
2 packs ValuTime® American cheese

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Nom de Pomme's and Tanzmetall's Ritual Suicide Kit and Instructional Guidebook

Dear customer,

Thanks for buying another fine product from NDP&T Enterprises. This is by far the most complete and effective kit available without a prescription. Please take a few last moments to read the instructions thoroughly, or else you may hurt yourself.

First, check your box to make sure that all the components are included:

1 katana
1 catapult
1 sieve
3 cups compressed Queso cheese

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Hedge's Recipes: Mountain Bull

Today we’re going to learn how to make the delicious energy drink Mountain Bull from everyday household* ingredients!


  • 2 Liter Mountain Dew
  • 8.3 oz Red Bull

*Ingredients only household if house has a gamer/caffeine addict living in it.

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Voters Solve Problems Themselves

Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.

“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”

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FURST you got to get THE BRED

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How To Be A Music Snob

I like putting down other people’s music. It’s a little hobby of mine, right up there with killing homeless people for sport. People sometimes ask me “Dude, could you stop being such a bitch?” which I assume means “Dude, how can I become as well-versed and musically cultured as you are?” Fact is, one cannot simply turn up one’s nose at any band that more than twelve people have heard of and call it a day. It took me years to master the subtleties and nuances in order to reach the level of elitism that I now enjoy.

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Describes the Article

Interesting but short hook that makes people want to know more.

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Nom de pomme's Guide to Diagrams

Hi everybody! Thanks for buying my Guide to the World, the twenty-eighth edition in the Guide series.

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