At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out!

I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go?

-Speechless in Sioux Falls

Dear Speechless,

What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

My mother has terminal breast cancer. Her doctor gave her three months.

She doesn’t want to do any chemo, she says she wants to die with dignity. I keep telling her that you can’t die with dignity, death is death. But I do wonder if I should respect her wishes. Should I back off?

Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Concerned,

Shit dies all the time, man. Like this time I ran over a woodchuck in my pickup. It made a hilarious crunchy sound. I got real hungry after that so I went and bought eight jars of Valu-Time peanut butter. I left it sitting around the house open with several jars in each room so I didn’t have to go to the kitchen just to get peanut butter. It went bad real fast but I just couldn’t stop eating it! I didn’t die from that, ha, but I never would be where I am today if that woodchuck hadn’t died.

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

My daughter got called a racial slur in school today. I had a lot of trouble explaining to her what the word meant, or why anyone would think it is a bad thing. Now I’m trying to decide whether I should call the boy’s parents–but more likely than not, he inherited the attitude from them. I just can’t figure out if it would do any good. Little help here?

Worried in Wisconsin

Hey, sup, Wisconsin dog! I have a nephew in Wisconsin. He runs a dairy farm off R42. It’s snowin, like, all the time there.

One time when I was there, I took a shit in the outhouse and it splashed back on my ass. I went back into the house and was like, man, what the fuck? Your outhouse splashed my ass with shit, man! And he was all, what outhouse, dude?

Turns out I’d eaten some bad cheese and it’d gone all psychotronic, or whatever. Hallucinated the whole trip to the outhouse! Cops said I actually crapped at a school bus stop in front of a bunch of elementary kids. Guess they learned something about potty training that day!

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

It’s mom. Where are you? Your father and I are very worried. We saw the thing on the news, and both of us want to know if it’s true. You know Frank loved that chicken.

Please call.

-Mom

Dear Mom,

Jesus H Christ I told you to stop writin me at work! God! And no, I was framed.

Gotta run, cops have my address. Oh, that reminds me, tell Frank I’m keeping the chicken.

-Tyler

Step 2. No, really, don’t. I’m only saying this out of concern for you.

Step 3. Well, all right…. start out with some regular beans, not too much. Whole, canned beans will do nicely. I used great northern beans, mostly because they sounded dramatic and reminded me of both The Polar Express and His Dark Materials. I’m making only a single serving for now. Boil them in not too much water, maybe about a cup.

Step 4. Add salt.

Step 5. The beans might not be salty enough. Add soy sauce! This stuff is “low sodium,” so use extra.

Step 6. This is sort of turning into beans-in-a-broth. I’ll add some brown rice miso to up the broth factor. Plus, miso’s salty, and salt is good, right?

Step 7. These beans aren’t tender enough, but the broth has boiled down into a sludge. Add more water.

Step 8. Add spices. Let’s pick one I haven’t used recently to “spice” things up a bit, ahem. …Oh, how about anise? Here, I’ll just sprinkle some in, and… oh. I thought this container had one of those inside lids, the kind that has holes and lets you delicately sprinkle in just the right amount, but no. I may have just accidentally dumped half a tablespoon of anise into my roughly half cup of beans. Oh well, at least my breath will be fresh…

Step 9. What the hey, let’s add some capers. They’re a pretty potent flavor (and notably rather salty), so a tablespoon ought to do it. Oh, and it looks like the broth has turned into sludge again. Thick sauces are good sometimes, so let’s leave it be.

Step 10. Congratulations! You have just prepared some of the saltiest beans you’ve ever eaten. Wow, and that anise. Wow. Anise and salt, together at last. This is well-nigh inedible… I need some water. At least the beans are tender.

What to do: Empty the soup into the bowl, and microwave UN-COVERED on high for at least three minutes. When finished, the resulting splatter marks on the inside of the microwave can be read like a timeline of future events, if you know how to interpret them…

Grabass_Champion: “I like to take Excedrin because I wake up feeling better than good. Better than Jesus. It works for hangovers too. Maybe it’s because I typically take it with cocaine.”

Burpen: “I like to blast music and disco under strobe lights.”

j_wilkin: “I like to rob banks. What? No, not when I have a migraine–just in general.”

Step 2*

Step 3*

Step 4*

Step 5

Step 6 Repeat step 5 until desired annoyance level is reached.

*Alternatively, steps 2-4 can be accomplished by licking one’s fingertip and pressing it to the naked “DJ” button contact next to the keypad.