Lesson 1: Profanity

The first thing you need to know about Manly C++ is that “true” and “false” constants are for the weak and sterile. You want anyone who looks at your code to know that you MEAN BUSINESS:

These two lines will help you turn any boolean variable into a grand declaration of manliness. Suddenly, a snippet like this doesn’t just detect lines in an image, but announces to the world, “I dare anyone to question the return value of this function!”

Lesson 2: Poor Design Decisions

Most IDE’s nowadays allow you to customize the syntax coloring of all your files. Most IDE’s also provide a default option that looks something like this:

This is perfectly fine… if you want everyone around you to urinate all over everything you do, both metaphorically and literally. Every Manly C++ user should take full advantage of his/her (okay, his) ability to make some of the worst design decisions possible. If even the creators of the ugliest website ever cry out in agony just from looking at your monitor, you know you’re on the right track:

Now THAT’S programming!

Lesson 3: Learn From the Movies

If you’re like me, then you have a rare genital mutation that makes you incapable of physical intimacy. But more importantly, you occasionally have to move files around using a linux terminal. Linux is, of course, an operating system designed to make even the simplest operations take 20 times longer than they need to, and so the simple task of copying a file from one folder to another requires a flurry of keystrokes usually not seen outside of TV crime shows.

Needless to say, this is where your mind should be whenever you have a linux terminal in front of you. Me, I’m never just “searching for a file” or anything so boring– in my imagination, I’m “FooTay: Uber-hacker extraordinaire!”

Me: “The terrorists have control of every mainframe in the country. Our only hope is to fourier transform a GUI interface to reroute the transport control protocol through an SQL injection in their firewall.” Attractive Support Character: “Can you do it?” Me: “You’re looking at the guy who hacked the NSA using only one hand.” Attractive Support Character: “What were you doing with the other hand?” Me: (Takes off sunglasses) “You don’t wanna know.” (Cue theme music)

Next week: making full use of switch statements, tail recursion, and assault weapons.

2 tbsp. lemon juice 1/4 c. packed brown sugar 4 Market Day salmon fillets 1 tbsp. butter, melted 4 thin slices lemon 8 tsp. brown sugar

Heat oven to 375 degrees. Pour lemon juice into ungreased rectangular baking dish, 11″ x 7 1/2″ x 2″; sprinkle with 1/4 cup brown sugar. Arrange fillets in dish; drizzle with butter. Bake uncovered 15 minutes; turn. Place 1 slice lemon on each salmon fillet; sprinkle with 2 teaspoons brown sugar. Bake until fish flakes easily with fork, 15 to 20 minutes longer. Serve with juices from dish.

*Content Copyright © 2011 Cooks.com

That was easy. And the recipe doesn’t sound too difficult. On to step two!

2 tbsp. lemon juice √  1/4 c. packed brown sugar √  4 Market Day salmon fillets √  1 tbsp. butter, melted 4 thin slices lemon √  8 tsp. brown sugar

Well, that’s most of it. But the lemon kind of seems important.

So I need something moisture-like to substitute the lemon juice. I guess canola oil is slippery, it should work. And then I need a lemon slice to put on top? Some of this leftover ground-up Kellogg’s Corn Flakes can work instead. It just needs to go on top while it’s cooking, I’m sure it will be fine.

Okay, getting a glass dish, pouring some oil in in, and something with brown sugar? Eh, I’ll just sprinkle some in there and see if that works. I guess it doesn’t make sense to have it below the skin. Flip it over to get some on top, rub it around a bit, that’s good enough. Melt the butter, mix in the corn flake crumbs, and spread that on top too. Now then, I don’t think it would be a good idea to turn it over partway through. Crank up the heat to 400 and check back in 10 to make sure it’s not too overdone.

Personally, I like to hum the Jeopardy Final Question theme twenty times in a row. Preferably around other people.

Wow, that actually doesn’t look that bad. Almost done, even. Not going to keep it on 400, though. I think I’ll turn it down to 325 and let the insides cook for five more minutes.

Always, ALWAYS serve your newest creations to somebody else first. If you undercooked something and just crisped the outside a bit, it’s best to know that before you eat some. Well, my dad seems to like it. I guess it’s safe to eat.

Hmm, this is actually quite good. I’m not sure how I managed that, but this is easily the best salmon I’ve had at home, whether prepared by me or someone else. I am astonished at my own awesomeness! Gold star for the day!

You have several choices here. You can go with the ‘I cooked the meal, so I don’t need to clean up.’ line, the disappearing act where you just leave the table and hide in your room for a while, or my option of having previous plans that require me to leave pretty much exactly when dinner was over. Just make sure you don’t look like you’re shirking responsibility, and you can usually get away with it.

1 or more salmon fillets 1 stick margarine, melted some brown sugar some canola oil some corn flake crumbs

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Pour canola oil into glass baking dish; sprinkle with brown sugar until it looks good. Place fillet(s) in dish skin-side up. Flip fillet(s), rub in canola oil/ brown sugar mix, adding more as needed to get full coverage.  Melt margarine in small bowl. Clean out microwave because the margarine exploded a bit. Mix in corn flake crumbs until it’s more solid than liquid. Pour evenly over the fillet(s), making sure to get some on the sides for full coverage. Bake in oven for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 for another 5 minutes. If the rest of the meal is still not done, turn off the oven leaving fillet(s) inside. When ready, take out of the oven using mitts or something to not burn yourself. Remove fillet(s) from the dish using a spatula; remove skin if desired. Serve hot.

[Author's Note: This final recipe actually works for cooking salmon, and tastes great. Some other breading may be substituted for the corn flake crumbs if desired.]

At dinner with my boyfriend yesterday, he told me that he’s been in love with my sister for the past four years. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. After a really long silence he got up and left. He didn’t even close the door on his way out!

I’m confused because I still feel like I love him. Should I go after him and try to fix things, or should I just let him go?

-Speechless in Sioux Falls

Dear Speechless,

What did you have for dinner? Was it veal? I’ve noticed that eating veal tends to really suck. For instance, my cousin Ben, he can’t hardly ever eat veal without getting the shits. Well, hope that helps!

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

My mother has terminal breast cancer. Her doctor gave her three months.

She doesn’t want to do any chemo, she says she wants to die with dignity. I keep telling her that you can’t die with dignity, death is death. But I do wonder if I should respect her wishes. Should I back off?

Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Concerned,

Shit dies all the time, man. Like this time I ran over a woodchuck in my pickup. It made a hilarious crunchy sound. I got real hungry after that so I went and bought eight jars of Valu-Time peanut butter. I left it sitting around the house open with several jars in each room so I didn’t have to go to the kitchen just to get peanut butter. It went bad real fast but I just couldn’t stop eating it! I didn’t die from that, ha, but I never would be where I am today if that woodchuck hadn’t died.

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

My daughter got called a racial slur in school today. I had a lot of trouble explaining to her what the word meant, or why anyone would think it is a bad thing. Now I’m trying to decide whether I should call the boy’s parents–but more likely than not, he inherited the attitude from them. I just can’t figure out if it would do any good. Little help here?

Worried in Wisconsin

Hey, sup, Wisconsin dog! I have a nephew in Wisconsin. He runs a dairy farm off R42. It’s snowin, like, all the time there.

One time when I was there, I took a shit in the outhouse and it splashed back on my ass. I went back into the house and was like, man, what the fuck? Your outhouse splashed my ass with shit, man! And he was all, what outhouse, dude?

Turns out I’d eaten some bad cheese and it’d gone all psychotronic, or whatever. Hallucinated the whole trip to the outhouse! Cops said I actually crapped at a school bus stop in front of a bunch of elementary kids. Guess they learned something about potty training that day!

-Tyler

Dear Tyler,

It’s mom. Where are you? Your father and I are very worried. We saw the thing on the news, and both of us want to know if it’s true. You know Frank loved that chicken.

Please call.

-Mom

Dear Mom,

Jesus H Christ I told you to stop writin me at work! God! And no, I was framed.

Gotta run, cops have my address. Oh, that reminds me, tell Frank I’m keeping the chicken.

-Tyler

Step 2. No, really, don’t. I’m only saying this out of concern for you.

Step 3. Well, all right…. start out with some regular beans, not too much. Whole, canned beans will do nicely. I used great northern beans, mostly because they sounded dramatic and reminded me of both The Polar Express and His Dark Materials. I’m making only a single serving for now. Boil them in not too much water, maybe about a cup.

Step 4. Add salt.

Step 5. The beans might not be salty enough. Add soy sauce! This stuff is “low sodium,” so use extra.

Step 6. This is sort of turning into beans-in-a-broth. I’ll add some brown rice miso to up the broth factor. Plus, miso’s salty, and salt is good, right?

Step 7. These beans aren’t tender enough, but the broth has boiled down into a sludge. Add more water.

Step 8. Add spices. Let’s pick one I haven’t used recently to “spice” things up a bit, ahem. …Oh, how about anise? Here, I’ll just sprinkle some in, and… oh. I thought this container had one of those inside lids, the kind that has holes and lets you delicately sprinkle in just the right amount, but no. I may have just accidentally dumped half a tablespoon of anise into my roughly half cup of beans. Oh well, at least my breath will be fresh…

Step 9. What the hey, let’s add some capers. They’re a pretty potent flavor (and notably rather salty), so a tablespoon ought to do it. Oh, and it looks like the broth has turned into sludge again. Thick sauces are good sometimes, so let’s leave it be.

Step 10. Congratulations! You have just prepared some of the saltiest beans you’ve ever eaten. Wow, and that anise. Wow. Anise and salt, together at last. This is well-nigh inedible… I need some water. At least the beans are tender.

What to do: Empty the soup into the bowl, and microwave UN-COVERED on high for at least three minutes. When finished, the resulting splatter marks on the inside of the microwave can be read like a timeline of future events, if you know how to interpret them…