Quick, name five of the most awesome movies you can think of off the top of your head. If you’re anything like me, then four of your choices will have Jason Statham in them (the fifth is a movie where a small thai man beats up the entire world). But what if those movies are off the table? You’d have to select your five from the world’s number one source of non-Jason-Statham-related awesomeness– the Syfy channel.
But for all the entertainment they’ve provided me over the years, not once have I ever given anything back… until now.
Since my running away from Devonshire Academy, I know you have been fraught with worry. Fear not. I have been taken in by the Raj of this land and given a great office in his government. My cloak is large and warm, and there is all the sheep I can eat. May the great pigeon I now attach this to ride the wind home to your eyes.
Yours,
Winsley Farragut, Grand Marshall of His Majesties Sheeperies
My name is Prester John and I am running for the state house of Delaware. Some of you might now me as the legendary medival king of an equally legendary medeval kingdom in India/Kazakhstan/Ethiopia. Well, those days are past and for the past 25 years my wife Carol and I have considered ourselves full fledged Delawareans.
I am writing to submit additional matériel for the position I previously applied to recently in the near past. Please review at your leisure and combine with my other qualifications in your estimation of my dedication.
You have been selected to join the Pittsburgh militia. Please report to 812 Penn avenue and bring your firearm of choice, five pounds of provisions, and three sets of moccasins. The territorial governor has mandated that all able-bodied men join in the campaign to overrun and destroy the Connecticut menace.
Consider this email to be final correspondance of amazing and prodigious employment oppertunity. For small nominal and unrefundable fee can you peddle wares of VISHNAY AND RAJI CORP on the streets of PITTSBURGH. Imagine friends and loved ones as you make use of time and create profit for all your orifices. Reply in today frame for tote complimentary. You cannot loose!
Dear Old King Coal (ha ha, I do jest, I know you are really a baron and not a king – but it is nice to pretend sometimes, isn’t it?),
Ol’ Jed Bickers here, your pal from ‘palachia. I was running some ‘speriments in my backyard laboratory, and I believe I may have just made some strides forwards in clean coal technology. Since you are basically depending on clean coal as a desperate long-shot towards the feasibility of your industry, I thought you might be mildly interested in my results.
It is the finding of the IRS that your charity, Hugs for Slugs LLC, is in violation of multiple clauses of the U.S. Tax Code. For one thing, it is not a limited liability company at all, even though LLC is a part of its name. You claim that this stands for “sLLugs Can get hugs”, but we believe you are being deliberately misleading.
Another pressing issue is that your charity does not so much provide hugs for slugs, as it launders money for the mob.
Dear Foul Wretched Spawn of Society,
I am truly sorry your precious snowflake did her absolute damnedest to be removed twice from our store by stealing, moving her lips and producing such a great wind as to knock over merchandise, and then refusing to place it back where it belongs, which I see you’ve taught her well.
Dear Sir Richard, In response to your overly enthusiastic letter detailing your invention, and with the aid of several of the local youth we found wandering our grounds, we have completed several prototypes of your proposed design. We have begun the lab testing procedure, and are almost ready to release these into the market. There are, however, a few design choices I think you should reconsider.
You call yourself a director, but I call you a FOOL. Yes, sir, a fool of the first degree! And in this case, “first” is worse than “third”: it’s like murder, not burns. Which brings up the question: if I burn you to death, what degree would the fire be?
While I do appreciate the depth in which you feel things, specifically objects, more specifically plastic phallic objects, I do not understand why you feel the need to lick them in such a manner. While I am perfectly accepting of exploring oneself, I do not see the purpose in tasting oneself. If you happen to be in a lesbian experiment, and you wish to explore the flavors of your new friend, perhaps she would find it more reasonable to go straight to the source.
