But for all the entertainment they’ve provided me over the years, not once have I ever given anything back… until now.

Unfortunately, all my efforts were wasted initially, as I got the following message back both times:

Clearly, I was going to have to try harder…

Still, though, no response. Fine then. If they don’t want my ideas, it’s their loss. I’ll keep my next awesome movie pitch to myself…

POSTSCRIPT, THAT IS TO SAY, THEY SHALL BE AWARDING ME WITH MONETARY COMPENSATION FOR MY ABILITIES AND SERVICES

*** DEAR SIR, IT IS LIKELY THE TRANSMISSION MEDIUM IS EXPERIENCING FAULTS. YOUR MESSAGE CAME THROUGH AS ‘MADE ME AN OFFER OF A SLUTPEN’ PLEASE CONFIRM

*** MESSAGE CONFIRMED *** MOST AMAZING STOP SLUTPEN VERY GOOD FOR CORRALLING SLUTS FULL STOP

PLEASE RAISE CAIRO AND INFORM OF INVASION OF 4F4EFHHFNNNSWWWW4RFREWEFFFFEFW

SORRY MY CAT WALKED ON THE TRANSMITTER-TYPESETTER

*** SIR JONATHAN CAIRO IS ASLEEP AND HAS GIVEN STRICT ORDERS THAT HE IS NOT TO BE BOTHERED EXCEPT IN THE EVENT OF HIS WIFE REPORTING HIS BABY’S FIRST WORD

*** INTERESTING IF TRUE

PLEASE RELAY PROCEEDINGS OF INTERVIEWS FOR THE ROYAL OPERA-TROPE COMPANY

*** SIR JONATHAN CAIRO HAS LEFT STRICT INSTRUCTIONS THAT HIS MACHINE IS NOT TO BE USED FOR TRANSMISSION OF REVIEWS OF ANY OPERAS WRITTEN IN THE VULGAR TONGUE

*** PERHAPS WHEN WE ARE BACK IN SPITHEAD TOGETHER YOU CAN SHOW ME THE INSTRUCTIONS AND I WILL STAND CORRECTED. UNTIL THEN BE ADVISED THE VICE RAJ REQUIRES THIS DISPATCH

** I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE ALL THESE YEARS, I HAVE BEEN MAKING UP SIR JONATHAN CAIRO HE IS NOT REAL

*** GODS WORD!

*** HIS MANIFOLD ”ORDERS” REFLECT WHAT I DO AND DO NOT FEEL INCLINED TO DO AT ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT AND NOW I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT IN A WEB OF MY LIES

*** I SHALL HAVE TO CONTACT THE FIRST LORD BY PACK-TRAIN IMMEDIATELY YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT KIND OF TRANSMITTING-TYPESETTER ARE YOU?

*** IN FACT I FABRICATED HIS ENLISTMENT PAPERS AS AN OFFICER AND HAVE BEEN PILFERING HIS SUPPOSED PAY, RATIONS, AND SLAVES AS MY OWN PM I SPEND MOST OF THE MONEY ON WHORES AND GAMBLING AND SOMETIMES I EVEN GAMBLE WHORES I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE IN THIS FASHION

*** DO YOU LET THE WHORES GAMBLE?

*** OF COURSE NOT, I AM NOT AN IRISHMAN

*** AT LEAST YOU SAVE YOURSELF THAT HUMILATION THE VICE RAJ HAS JUST SEEN THE SPOOLED PRINT OF OUR RELAY AND HAS SPIT UP HIS CURRIED LAMB IN DISGUST

*** OH DEAR MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES I HAD INTENDED FOR OUR CORRESPONDENCE TO REMAIN OF A PRIVATE CHARACTER UNTIL I HAD TIME AS TO DISCERN YOUR DISPOSITION FOR CONSPIRACY

*** THE VICE RAJ ORDERED THE TRANSMITTER BE RELOCATED FROM TELEGRAPH MOUNT TO THE THRONE HALL FOR THE SAKE OF IMPRESSION HE SEES ALL COMMUNICATION

*** IN PAYMENT FOR ELIMINATING THE THREAT OF THE VICE RAJ AND KEEPING MY SECRET, I SHALL TRADE YOU TWENTY-ONE WHORES AND SIX HUNDRED POUNDS

*** DESPITE A SIGNIFIGANT DROP IN BAUD RATE THE VICE RAJ HAS OFFERED ME DOUBLE JUST NOW TO NOT DO IT

HELLO HELLO THIS IS THE VICE RAJ HOW DO I TRANSMIT? OH JUST HIT THIS LEVER? OK AH YES THIS IS THE VICE RAJ WITH WHOM AM I TRANSMITTING?

*** UM THIS IS BOB YES

*** HELLO BOB

*** BOB ROBERTSON THIS IS NOT SIR GERALD FITZHUGHGIBBON HE IS AWAY RIGHT NOW AND IS NOT THE PERSON SENDING THIS MESSAGE

*** GOOD MR. ROBERTSON YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THE SLANDER OF SIR FITZHUGHGIBBON IS A SERIOUS OFFENCE MY TYPESETTER WAS CONVINCED YOU WERE HIM AND CONDUCTION TREASONOUS ACTS I WILL BE WILLING TO OVERLOOK THIS FOR 10% OF ALL FUTURE GAMBLING INCOME AND WHORES ARE WE UNDERSTOOD? I WILL ALSO WHIP MY TYPESETTER FOR NOT BEING MORE DISCERNING

*** …YES YOU CAN HAVE SOME MONEY I WILL GO NOW

*** VERY GOOD SEND TO 1 INDIA ST., INDIA, BRITISH EMPIRE HERE IS MY TYPESETTER AGAIN WOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT

*** LOL NOPE

*** MY LORD YOU ARE STILL ON THE KEYBOARD WHAT WHO IS THAT MY LORD WHAT PLEASE PUT DOWN THE TYPESETTINGS OH SORRY OK NOW WHAT THE HELL MAN

***

Ministry of Foreign Affairs Federal Republic of Nigeria Lagos Liaison Office 13/15 Kofo Abayomi Street, Victoria Island, G.P.O Box 1727, Lagos.

Re: An Open Letter To All Scam Victims,

Attn: Scam Victims,

We sincerely apologies for all the damages you must have gone through in the hand of Nigerian fraudsters. We are Projecting favourably the image of the government and people of Nigeria locally and internationally through a proactive mechanism (in line with global best practices) of informing, enlightening and educating Nigerians and the International Community about Nigeria.

If you have been scammed send your name and address to us via the email address stated below for verification at Western Union and MoneyGram offices and after verification if truly you have been scammed you will be reimbursed with the sum of twenty thousand dollars only. The compensation fund has already been insured and the transfer charges have been paid by the Federal Government of Nigeria to avoid unnecessary deduction from the fund. Please note that we have never held any scam victims compensation programme in Nigeria. This is the First-Of-Its-Kind.

This email address is set up for this compensation purpose only: ngsvcc.nigeria2@gmail.com

Please do not respond to email which asks you to send your username and password.

Yours sincerely, Emmanuela Awure (Mrs) Oversea Communication Department

***

Bless your heart, Mrs. Awure!

As someone who has been fleeced by loads of Nigerian scammers in my day, it’s good to see that the Nigerian government is finally being proactive in dealing with it. The twenty thousand dollars won’t cover all I’ve lost, but it may be enough to help me get my life back together. Maybe at last I’ll be able to get some closure on this difficult, sheep-related chapter of my life.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, that’s you, and four is me again. You see how it works. Sometimes I sit outside and pick the petals off of daisies while singing that to myself. I do it over lunch breaks from my lucrative, work-at-home job. I should be getting my first paycheck next week! And to think I only had to put down a few thousand dollars to buy in.

I expect that the Oversea Communication Department is swamped with the task of returning all of this money to its rightful owners, and postage from Nigeria must be expensive. I thought it might be easier for them to do it by direct deposit, so I just went ahead and sent them my bank account information. I also included the account numbers, expiration dates, and security codes for all of my credit cards, as they seem like trustworthy fellows.

One thing’s for sure: Nigeria needs to regulate their banking industry.

Since my running away from Devonshire Academy, I know you have been fraught with worry. Fear not. I have been taken in by the Raj of this land and given a great office in his government. My cloak is large and warm, and there is all the sheep I can eat. May the great pigeon I now attach this to ride the wind home to your eyes.

Yours,

Winsley Farragut, Grand Marshall of His Majesties Sheeperies

***

Dear sir,

I am afraid you have the wrong number. Please redial your pigeon.

Yours,

Jim Bucketmender, bucket mender