After the unpleasantness surrounding the transition of editorial responsibilities, the writers of Clunkline came together to generate a new direction of article ideas and feeleings.
Footay gave a rousing, impassioned speech on the opportunity we had to mold Clunkline to our own visions, out from under the yoke of the old regime and in the freedom of a new era.
Within ten minutes, we had this:
shoving stuff up your ass,
being groped (toned down from raped)
diarrhea, and a
dildo factory
If you show up on horseback to a tank battle, you might be an irregular warrior.
If you are concerned with the length of people’s mustaches, you might be an irregular warrior.
10. Upon touching down in an airport in an actual jungle, possibly within the Amazon River Basin.
9. None. There are no other appropriate places to listen to this song. Not. One.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4. ????
3. . . .
2.
1. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t really like the song very much.
In the spirit of advancing my vocabulary, I have started trying to substitute in casual conversation different words for the common ones typically used by people my age.
Yay – Huzzah
Awesome – Prodigious
Crappy – Ramshackle
Here – Hither
There – Yon
Idiotic – Antiwise
Confident – Indefatigable
Strong – Redoubtable
Large – Titanic
Go – Venture
Try – Endeavor
Discover – Remove from the foggy ether
I invite all of you to venture and endeavor this for yourselves for a full day. Bonus points if you dress like it is 1910. Have a prodigiously indefatigable day!
MYTH The Bismarck was sunk by a biplane.
FACT Allied marine commandos hijacked the Bismarck after swimming to the Denmark Strait from Ireland and pointed the guns down at her own decks, fired, then swam back to the UK.
Today I left a bunch of messages for nom de pomme that he did not return because he is a hateful jerk. I decided that this was more newsworthy than the oil spill, and that the internet really needed to know about it. I don’t remember my exact words, but what can I say, journalistic standards have fallen.
Message 1
“Hi, Frank [not his name], this is Bob. I dun knifed some guy again so I’m at the jail as per the usual. Come bail me out, I’ll buy you some tobackey to make up fer it. Hopefully I don’t knife you too. Well, I’ll talk to ya later, I gots ta go make dingleberry cobbler, if ya know what I mean.”
Message 2
“Hi, um, this is awkward. Hello, me, I guess? I’m actually an alternate version of you. Yeah, I like, came to warn you, and stuff. There’s this other version of us who’s going around killing other us-es, you know, like that movie The One, with that asian guy? Actually, that’s where he got the idea. So yeah, like, watch your back, man. … Also, it’s an okay movie, so, like, totally netflix that shit.”
Although everybody says that nuking the spill isn’t on the table, the fact that it’s even being discussed in the New York Times just goes to show you what capable hands we’re all in. Right? Because nukes are a great way for sealing things up, not, you know, blasting huge holes in them and scattering the debris all over the fucking place. And nothing screams “Success!” like a dead, oil-covered, radioactive porpoise.
So you spend all day listening to other people whine about their problems, but as a psychologist a great way to unwind is to hit the town and try to pick up some ladies or gents or both. It’s also an awesome way to give someone more problems to take to a psychologist! Score! Keepin’ the profession alive!
