A New Direction, A New Clunkline

After the unpleasantness surrounding the transition of editorial responsibilities, the writers of Clunkline came together to generate a new direction of article ideas and feeleings.

Footay gave a rousing, impassioned speech on the opportunity we had to mold Clunkline to our own visions, out from under the yoke of the old regime and in the freedom of a new era.

Within ten minutes, we had this:

shoving stuff up your ass,
being groped (toned down from raped)
diarrhea, and a
dildo factory

This is going to be such an improvement.

Presidential Facts!

Well while Tanzmetall was soooooo busy doing his other thing what with the tropes, he was also…WRITING FOR CLUNKLINE! YES, IT’S TRUE…

-Richard Nixon was the only Quaker in history to bomb Cambodia.

-Millard Fillmore did not fill more. In fact, he filled only eight times in his entire Presidency.

-John Quincy Adams was named for his father, John “Quincy” Adams.

Read the full article

Top 10 Superbowl XLV Aftermath Slogans / Rationalizations

History, as they say, is written by the victors, which is too bad for Pittsburgh right now, but attempts may yet be made.

Read the full article

Headlines about Ireland and Ivory Coast, in Decreasing Order of Sophistication

Ivory Coast Embassy in Dublin Mistaken as Just Another Government Building

Windstorm at Ivory Coast-Ireland soccer match leaves hundreds of flags unidentifiable.

Dyslexic Ivory Coast man finds welcoming new home in Ireland.

Irish-Ivorian Man Needs Only One Flag

Ireland and Ivory Coast have Similar Looking Flags, Experts Say

You Might Be an Irregular Warrior

If you show up on horseback to a tank battle, you might be an irregular warrior.
If you are concerned with the length of people’s mustaches, you might be an irregular warrior.

Read the full article

Top 10 Appropriate Places to Listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns’n'Roses

10. Upon touching down in an airport in an actual jungle, possibly within the Amazon River Basin.
9. None. There are no other appropriate places to listen to this song. Not. One.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4. ????
3. . . .
2.
1. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t really like the song very much.

List of Words I Am Attempting to Use More Often

In the spirit of advancing my vocabulary, I have started trying to substitute in casual conversation different words for the common ones typically used by people my age.

Yay – Huzzah
Awesome – Prodigious
Crappy – Ramshackle
Here – Hither
There – Yon
Idiotic – Antiwise
Confident – Indefatigable
Strong – Redoubtable
Large – Titanic
Go – Venture
Try – Endeavor
Discover – Remove from the foggy ether

I invite all of you to venture and endeavor this for yourselves for a full day. Bonus points if you dress like it is 1910. Have a prodigiously indefatigable day!

List of Misconceptions

MYTH The Bismarck was sunk by a biplane.
FACT Allied marine commandos hijacked the Bismarck after swimming to the Denmark Strait from Ireland and pointed the guns down at her own decks, fired, then swam back to the UK.

Read the full article

Nom de Pomme’s SPAM inbox

Date Subject
9/1/10 3:32AM Government Grants
9/1/10 3:34AM Roof Repairs
9/1/10 3:35AM Interest Rates
9/1/10 3:37AM Penis Size
9/1/10 3:39AM Government Repairs
9/1/10 3:42AM Roof Grants
9/1/10 3:44AM Size Interest
9/1/10 3:47AM Penis Rates
9/1/10 3:53AM Government Penis
9/1/10 3:54AM Roof Size
9/1/10 3:56AM Penis Interest
9/1/10 3:59AM Government Roofs
9/1/10 4:02AM Grant Repairs
9/1/10 4:05AM Size Rates
9/1/10 4:07AM Penis Roof

You have Reached Nom de Pomme’s Voicemail

Today I left a bunch of messages for nom de pomme that he did not return because he is a hateful jerk. I decided that this was more newsworthy than the oil spill, and that the internet really needed to know about it. I don’t remember my exact words, but what can I say, journalistic standards have fallen.

Message 1

“Hi, Frank [not his name], this is Bob. I dun knifed some guy again so I’m at the jail as per the usual. Come bail me out, I’ll buy you some tobackey to make up fer it. Hopefully I don’t knife you too. Well, I’ll talk to ya later, I gots ta go make dingleberry cobbler, if ya know what I mean.”


Message 2

“Hi, um, this is awkward. Hello, me, I guess? I’m actually an alternate version of you. Yeah, I like, came to warn you, and stuff. There’s this other version of us who’s going around killing other us-es, you know, like that movie The One, with that asian guy? Actually, that’s where he got the idea. So yeah, like, watch your back, man. … Also, it’s an okay movie, so, like, totally netflix that shit.”

Read the full article

BP’s Next Stupid Idea

Although everybody says that nuking the spill isn’t on the table, the fact that it’s even being discussed in the New York Times just goes to show you what capable hands we’re all in. Right? Because nukes are a great way for sealing things up, not, you know, blasting huge holes in them and scattering the debris all over the fucking place. And nothing screams “Success!” like a dead, oil-covered, radioactive porpoise.

Read the full article

Things not to show up with while couch surfing

  • Chainsaw (except in Vermont)
  • Children that clearly don’t belong to you
  • Read the full article

    Ten Titles that Need to be Used

    If these do get used, I shall link them accordingly.

    • Panties, Parties, and General Hullabaloo
    • The Life and Times of the Great Teabag Summoner
    • Swish, Bang, There Goes the Cat
    • My Life as a Sycamore Tree – This Time, it’s Personal
    • Living Fur-Free: A Musical Analysis of Naked Mole Rats
    • My Lover is a Brass Cocoon (And Other Pirate Sayings)
    • Paperclips: The Duct Tape of Electronics
    • How to Summon a Demon by Riverdancing
    • Roses are Red, Soylent is Green: The Cannibal’s Poetry Book
    • The Rise and Fall of Erectile Dysfunction Medicine

    Psychologist Pick-up Lines

    So you spend all day listening to other people whine about their problems, but as a psychologist a great way to unwind is to hit the town and try to pick up some ladies or gents or both. It’s also an awesome way to give someone more problems to take to a psychologist! Score! Keepin’ the profession alive!

    Read the full article

    Titles of Works Which Can Be Interpreted As References To Poop, Pooping, Or Farting

    Poop