Footay gave a rousing, impassioned speech on the opportunity we had to mold Clunkline to our own visions, out from under the yoke of the old regime and in the freedom of a new era.

Within ten minutes, we had this:

shoving stuff up your ass, being groped (toned down from raped) diarrhea, and a dildo factory

This is going to be such an improvement.

-Richard Nixon was the only Quaker in history to bomb Cambodia.

-Millard Fillmore did not fill more. In fact, he filled only eight times in his entire Presidency.

-John Quincy Adams was named for his father, John “Quincy” Adams.

-”Roosevelt” means “field of roses” in Dutch. Franklin Delano Roosevelt has the rare distinction of being the only president actually born in a field of roses. That’s how he got polio.

-Ronald Reagan was a second-edition android. His first edition was named Ronald Agan and went killing the scientists that created him until it fell in a vat of molten lead.

-James Garfield liked lasagna and hated Mondays. He was also an anti-Semite.

-Do you have trouble remembering John Tyler’s name? John Tyler would frequently forget which of his names was his first too! In fact, he was sworn in as Bobby Whatsisname because no one present could remember. Most of his cabinet officers would avoid him in the hallways for fear he would talk to them, and they’d have to pretend they knew who he was.

-James Madison only won in 1808 because he beat Charles Pinckney in a chili cookoff. The electoral college and popular vote was a sham.

-Zachary Taylor was very level headed. When this was brought to his attention, he decided it would not do and picked a country at random to be angry at. Thus began five decades of terrible Danish-American relations.

-It could be said that Chester A. Arthur was the inventor of the modern pencil sharpener, but it would also be wrong.

-Dwight D. Eisenhower was unrelated to himself, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Rumors to the contrary are urban legends.

-Woodrow Wilson only owned one suit. It was a lawsuit. As a result, he was always naked.

-Franklin D. Roosevelt covered up a semi-successful Japanese invasion of Kansas in 1942 by claiming the destruction was caused by an evil witch and black people.

-Some say the Republican ascension was the apogee of their influence, but these people are all astronomers azimuth.

-William McKinley was named after a mountain in Alaska. No not that one, the much smaller and uglier Mount William.

-George H. W. Bush was the first black president. However, he was not black.

-Theodore Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson once had a Manliness Competition. Several dozen Spanish colonies were the collateral damage.

-Ulysses S. Grant was the head of the army and lead a campaign through the lands of a hostile enemy, just like Hitler.

-Lyndon Johnson was obsessed with soccer and feverishly ran wind sprints constantly on the white house lawn in a bid to get fit enough to play for Real Madrid.

-Barack Obama won the presidential race because he is Kenyan and they are better at racing. You racist.

-Rutherford Hays had gay sex on the steps of the capitol, which in his time was called masculgambolling.

-It is sometimes said that William Henry Harrison died of pneumonia. Actually, he died of pneumonia.

-President Harrison BLARGH BLARGH BLARGH REDIRECT IRONY LOL

How one frames the debate, after all, can alter the entire perception of a thing; so permit me to try to soothe the belabored spirits of a city given to listing the names of various local sports teams in the Religion section of any applicable surveys. Then again, insofar as some things considered religions be solely concerned with eternal, far-off rewards almost entirely divorced with the living of one’s everyday life, belief in the Pirates does at times seem to fit the description.

But! Be that as it may, let’s make like the English or a person with too much Botox and keep a stiff upper lip. Things may not be as bad as they seem, but they needn’t seem as bad as they seem, either. A quick turn of phrase can mean the difference between a woeful defeat and a stirring attempt made by a city of champions. To wit, a few cheering slogans to help you through the dark days ahead:

10. We’re #2! We’re #2!

9. First place just means you’re the worst at losing.

8. We’re not #3! We’re not #3!

7. The road to victory is paved with the efforts of those who tried and failed. And, well, I guess the road needed repaving. [Remember, road work is something that all Pittsburghers can relate to.]

6. We thought we’d be good sports and let the Packers have one this time. “Sevenburgh” just didn’t have the same ring as “Sixburgh,” anyway.

5. Still technically the league champions.

4. (sung triumphantly) Pittsburgh came home from the Super Bowl… [Note: Avoid mention of what actually transpired during Super Bowl.]

3. We won, we won!* (*Super Bowl XLIII.)

2. Despite her lead early in the first verse, the Steelers went on to beat Christina Aguilera, coming from behind partway through the stanza. [Note: This slogan works best on people who have no actual understanding of what the Super Bowl is or how it is played. Ideally, they should have at best a tenuous grasp on the elements of song, as well.]

1. The Super Bowl? What, aren’t you keeping up on the freedom struggles of Egypt and South Sudan? Why would I ever care about such a silly assortment of bread and circuses compared to such historic moments as these? You, sirrah, have your priorities all a-mix’d; I prithee to sort them, one from another, ’til they are ordered as the stars in the heavens. Go thee hence and seek thee the ways of the unfathomable intelligence, the great heart of the cosmos, and spirit of liberty. Go in peace.

Windstorm at Ivory Coast-Ireland soccer match leaves hundreds of flags unidentifiable.

Dyslexic Ivory Coast man finds welcoming new home in Ireland.

Irish-Ivorian Man Needs Only One Flag

Ireland and Ivory Coast have Similar Looking Flags, Experts Say