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Dear Old King Coal (ha ha, I do jest, I know you are really a baron and not a king – but it is nice to pretend sometimes, isn’t it?), Ol’ Jed Bickers here, your pal from ‘palachia. I was running some ‘speriments in my backyard laboratory, and I believe I may have just made some strides forwards in clean coal technology. Since you are basically depending on clean coal as a desperate long-shot towards the feasibility of your industry, I thought you might be mildly interested in my results. March 25 Last night at Fire Hall 118, members of the comedy club at Lonely Fields Retirement Home were entertaining attendees of the much anticipated DefSeniorComedyJam. Things turned ugly however when Hugo Domingez, halfway through a set about how he didn’t see well anymore, lost control of his bowels. The incident then started a horrific chain reaction in the audience. Four were hospitalized and one died. POLE OF INACCESSIBILITY, ANTARCTICA – Member nations of the Antarctic Treaty were shocked to learn that millions of square miles of useless, uninhabitable frozen wasteland was forcefully taken away from them today when Cogwell Rutland of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA planted the flag of that city squarely on top of the decades old statue of Lenin that has for so long marked the point furthest from the southern sea in the Antarctic landmass. Instantly, the city of Pittsburgh’s land area increased 9,262,400%. “I just thought, three rivers n’at are cool but hey we could really use dis place” said Cogwell when reached for comment. “I came down ‘ere to look at em pengins o’er dere and I had dis flag n’all so what the heck y’know. Stole me a snowplow and came out ‘ere and planed it. And my muther said I’d never git outta Polish Hill!” Cogwell also installed himself as Emperor of the Southern Sea. Of course, a multinational coalition of signatory nations will be formed to destroy and overthrow Pittsburgh’s government and return the Antarctic to the purpose of peaceful scientific research. The pole of inaccessibility will also be carpet bombed. Ow! Is cantaloupe supposed to burn in your mouth while you’re eating it? Great. Walking around in work pants, shirtless, eating a peach and farting. I hope my gay housemates don’t notice. Mm. Squash water! Spring Break is over, but the SUPER PRIVATE times continue down on Gulf beaches as the Almost Naked Volleyball Championships get underway. And sometimes the co-ed teams wear SANDALS!! “SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches. I dreamed farkle-farkle had this device, a big metal sarcophagus you stepped inside. You could walk while wearing it, and it had a shower head above you and a TV in front of you. It looked sort of like Rosie from The Jetsons. Naturally, this walking-TV-shower was for camping, so it was called the Tom Sawyer. Fuck! A fucker has fucking fucked some fuckers up. Reports indicate that motherfucker Fucky McFuckington fucked a fucker right in his fucking fuck face. The fucker was later identified as Fuckhar Al-Fuzickeed from Fuckistan. Fuckers fucking around later fucked. Fuck at 11. cLUNKLINE: PLEASING TO WELCOM TRAMADOL AMBASADOR HELLO TRAMADOL tRAMADOL: HELLO c: PLEASON TELL ABAOUT TRAMALAMADINGDONG t; OK TRAMADOL VERY GOOD DRUG FOR USE IN HUMAN/RHINOCEROS BUT LESS EXPENSIVE THAN NAME BRAND qUESTION: ARE CONTENT PILLS THE SAME? Yargh its banana man, the best whose ever lived, here in your living room with that guy who invented the alternating current….Voltaire! He’s here telling me that anyone inscribed on a farragut pole is immediately immobilized for immolation. That’s bullshit! Everyone knows your yellow yuppies yearning to yap really relish ridiculous and alternating alliteration. INSERT QUIP HERE. That’s what she said?! Try tricking tardigrade. -Norm D. Apple |
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