The Clunktank is Empty, Again

Crap, they’re right behind us! Fill up the boiler with more wood chips!

I’m trying but its kind of hard with you poking me in the back of the head with that stick.

What are you trying to say, my methods are detrimental to team morale and the performance of the boiler?

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You Ain’t Seen Muffin Yet

That’s certainly not how I remember the Muffin Wars. Increased yeast levels in the water table indeed… Honestly, de Pomme, I think you were just trying to get a rise out of us.

My favorite part of the Muffin Wars was when Muffin Darth Vader said to Muffin Luke Skywalker, “You’re muffin without me!” and Luke replied, “That part of my past is dead and blueberried. You’re a nut, the banana of my existence!” And then the fleet of alien bagels began to invade and they had to work together to rescue MDV’s daughter from an office building like in Muffin Die Hard.

Clunkline at Four

We consider it a success that our server is still spinning after the global muffin wars. It is to be left to the new chroniclers as to whether our work will perpetuate through the post-muffin ages. For many of us, visions of old new york being consumed by billions of tons of expanding banana nut dough will be hard to forget, and we are cursed with the destruction of photography as a means of documentation for future generations. We will have to rely on verbal sagas and crude charcoal drawings on tanned raccoon hide. Luckily, the increased yeast levels in the water table makes the raccoons multiply pretty quickly.

In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet.

We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through!

Ovaltine Presents: Chuck Freeland, Accidental Dildo Factory Heir

We rejoin our hero as he is being led through the factory floor by the day manager Mr. Armstrong…

“And here we see the slurry containers, there’s usually enough slurry on hand for ten thousand units.”

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Los Queso De La Muerte

Interior, the great outdoors.

“I am a farmer and I farm my cows”

COws” moo”

In walks another farmer with the head of a dead demon.

“Hey check this out I got it from a mysterious black asian gypsey”

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Older than the internet

Porn has been around for a long time. I recently visited the National Porn Museum in Salt Lake City and saw a moving installation detailing the origins of the subscription porn industry. In the words of industry pioneer Buddy Hilltopper (aged 92 in a 1998 interview):

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Review of Echo Chamber: hyperbolically indefatigable

In conclusion, yes that’s how I’m starting this review because I have the final say, “Echo Chamber” (a production of the cinema ministry of socialist Tajikistan, or so the production values would imply) is a sordid assortment of magnificent melodiousness. Filmed in pan-anamorphic spectrascope, it blasts across the screen at an ostentatious 5:1 aspect ratio. Several scenes require the use of fisheye lens glasses to see all the actors at once.

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Emperor and Autocrat No More!

The tyrant Tanzmetall is deposed! All hail the new imperial majesty of Footay!

The chronicles of this magnificent revolution will long be echoed in song, theater, pornography, and children’s rhymes.

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Presidential Facts!

Well while Tanzmetall was soooooo busy doing his other thing what with the tropes, he was also…WRITING FOR CLUNKLINE! YES, IT’S TRUE…

-Richard Nixon was the only Quaker in history to bomb Cambodia.

-Millard Fillmore did not fill more. In fact, he filled only eight times in his entire Presidency.

-John Quincy Adams was named for his father, John “Quincy” Adams.

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Tales of Space England

“Great is our need” spoke the king, kneeling. “This is unprecedented in the legacy of our long partnership. The black fleet circles our island-keep daily to intimidate the embattled defenders. Without your intervention, I fear for the future of our people.”
The words dropped heavily in the great chamber and the ears of the on looking Sir Roderick.
Sir Roderick yawned. He let loose a lingering, wailing fart.

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We must launch exploratory hot dogs into the great gaudy universe!

Quickly men while the dog-water is still hot, we must load the rocket ship. Truly these smoked meat links will be the greatest ambassadors of mankind into the mighty hereafter. Whence has a food product more closely represented the best qualities of our race? The slender tube, packed with amalgamated meat, ready for a journey millions of parsecs in measure, all for the singular noble purpose of states rights! And here are the Yankee cavalry, or as I call them the stanky cavalry haha! Quickly then, azimuth 20 degrees, fifteen pounds of angular momentum, and zenith reading A-2. Fire!

Solemn League and Covenant? More like Smolem Smeague and Smovensment!

Who the hell does John Pym think he is? So the king is trying to kill you and you go all ally-happy with the Scots? Don’t you remember that time that they fought you guys, like that one time with the swords and yelling? Yeah, that! Really and the king is so bad that you want him dead? I think this Ollie guy is a little nuts. Oh sure he goes on about removing popists and papists and whatever, but I have it on good account that he’s never had a proper Italian meal in his life. Maybe if he got a taste of what all those Catholics down in the peninsula were eating he’d feel better. But noooo we’ve all got to march in lock step with Calvin and Knox. Well whatever, I’m going to go to Preston Moor and get ready for the final countdown. I hear it will be quite the…..engagement? Bwahahahahhahahahaha!

Kill Death Three: The Re-Deathening by Norm D. Apple

Exterior, Cargo Ship Deck. Agents of the international criminal syndicate S.C.O.U.R.G.E. are boarding the SS Nonchalant, a military weapons freighter disguised as a civilian non-weapons freighter. Strewn across the deck are red steel barrels and wooden boxes clearly marked with stamps of “EXPLOSIVE AMMUNITION”. There are thousands more below in the hold, as seen by a SCOURGE agent peering though a port-hole. The agents assemble their weapons and move silently down the deck to the command house.

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Cesero Borgia’s Hot Metal Pants

Scene one: Cesero Borgia receives his pants

Lord Borgia: My son, my son, I give you these pants!

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O Nigeria! At last I shall have my due!

I received this email not long ago, but to my bewilderment Gmail had moved it to my Spam folder.

***

Ministry of Foreign Affairs Federal Republic of Nigeria
Lagos Liaison Office
13/15 Kofo Abayomi Street,
Victoria Island,
G.P.O Box 1727,
Lagos.

Re: An Open Letter To All Scam Victims,

Attn: Scam Victims,

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