Cheeseburgers have invaded, ruthlessly killing all butts in the area. Not a single butt is left alive as of press time. People are starting to wonder how they will go poo now that they have eaten all the cheeseburgers, which were apparently just as delicious as non-murderous sandwiches.
Also, a number of cows have been set free in the streets of Beijing, perhaps a hundred thousand head or more. They also lack butts and might explode if they keep eating grass.
Exterior, coastal fortress in Bolivia, twilight. Guards dressed in plain clothes patrol along the high walkways and exterior walls of the old Spanish fort. Inside, there are tarps covering cargo platforms, jeeps with machine guns moving about, and a few well-dressed men discussing something on the balcony of a luxurious manor home. Some of the soldiers are opening boxes marked EXPLOSIVE AMMUNITION and distributing the contents.
That’s certainly not how I remember the Muffin Wars. Increased yeast levels in the water table indeed… Honestly, de Pomme, I think you were just trying to get a rise out of us.
My favorite part of the Muffin Wars was when Muffin Darth Vader said to Muffin Luke Skywalker, “You’re muffin without me!” and Luke replied, “That part of my past is dead and blueberried. You’re a nut, the banana of my existence!” And then the fleet of alien bagels began to invade and they had to work together to rescue MDV’s daughter from an office building like in Muffin Die Hard.
We consider it a success that our server is still spinning after the global muffin wars. It is to be left to the new chroniclers as to whether our work will perpetuate through the post-muffin ages. For many of us, visions of old new york being consumed by billions of tons of expanding banana nut dough will be hard to forget, and we are cursed with the destruction of photography as a means of documentation for future generations. We will have to rely on verbal sagas and crude charcoal drawings on tanned raccoon hide. Luckily, the increased yeast levels in the water table makes the raccoons multiply pretty quickly.
In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet.
We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through!
Porn has been around for a long time. I recently visited the National Porn Museum in Salt Lake City and saw a moving installation detailing the origins of the subscription porn industry. In the words of industry pioneer Buddy Hilltopper (aged 92 in a 1998 interview):
In conclusion, yes that’s how I’m starting this review because I have the final say, “Echo Chamber” (a production of the cinema ministry of socialist Tajikistan, or so the production values would imply) is a sordid assortment of magnificent melodiousness. Filmed in pan-anamorphic spectrascope, it blasts across the screen at an ostentatious 5:1 aspect ratio. Several scenes require the use of fisheye lens glasses to see all the actors at once.
“Great is our need” spoke the king, kneeling. “This is unprecedented in the legacy of our long partnership. The black fleet circles our island-keep daily to intimidate the embattled defenders. Without your intervention, I fear for the future of our people.”
The words dropped heavily in the great chamber and the ears of the on looking Sir Roderick.
Sir Roderick yawned. He let loose a lingering, wailing fart.
Quickly men while the dog-water is still hot, we must load the rocket ship. Truly these smoked meat links will be the greatest ambassadors of mankind into the mighty hereafter. Whence has a food product more closely represented the best qualities of our race? The slender tube, packed with amalgamated meat, ready for a journey millions of parsecs in measure, all for the singular noble purpose of states rights! And here are the Yankee cavalry, or as I call them the stanky cavalry haha! Quickly then, azimuth 20 degrees, fifteen pounds of angular momentum, and zenith reading A-2. Fire!
Who the hell does John Pym think he is? So the king is trying to kill you and you go all ally-happy with the Scots? Don’t you remember that time that they fought you guys, like that one time with the swords and yelling? Yeah, that! Really and the king is so bad that you want him dead? I think this Ollie guy is a little nuts. Oh sure he goes on about removing popists and papists and whatever, but I have it on good account that he’s never had a proper Italian meal in his life. Maybe if he got a taste of what all those Catholics down in the peninsula were eating he’d feel better. But noooo we’ve all got to march in lock step with Calvin and Knox. Well whatever, I’m going to go to Preston Moor and get ready for the final countdown. I hear it will be quite the…..engagement? Bwahahahahhahahahaha!