Clunkline

Each September I drive up to stay with my aunt and uncle and help them harvest the fruit from their orchard in West Virginia, and this year was no exception. I have special blood-relative permission to eat one apple for every basket I pick. Uncle Herb loves his crop, but they do it as much because they love it as that they want the money. Uncle Herb always says if he just wanted the money, he’d go back to making applets for iPhones. But, he never liked working for Macintosh, although I could never tell exactly what was eating him, and so an orchard it was.

I found an old record in the middle of the apple I was eating. You know, one of those tiny LPs that they make especially for autumnal fruit. I don’t recall the name, but it was by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

I’d never heard this particular album, although my grandmother on the Smith side of my family might’ve mentioned it once or twice. She used to listen to a lot of Mr. Cave, and loved to collect his rarities. She was the one who got me into him, actually… she said his music was juicy, delicious, all red and gold imagery with saucy lyrics and pie-in-the-sky ideas. He was probably her favorite artist, although her favorite song was still Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros’ “Johnny Appleseed.”

I put the record on my miniature phonograph. Agh! What IS this garbage? All noisy and screaming hoarsely, and playing every note on their instruments at once as fast as they can… I usually like Nick Cave, but I’ve never heard him sound like this before.

Curious, I looked it up on Wikipedia. …Turns out they classified it as applecore.

“I have to eat more shredded wheat or else I’ll get gout again.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Yes I have a rash on my buttocks I’d like you to look at” – Winston Churchill during a doctors visit.

“My bowels feel like they are full of vomiting snakes” – Maya Angelou after eating a Los Grande Platter at Taco Superiore

Floats in moat a goat-stoat boat. Boat moat cold, so coats. Stoat in coat up to throat. Goats vote oats, stoats quote “bloat then goats”. Goats outvote compote. Stoat denotes float gloat. Remote goat demote by misquote “I hate oats”.

-Quality 24 inch rims for sale, slightly stolen.
-Free rideshare to Detroit, chip in for ammo
-Babysitting and armed robbery for hire, call 724 858 8185.
-Information session on roads leading out of Michigan. Directions to Chicago, Minneapolis, New York available.
-Pimp-Master D’s Prosta-Service: Planning an event? Don’t forget the flams. Birthdays, Client entertainment, national holidays.
-Army Recruitment Info Sessions today at 2:00, 2:15, 2:30, 2:45, 3:00, 3:15, 3:30, 3:45, 4:00, 4:15, 4:30, 4:45, and 5:00.
-‘Please stop throwing trash through our front door’ The real story of how a neighborhood was turned into a landfill overnight due to a misprinted county ordinance. Author visiting next week.

Prior to my being working in various faculties around the globe for the past several years, my life’s passion had been the food service industry. I believe that Position #82945 (Dish Washer I) would afford me the spiritual and physical self-realization that I have not been able to find in the world of academia.

In the middle of the Battle of the Atlantic, there came a lull in the horrific action that required many U-Boat captains to come up with ad-hoc activities to keep their men battle-ready and the morale high. Most of these activities were equally mundane as doing nothing, but one Captain Hans Muller kept a log of his unique regimen, which was captured by the armed rowboat HMS Goodluck in 1942.