On this day in history, 1949, the Challengeburg Titan made her maiden (and only) voyage* approximately one eighth of the way to the moon. The takeoff and initial ascent went remarkably smoothly, which is quite a miracle, really, when we realize that the Titan was a mammoth boat strapped to the side of a skyward-facing dirigible powered by rockets. Moreover, it was the largest such rocket-powered boat-strapped-to-a-dirigible that had ever been built.
Here at Clunkline, we believe that journalistic integrity is a thing that exists and that people do sometimes. Although we always make an effort to bring you the most accurate information that we can completely make up, sometimes mistakes do slip through, particularly when FooTay has ingested too much NyQuil and/or just isn’t paying attention (which is always). Here, then, are corrections for some of the articles we’ve posted over the past year.
That’s certainly not how I remember the Muffin Wars. Increased yeast levels in the water table indeed… Honestly, de Pomme, I think you were just trying to get a rise out of us.
My favorite part of the Muffin Wars was when Muffin Darth Vader said to Muffin Luke Skywalker, “You’re muffin without me!” and Luke replied, “That part of my past is dead and blueberried. You’re a nut, the banana of my existence!” And then the fleet of alien bagels began to invade and they had to work together to rescue MDV’s daughter from an office building like in Muffin Die Hard.
I am Russdocus, chronicler of the expedition to explore the extents of the realm of Oleg.
Thence in a year of which is unrecorded as we lost our only calendar to a Turk most clever, there set upon the snow-trail our party of ten to map the great wildernesses and with the secret goal of obtaining a wolly-mammoth for the grand prince.
We consider it a success that our server is still spinning after the global muffin wars. It is to be left to the new chroniclers as to whether our work will perpetuate through the post-muffin ages. For many of us, visions of old new york being consumed by billions of tons of expanding banana nut dough will be hard to forget, and we are cursed with the destruction of photography as a means of documentation for future generations. We will have to rely on verbal sagas and crude charcoal drawings on tanned raccoon hide. Luckily, the increased yeast levels in the water table makes the raccoons multiply pretty quickly.
In any case, we will have users examine our work in many years time once the only extant computer workstation is back up (currently we are trying to repair the motherboard with fruits and nuts) and we have harvested enough live raccoons to turn a massive treadmill-dynamo to power the internet.
We are doing well I think and if the muffin-leftovers last us, we should be able to re-establish agriculture in Greenland (known now as the ‘new midwest’) within a decade. May the clunk see us through!
It wasn’t a very good plan… actually, it was terrible. But nonetheless, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce was dead-set on it, and President Eustace Albacore was finding himself at a loss for words.
“It’s just… I really can’t give this my stamp of approval, you know,” he said, scratching the back of his balding neck uncomfortably. “Misbehavior on this level… what will the people think?”
“I appreciate your concern, but I do not think they will be troubled – on some level, this will be exactly what they would expect from business and politics,” John Grant, the head of the Chamber of Commerce, returned smoothly. He was a short man clad in green with laugh lines around his mouth, but the spark in his eye was no twinkle – it was the glint of steel. “And you must agree that the energy crisis has reached new levels of urgency.”
It’s always a little concerning when you start out deep-frying and by the end you’re very nearly sauteing. Where does that extra oil go? You used the whole bottle, after all. While, to be fair, it wasn’t a very big bottle to begin with, it allegedly contained 32 servings, each of which had 22% of one’s daily fat intake. Just over a week’s worth of fat, gone.
I’ve always thought that to be one of life’s many mysteries, such as why the economy sucks, the difference between Democrats and Republicans, and which came first, the chicken or the tactical nuclear warhead. But nonetheless, on the occasions that the urge to deep-fry strikes, one can’t help but wonder. It’s not quite ineffable, but that’s not to say you should eff with it.
In what is being hailed as a modern medical miracle, doctors and researchers at the Mayo clinic have reported that an NSF funded project has produced the first sentient, talking ass of a woman in human history.
“This is truly a marvel to behold” said Dr. Rodson, chief architect of the ‘Talkin Ass’ as it has been affectionately dubbed. “It marks a huge milestone in talking ass technology”
In the chambers of the female test subject Janet Halbruth, who wished to remain anonymous, the ass was heard speaking to the researchers about the weather and other smalltalk.
Researchers were unable to provide any sort of intellectual merit argument or broader impacts discussion when prompted.
With former frontrunners Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman all fading in the polls, eyes are now turning to former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, who will have to prove just how criminally insane he really is in order to secure the nomination.