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Hello, My name is Prester John and I am running for the state house of Delaware. Some of you might now me as the legendary medival king of an equally legendary medeval kingdom in India/Kazakhstan/Ethiopia. Well, those days are past and for the past 25 years my wife Carol and I have considered ourselves full fledged Delawareans. I was up late that night. Graveyard shift at the campus apartments. A dispute down the hall resulted in a pathetic and somewhat hairy student coming to me complaining about one asian in particular, and asians in general. He also said he needed a new scrunchie, but I couldn’t help him there. A single RA can only do so much to stem the asian invasion and conjure up scrunchies. So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit. Point: Man, this election is the BEST thing to happen to our country since FDR. I just can’t believe it! I worked so hard to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I’m so HAPPY that America is finally overcoming prejudice to elect a VISIONARY leader to the White House. I really do think that President Obama will RESURRECT our most important American core values. This is the first step towards a BETTER future. This is totally a sign of A BRIGHT NEW DAY for our country and our world. Thanks to Obama’s victory, now I DON’T have to move to Canada after all. To all of you out there, I say: YES WE CAN. The scientists will tell you that the Large Hadron Collider is not dangerous, and that there is no serious debate about it within the scientific community. But that’s what they said about Galileo’s telescope, the dangers of which are just now coming to light: who could have known that it would have started such a backlash against our nation’s Christian values? Point: OH FUCK! OFFICER HELP! HE SHOT ME! Oh man…so much blood…oh it hurts like a motherfucker! Officer, this man tried to rob me at gunpoint! I threw all I had at him then turned to run away! He’s insane, he shot me in the leg when I was trying to get out of there! Counterpoint: You can’t prove nuthin man, nuthin! Man I was just walkin down the street over there and man you come runnin round the corner next to that bookstore and the next thing I know you ran right into me and my self defense handgun goes off! Man then you crazy flailing around and bleeding took out your wallet and threw it at me! Man, you crazy man! Point: Sin Sin, sin, sin. That’s all the atheists think of, and they even do it at least three times like I typed it. Atheists have been proven scientifically to be less moral than Christians (Source: Conservapedia), less charitable than Christians (Source: The Internet), and, fortunately, less politically-influential than Christians (Source: The Bible). They are a part of a massive conspiracy by the Gay Nazi Papist Commies to undermine our well-documented morality for ulterior motives we are far too busy to actually explain. Ahem. The international league of non-belligerents of the strife involving Grabass_Champion and Tanzmetall, which shall hereafter be referred to as “the incident” has issued the following statement, representative of our opinions and views as neutral parties to the incident. Point: You don’t need to date people if you have enough images of them. You remember Neon Genisis Evengelion? The part where Shinji is holding his gay lover in his big mama-robot’s arms, and then his dad forces him to crush the guy? Dating is a lot like that. You don’t want to do it. You really just want to write a PERL script to pull your paramour’s pics off Facebook, autoscan them into MAYA, and built yourself a cyberhottie, or at least a 4D approximation thereof. Either way, its much better than leaving your screen, curled up atop your DEC Alpha that you set running SETI@Home so it would heat up your parent’s basement, to face the cruel, soul-tiring abandonment and hatred you might find just outside your door. Doctorpoint: You don’t need images if you have enough people. |
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