Counterpoint:
Oh, but dude, Greek life is AWESOME! I mean, I’ve been a Greek for pretty much my whole life and I just love it to death. You get all this good food with grape leaves, filo dough, and feta cheese, and the Parthenon, and Dionysus. And there are gyros and olives everywhere. You should totally become a Greek. Here, hang on, I think I’ve got the citizenship applications on me… Aetoû gêras, korydoû neótēs, brah. Aetoû gêras.

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This may or may not have been published in readme. Wouldn’t you like to know?

After he woke me up, there was no going back to sleep, so I wandered to my porch, and there you were, happily cannoning streams of urine into my yard.

At first, I was shocked, but the shock quickly gave way to admiration: here was a man with so little regard for the rules of society that he would piss where piss was not meant to go. And that made a statement, the audacity of which I could barely begin to comprehend. Here I was, an RA, whose job it was to reinforcce those very same petty rules, and suddenly, I began questioning what it was that I thought I was doing.

As you cavorted through the lawn wearing only socks on your hands, I reflected on what it was that I was doing: living in a prison of my own creation. I was telling myself that I could not ignore the childish disputes of my hallmates, could not eat a cake in the shower, could not pee willy-nilly with a dangling Free Willy. And the problem with that was… it was a lie. Rules weren’t who I was. They didn’t make me. They restricted me.

When you ran off to take a dump in my neighbor’s recycling bin, I felt like a changed man. I suddenly understood what it meant to live… to let myself be myself, and to neither make rules for others nor follow those made for me.

I stripped down to nothing, put my socks on my hands. I stepped out into my yard. Standing in your piss, I added my own. I laughed as the glory dribbled down my leg.

Freedom.

Freedom was in the pee.

First, y’all know I hate laundry. That’s women’s work, and though I would happily get on my knees and suck off our lord and savior Ronald Reagan, ain’t nothing chick-ish about me. Normally, this would be a problem, but the solution dawned on me that instead of detergent, I can just buy axe. Now, this would be a problem, as how can you axe clothes in a closet or drawers? But my roomie, God/Reagan bless his soul and suck his schlong, has left the floor open for me so I can spray away with my own little workspace. Awfully considerate of him since it covers like 90% of the floor and makes the room still smell a little off, but I guess he likes the smell of man and ax. What-evs, more cock-sucks to him.

And we have some great conversations. Back home, everyone’s always bland and agreeing with me and shit, which is cool but lame. But man, when I lay down some facts like how privitization’s gonna be the way of the future, he’s staring at me all shocked like Jesus himself is supermaning him right then and there. He’s got this look on his face I’ve only seen before when my sister accidently jammed a cheese grater in her ear. She said that the blood loss made her feel oddly at ease like some of that nirvana shit those dope kung fu monks are always humming about. Those guys are definitely worthy of having their cocks in my mouth, I’ll tell you that. But man, when I talk with this guy, he is awe-struck by everything I say. That’s a real powerboost.

And sometimes I need that. In the daytime, I am Sir Awesome Saint-Cool. But at night, I get some fucked up dreams. My girlfriend told me I scream in my sleep, but this kid, he don’t say nothing about it. Never calls me out on it. Never would betray it to the world, he’s my bro. Mad props for that. Your cock, my mouth, man, it’s how we roll.

Speaking of my supermanned ho, when I get kinky with the bitch, he watches me. Now, I know you’re thinking that that’s a little gay, which is totally fucked up, but here is where the true cockery-in-mouth is earned. It’s like being a fucking porn star man, nothing has ever made me harder. But recently, he’s been playing all coy like and ignoring us, so we’ve been stepping it up. I’ve been spidermanning and green lanterning my bitch to crank it up to eleven, and those fake looks of disgust hiding his real looks of “oh yeah, you green arrow that slut.” It gets me off man. That’s the kind of dank bro this motherfucker is; he’ll totally get me off.

On a scale of one to amazing he scores himself, because only his name can describe someone that amazing. Your cock is welcome in my mouth anytime, man, with Reagan up my back door in a patriotic three-way clusterfuck of mad props.

No homo.

Man, this election is the BEST thing to happen to our country since FDR. I just can’t believe it! I worked so hard to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I’m so HAPPY that America is finally overcoming prejudice to elect a VISIONARY leader to the White House. I really do think that President Obama will RESURRECT our most important American core values. This is the first step towards a BETTER future. This is totally a sign of A BRIGHT NEW DAY for our country and our world. Thanks to Obama’s victory, now I DON’T have to move to Canada after all. To all of you out there, I say: YES WE CAN.

Counterpoint:

Man, this election is the WORST thing to happen to our country since FDR. I just can’t believe it! I worked so hard to AVERT THIS AT ALL COSTS. I’m so INCONSOLABLE that America is finally overcoming prejudice to elect a SATANIC leader to the White House. I really do think that President Obama will DESTROY our most important American core values. This is the first step towards a TERRIBLE future. This is totally a sign of THE APOCALYPSE for our country and our world. Thanks to Obama’s victory, now I DEFINITELY have to move to Canada after all. To all of you out there, I say: WE ARE FUCKED.

My evil plan is working swimmingly. First, I will build this massive underground structure with international funding. Then, I will prepare to use it for the most nefarious possible ends: particle collision. Then I will discover the Higgs boson and become an acclaimed particle physicist, and what will you do then, Mr. Bond?

I hope you like this dose of neutrinos to your groin. Sooner or later, an electron in your crotchal region will become energized, and then you’ll be in REAL trouble.

Madness? This is not madness, Mr. Bond, it is science! What? How dare you complain that Hawking radiation has not been observed directly! Relativity has not been “observed directly” and yet we infer it reasonably from data it affects: that’s how science works when it comes to difficult things to observe, Mr. Bond. Until recently, we hadn’t observed extrasolar planets directly either, but we knew they existed through GRAVITATIONAL LENSING! BWAHAHA!

Yes, Mr. Bond, the Large Hadron collider is truly the weapon of madmen who enjoy playing God.