Yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of your newfangled “action flicks” that you people are watching in theaters these days. I was underwhelmed by “G.I. Joe,” underwhelmed by “Ninja Assassin” and “Transformers 2,” and just plain whelmed by “The Book of Eli.” But all you young people out there, you get so excited when you see this stuff, you’re practically pissing in your popcorn! Well let me tell you something; the action movies of my day were so awesome you’d start blowing CRAP out your EYEBALLS if you so much as glanced at ‘em.
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Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.  This isn’t even the right flag! That’s Liberia’s flag! As if decades of slavery were not enough, now we deface someone else’s flag just because we’re too fucking LAZY to ink the RIGHT NUMBER OF STARS! Worse still, it’s a THROW PILLOW. It’s not even a real pillow! It’s like a big-game hunter tracking down the last Tasmanian tiger and then calling it a dingo when he mounts it to his wall. Patriotic holidays are just commercialist circlejerks. We don’t honor the fallen. We have sales on mattresses. It’s bad enough that Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Labor Day have been bastardized, but why you gotta exploit the blood of our ancestors to make a $.59 profit on a refrigerator magnet? So, my roommate and I have an unusually large amount of plates for two guys in college thanks to bundled packages from Target. As a result, doing the dishes is never a pressing concern since if we run out of plates, there are always bowls. Run out of those, there are always mugs and teacups. You might think that, when your favorite NFL team is leading by 11 points with two minutes left in the game, it might as well be over. Surely, they’ve got it “in the bag” now and you can safely switch channels, right? You might think that, but that’s because you root for a GOOD team. Or, to use the term favored by Buffalo Bills fans, a BORING one. Everybody hides things. We all, for one reason or another, have certain thoughts and feelings that we keep to ourselves. And from the day I began writing for this site, there has been one nagging thought that I’ve never been able to get away from. And I finally decided I can’t take it anymore; I’ve kept this feeling inside for too long, and it’s time I shared it with the world… I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically. So one might criticize my reaction to that initial night of sexile, since the blue scrunchie maneuver was something I might have given Peter reason to think was okay. (I hope to god Peter didn’t show that Chinese girl his “blue scrunchie maneuver” if you know what I mean, because what I mean is some kind of sex act). |
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