The Logic of Ronnie

I’ve already pointed out a few examples of situations in which Ronnie makes very bizarre logical errors, but there are plenty more available. They follow.

Dear Gina,
I just wanted to let you know that I Have A court
hearing to go to tomorrow. So I have to be there at
9.00AM. I don’t know when I will be getting out of
court. I am going to try to be completed with my work
early in the morning. I just wanted to let you know so
I will return to work after the hearing.
THANK –YOU
RONNIE #7

That’s right, if Ronnie hadn’t let Gina know about this court hearing, she would not have returned to work after going to the hearing.

(and of course, -(you) has been thanked again.)

>> I Can give you Three that you can have
>> Ronnie#7
>>
>
>

As opposed to three that you definitely cannot have.

I Am Going
Not going to lunch

Here it was important to note first that Ronnie was going, and then to mention that she was not going to lunch.

Hope That ever one Is Ok At the Zoo.
Try To Have A Good Day
Ronnie #7

You just don’t want anyone to not be okay at the Zoo. It totally sucks when someone is not okay there.

Mine is in this mail bag
it’s coming in tonight mail bag
Ronnie

This one is another good one to say aloud. Try it! It’s loads of fun.

I guess the second “mail bag” is added to stress that Ronnie’s talking about mail bags.

Greet customers as they come into the building lest like to still if they know there in here

First, it’d be important to translate this. What she’s trying to say is “Greet customers as they come into the building. They are less likely to steal if they know they’re in here.” That’s right, it has nothing to do with whether or not we the cashiers know they’re in here, we’re really concerned with the customer’s self-awareness. If a customer knows he or she is present, he or she will be much less likely to steal. I guess, to Ronnie’s credit, self-awareness is probably a prerequisite to theft.

Make Sure that Drops are accounted for if you have to make a drop please do so if there is some at the counter let them see you make a drop so they know that we don’t keep that much money in the reg.

Wrong again! We’re not supposed to make safe drops in front of customers because it would present to them a temptingly large sum of money available to be snatched from the cashier’s hands.

Bathroom Checks make sure that you check them ever ½ hour if it need filled please do so. Right now we are having problems with it and if you can check it more often maybe we can keep it from over fooling.

It would be effectively impossible for the bathroom supplies to overfill, except possibly the soap, but that would be a result of employee error, not something that happens by itself that we’d seek to prevent. What we’re worried about is the exact opposite: things becoming empty, or “under fooling”.

If you have a problem don’t Hastate to call me if we can finger it out over the phone I will come in to help.

I would certainly “Hastate” to finger anything out with Ronnie, and I’m pretty sure that’s nearly a universal sentiment. However, even if you were to desire that, doing so over the phone, well, I’ve heard of “phone sex” but I don’t think it works quite that way. Of course, even if we interpret “finger it out” as “figure it out” like it’s meant to be, she say that if we can figure it out over the phone she’ll come in to help. But if it’s already figured out by way of phone, that really wouldn’t seem to necessitate her appearance at the store.

Check times on coffee, hot dog’s and pizza some one not going to buy it if it looks’ like crape

Nobody will buy it if it looks like crèpes, which is a sad indicator of the misplaced anti-French sentiment that you’ll find in conservative areas like Harrison City. That rules out pancakes, soft tortillas, and those things you get with your Peking Duck.

Roger

Roger was probably the most unfortunate of targets of Ronnie’s e-mails. Her e-mails to Roger were the most frequent and the least comprehensible, and they all addressed practical matters, so he had to actually translate them from “idiot” to English and then act on them. Combine this with the fact that Roger has less tolerance for stupidity than most in our company, and you got a very bad work relationship.

zero mugs left
I Sent you a Email after the meating about that

Yes, you saw it here, “meeting” spelled as if it involves dead animal flesh.

Roger
The 12 Oz cans of Red bull are on promotion
this month 2 for $5.00 but they are ringing up reg price and you can’t
moterive them is it me or is there something wrong with this pitcure
Thanks confused ronnie #7

Moterive was an attempt at spelling “modify”.

Ronnie would never spell out the words “regular” or “register”. They both just became “reg”. I think she was well aware that she couldn’t spell either and therefore just casually avoided it.

It is possible that a “pitcure” is a cure for certain body odor problems.

Very thing alse is ring up fine reg price and the sales we can modify
but the only thing is the red bull rings up at reg price but you cant
modify it. it not ring the price like it would be on sale eather , if that
would be the case. its not ringing the right price to be on promotion
becase we cant modity it.
So do you thing that you can help little confused me
Thank you Roger
Ronnie #7

Aww, poor “little confused” Ronnie… But it is very evident that she’s confused, considering the absolutely garbled state of the language in this e-mail. Could you imagine having to answer these questions? Even if you knew about the equipment and software involved it would be nearly impossible.

“Little confused me” has another element of idiocy in Ronnie’s personality. In addition to scoring lower on standardized tests than most three-ring binders, Ronnie would flirt with anything that produced a significant amount of testosterone. This presented the more intelligent of her targets with the very awkward position of being flirted at by something that was only physically human. “Little confused me” is obviously a presentation of a vulnerable image on Ronnie’s part, which really would only have served as revolting to Roger. I was fortunate enough never to have been a target of this, but that was because Ronnie hated me. This hatred stemmed from her belief that I was spying on her for Gina. That sentiment ended up being quite accurate, though that was not the original reason for my having been moved to the store, and my informing Gina of Ronnie’s “blind-paraplegic-in-a-mosh-pit” approach to management was merely to serve my own ends.

A Few Thing first
Red Bull #7084081
Bill was $51.00 And in Petro It was $55.00 Now is that because of it being
on sale last month?
It will not let me expecet Frito-lay bill #13655716 I Don’t know why.
Silberman Bill #345903
Iteam #157685
Said that we got 6 in and we did shows no Retail.
Next silberman Bill #347183
Iteam #201681
“” #157677
“” #157685
has no retail.
Still no creait on the iteams that we did not recived.
Have a Good Day
Sorry to be such a pain
Ronnie #7

Got that? This must have made Roger’s job take twice as long as it normally would have.

Put in my Coke Invoice 2936014139 Date 12/10/07
It said in Petro $629.64
and on invoice $671.44
that’s $41.80 off He[p me Please
Ronnie #7

He]p me understand this garbage!

Roger
I see that Copenhagen / Skoal Is back on sale again
Do we ring up under PLU 610
And to make shure that i have it right The gatorade is
off sale this
coming month right
I Think that is all right.
Thank you
Ronnie #7

Okay, right? Right. Right?

Roger
I have cut down on the Pretzel’s Here.
We only carry Cinnaon bon Plain and Cream -Cheese.
I thought that we had to carry Cinnaon bon Plain and
one that was
flavored. just making sure we are doing that
correctly.I just don’t want
to get into any trouble. If something is different
please let me know
thank’s.
Ronnie #7

Cream –(cheese). I wonder what the opposite of cheese is. Also note the interpretive spelling of “cinnabon”. How do you even pronounce “Cinnaon”?

Roger
$60243.37 Fax this Paperwork to Lex line Or do
just want to safe
paper on the fax manichine do to tonight being mail
bag and you
have the end of the month and end of the year stuff
coming to you
in the morning
Ronnie

This is one of the least comprehensible e-mails that Ronnie has even sent. What is it supposed to mean? I encourage you to submit to me your ideas.

Roger
Silverman Invoice #353248 In my inbox as use/supple
Am still wating on
them pick up my stuff that in the office mabe tomorr
whenthe order comes
Ronnie

Ooh, that “Silverman” invoice is so supple that I might just use it! Well, mabe tomorr.

I think “Whenthe” could probably pass as an Elizabethan word. “I hath made him a cuckold whenthe his dame did lie with me.”

Dear Gina,
How we handle gas change is according.
If in the evening The Cashier has
to call me mealy then they have to change the prices
out side on the
pole.

For the record, I never heard anyone call Ronnie “mealy”. But I guess I could see where she might be mealy. Like an old, lukewarm, illiterate apple.

Buy the time that they change them I am here at
the store. Then I
will change the price on the pumps.
If for some reason
that I can not
make it in to the store I will talk them throw it over
the phone.

This was actually a lie. If the gas prices were to be changed at any time that Ronnie was not present (which was most of the time), they would not be changed on the pumps until the next time either myself or Ronnie was there, and the sign would not be changed until the next time I was there. Ronnie would not change the sign outside, so it was invariably left to me. This meant that most of the time the price on our sign did not match the price of the fuel we were selling, leading to much customer (costumer?) displeasure.

If gas
price’s change droning the day we will drop what we
are doing to make
shore that the price’s on the pole are changed first
then the price’s on
the pump’s are then changed.

Also a lie. They would instead just wait until I showed up and casually mention it to me. I guess I could do it because I’m tall, young, and male.

Then put it into petro
soft that my price s
are changed and send you an email that they changed.
Just making sure if
this is the correct way that I should be doing that?
Ronnie #7

In these ways, Ronnie attempted to suck up to Gina. Of course, the overarching problem was that even if Gina believed the bullshit present in her sucking up, it was still so stupidly written that it couldn’t possibly be successful.

Yes Question ?
Why does he all was do that to this Store tell you
that he is coming and
then he never show up or can’t make it just a
Question?

Say it. “Yes Question ?” It’s funny.

I Called Vector Security System about my alarm going
off ever other night
it has been going off for about 3 week’s now.
And ever time that i come in to turn off the alarm.
They were sending
someone out to look at it on Friday or Sat is what the
lady had told me. I
just called them yesterday to see if they could come
and look at it The
lady “”Carrien” was her name and a Teck will be here
on Friday The 4th. I
came out last night and allmost reacked due to the
road’s being bad. Sorry
if they have been calling you as well.
Have a Good Day
Ronnie #7

There was a real issue with our alarm going off at really inconvenient hours very frequently. Every time, or “ever time”, Ronnie would have to drive out to disable it.

Note the clever use of the “double-double-quote, word, single-double-quote” technique for denoting that someone has a ridiculous name, such as “Carrien” in this case. Possibly Ronnie felt that she was receiving a call from a rotting antelope.

Gina

As Ronnie’s boss, Gina was put in a unique and probably very difficult position: She had to try to decipher most of Ronnie’s e-mails, live with the fact that she had promoted this ignoramus, and still pretend to the cashiers and myself that Ronnie should be taken seriously. All the while she also had to find a reason good enough to remove Ronnie from her position without endangering the company to any sort of lawsuit. Ronnie was under the very gravely mistaken impression that Gina favored her over most managers. In truth Gina recognized, as anyone would have to, that Ronnie was one of the least intelligent beings to have ever reached the level of store manager.

Dear Gina,
I have a Question to ask you? I have been keeping
track of or daily sales here at the store for some
time now and I was going to start putting in October
month and I do not know what last years sales were.
Is there any way possible that David would have the
numbers for October throw December of 2006, So I can
contunen to watch the sales.

Thank-you
For you’re time
Have A Good Day
Ronnie #7

Ronnie always spelled the word through “throw”.

When Ronnie has a question for anyone, for some reason she declares it and then follows the declaration with a question mark. It’s almost as if she’s surprised. Were I Gina, I would respond with “You have a question to ask me? I don’t know, do you?”

Gina
Can we use the Spray Can line paint? That is reflective
That lowes carries Please let me know? Rj will be painting the lot
this Friday.
Have a Good Day
Ronnie #7

“That is reflective That lowes carries Please let me know?” is an example of the post-suppository diuretic structure. It’s a very advanced usage and should not be attempted by amateurs at home.

I would have answer you but i dont know what the question is?

Here’s another example of the use of a question mark in any sentence that includes the word “question”.

The Ronnicles – Exercises in Literacy from one of America’s Finest Convenience Store Managers

You read it here: I actually found some more Ronnie-content lying around! These were some post-it notes that she put on some applications that she had processed. Most of them are notes about how her phone calls to the various applicants went.

Sent Folder:

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