PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST

About four minutes pass while we see shit we’ve already obsessively watched four to six times.

INT. THE JUNGLE – NOONISH

A figure crashes through the jungle. the music tells us it is important

We can’t see who it is

INT. SUN’S GARDEN

Sun is in her garden.

CREAKY CRASHY

She turns around to see who the creaky crashy is

no one is there

INT. THE JUNGLE

CRASH SNAP BREAK go the twigs and branches, whoever it is, sure is runnin’.

Meanwhile, the list of Guest Stars gives away that it is Mira Furlan’s character crashing through the underbrush.

INT. SUN’S GARDEN

Mira Furlan’s character (Rew Sew) crashes out of the underbrush.

Rew Sew I am not wearing a bra.

A giant “LOST” flies toward the screen to tell the audience that the characters are LOST just in case they forgot

INT. FLASHBACK

Sun is being operated on by Jack in the past. the reason he does not recognize her is because she has bag on head.

JACK I cannot operate with this bag on head

JACK’S DAD SR. Jack, are you CRAZY?! it’s the only thing keeping her alive!!!

WHOOSHING SOUND

INT. MEANWHILE, ON THE BEACH

Walt and Hurley invent a new game combining ping pong and Backgammon. it is called pick gong. however it is so boring that i can’t even write about it here, but be sure to spend like twenty minutes on it.

INT. SUN’S GARDEN

Cate, Jake, Soyer, and Si-Eed and also Sun stand around looking at Rew Sew. Rew Sew speaks using sexy accent but looks pretty gross I mean she’s french and in the jungle for sixteen years so how clean could the pits be.

REW SEW I was wandering around the island which is huge by the way and saw some guys taking Michael to an amusement park. however I don’t need to tell you that however happy he looks and however awesome the rides may be that this is some kind of evil plan by the Others and hes’ not really happy.

JACK How far is it.

REW SEW Not far.

Rew Sew shows them a map of the island. It’s huge. Everywhere is marked as “not far” except for the furthest point away from them

JACK We have to get him back. Okay, me and Si-Eed will go.

SOYER Like hell you are, [nickname], I am going too because I am contrary.

KATE Me also.

JACK No you’re not

kate yes i am

jack no your not

kate yes i am

jack if I say no youre not one more time than you do, you have to stay

kate dammit

MEANWHILE, ON THE BORING SIDE OF THE ISLAND

walt beats hurley at pick gong.

WHOOSHING SOUND

INT. SUN FLASHBACK

why the fuck did I make Sun the viewpoint character for an episode where she doesn’t do anything, well whatever in the flashback she’s in her garden in japan or something. somewhere along the way she sleeps with Soyer who doesn’t recognize her because he was temporarily blinded by Charlie who didn’t recognize him because he was on some serious drugs.

WHOOSHING SOUND

INT. THE JUNGLE

Rew Sew, Jake walk through the woods. Cait shows up

JACK I told you not to come

KATE Well, I went anyway

JACK god dammit

Si-Eed comes on to say, Hi, even though you told me to go with you, I didn’t

Si-Eed exits stage left.

KATE let’s double back after sayid and find him.

JACK no cate sayid went after michael who went after desmond who went after something else that happened in season one. we can’t keep going after people

KATE I’m going anyway but I’m not going to tell you about it.

jack takes his gun and hits her in the back of the head, pushing the magic button that turns a person into energy saver mode. she gets knocked out.

INT. HATCH SOMEWHERE

Ben is talking with big creepy eyes, we don’t see who he’s talking to

ben: the real risk is Kate and Soyer. There sexual tension threatens to overwhelm the island

Suddenly, it is revealed that he is speaking to JACK’S TWIN!!!

Suddenly, SOMEONE ELSE crashes on the island on a HUGE SHIP but we don’t see who until halfway through the next episode, the end.

PRODUCER: RA’UF GLASGOW, etc

(also what the hell kind of name is ra’uf glasgow.)

THE BOUNTY HUNTER GRIMLY Stared tadeusz down the barrel of his hackbow. It is the bounty hunter who is doing the staring, in case that wasn’t clear. Also, a hackbow is a crossbow that shoots hacksaw blades, if that wasn’t clear also.

“Ha ha ha,” the bounty man said, inching hisfingers closer to the trigger, “I will collect lots of rupees for this fine catch?!”

Tadeusz boredly examined his fingernails. “Ho hum,” said he. He was not concerned because he had A SECRET PLAN. Shhhh! Don’t tell the bounty hunter.

The bounty man fired his crossboy but the hacksaw blade rick-o’-shayed off Tadeusz’s face! Under the face was a robot face, made of metal, because Tadeusz was a time traveling robot called an exterminator sent to do a quest of some kind back in the middle ages!

“HORROR!” gasped the bounty dude in horror, “I never imagined you were Tadeusz Helmesbergle McCracken, the legendary, please spare my life sir,”

“WRONG!” shouted Thadeusz, drawing a gigantic claymore from somewhere under his cloak you wouldn’t expect to have that much room under there for such a giant claymore but he is just that sneaky you see. He hurled the claymore like it was a throwing knife into the bounty man’s face and it went right through killing him and also causing several collateral damages including a priest and a child. Taduesz pulled his blade out of the orphan’s ribcage.

“Mmm,” he said, “smeels like accomplishment.”

And tucking his claymore away into somewhere under his cloak you wouldn’t expect to have that much room, he climed the ladder to his dirigible.

TO BE CONTINEUD IN PART II

Next time, on Tadeuzs MCcRacket:

“You bore me with your oversumptuous grandiloquence, said Tadeuss.”

BREAKING BAD pilot episode season 3 finale

JESSE and WALT (disguisenberg as Hisenberg) are about to do a drug deal with a MEAN MAN who is pulling teeth out of childrens’ mouths

MEAN MAN RARRRGH I AM A BAD MAN MEAN MAN AND YOU MUST DO THE DRUG DEAL WITH ME.

WALT Hey stop it you’ve had enough teeth pulled and we have a drug deal to do the kids shouldn’t be around for the drug deal. They should be in school learning chemistree.

MEAN MAN these are my kids you don’t tell me what to do with my kids I TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THEM ARRRRGH. I use them as mules which means they smuggle drugs in their bodies and also they plow my fields. This sets me up as an exceptionaly UNFORGIVING PERSON. do not forget this fact, walt or audience, as it will become important later

JEsse okay please don’t hurt us mr bad man we have good drugs. [and then we have a populer idiom of some kind possibly slang term or witty one liner]

MEAN MAN yes but only the one of you cooked it, I WILL KILL THE OTHER The mean man LUNGES at JJESE with a TURKEY BASTER and is TWO inches (2.4cm) from his eye with it when Walt yells

WALT PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT

MEAN MAN why not old man? you see I have noted your age as I have keen skils of obvesortaviotn (??? forget how to speel it lol )

WALT you can’t cook without me and I like to coook

MEAN MAN your right id better not kill him.

SCENE TWO.:

despite Walt’s somewhat unclear motivation for wanting to deal drugs he nonetheless delivers a compelling performance in a scene where he has to make meth or something I dhaven’t really decided yet

but it probably would have him stalking around his house late at night with his mouth hanging partway open

SCENE THREE.

JESSE we need to kill the mean man I say we use a gun

WALT No it is too straightforward and we would forget the chemistry motif of the show if we did that

JESSICA okay what will we use then WALT pours salt on the table, but it is make-believe a deadly chemical

WALT Do you know what this is?no you don’t you suck and are pointless. well it is a chemical, it is called CHEMICAL #4420 in the business or doxyproxyloxalenecollosseum by the big pharmasuitical companies. which stands for Doxy Proxy Allen its discoverer and the chemical ecollosseum which is named for a bacteria found only in gladiators armpits.

JESSICA what do we do now

WALT we mix it with the recipe for meth and attempt to make this kill him in some way I don’t know i haven’t really figured out what the chemical should do exactly maybe it makes lightning shoot out of my eyebrows that would be pretty cool yes okay lightning eyebrows (lightbrows??? yes! goldmine ca-ching okay they are called lightbrows.)

SCENE FIVE

pinkman gets a BETTr idea that is actualy worse and DRAMATIC IRONY audience knows it is worse

then he does it and something worse happens and they get CAPTURED by the mean man

and then they hurt him badly but do not have the guts to kill him and the tables are TURNED

but then they go back home cause we need a scene with Skylar (lol boys name) to fulfill our contractual ovulations about her appearing in each episode.

SCENE WHATEVER NUMBER COMES AFTER FIVE.

SKYLAR walt I hate it when you’re not speaking with me

WALT walt grunts incoherently

SKYLAR walt i still hate it when your not speaking’s with me, my opinion has not changed due to your incoherent grunt

WALT Walt whips her in the face with his penis

SYLAR ooh i like that do it HARDER

WALT he does it harder

SKYWALKLAR OW HOW DARE YOU i liked it a moment ago BUT NOW I DON’T because i am prengant and MOODY ARGH im gonna go call my crazy sister now oh hi crazy sister did you steal more things yes you idd okay well i can sell them on ebay then.

okay so i haven’t really decided how to end it but HEY why am i the one who comes up with all the ideas YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO END IT OKAY JERK

jesus christ what a jerk

Zuul’s Revenge: Or How I learned to stop Worrying and Love THat Creepy Guy who Stalks me

Julie is walking down the street. she whistles politely to herself.

Suddenly a MAN jumps out from behind a BUSH. He is naked except for a sweatervest made from stitched-together salami.

MAN I love you , Julie! That is why I wear my salami.

JULIE Ewwww! The only thing I hate more than salami is premarital sex! Get’s away from me!

Julie picks up a PARK BENCH and throws it at the MAN. It hits him in the salami. he falls over

MAN. Oh noooo! you have injured my soul, which was in the salami

Julie and the stops, looks back at him.

JULIe Oh goodness me, great balls of fire, I did not mean to hurt you with the park bench I only threw it to be FUNNY. what can I do to make your final hours more peaceful

MAN. BLOWJOB PLEASE

The man takes Julie’s HEAD and shoves it towards his salami

they live happily ever after THE END

.

wait i forgot to write about zuul didnt i

by vincent Brown

JIM and TOM are in the anti-bee bunker.

JIM. so our housemate says we should clean

TOM. yes yes and yes

JIM. arbeit macht frei, das flanderson

TOM. did you just godwin our housemate because you did

JIM. jawhol, mein fuhrer

TOM. it’s gotta get done, and hey, fascism makes the trains run on time.

JIM. i’m just speaking german you are projecting all over me

TOM. I cleaned the kitchen, and did not speak out I cleaned the bathroom, and did not speak out I cleaned my bedroom, and did not speak out and when I was finished, there was nowhere left to clean

JIM. you didn’t clean your room you dope

TOM. I saw a dead bee on my water bottle today I thought of you

JIM. thank good …did you just godwin bees

TOM. bees bermes berman ees berman eesgoring herman goring !!!

JIM. you’ve discovered the connection you’re an excellent soldier you will run my university

TOM. I am honored beyond words! I shall now go celebrate

SCENE TWO

TOM is running the univercity.

TOM. Upon hearing this, I immediately began preparing my first lesson plan against the bees.

END OF ACT WON