From Rhineland spreadin’ down To Alsace in the south. Those medieval Hebrews, Ashkenazi Jews. Bring your Minhagim. We’ll be so Halakhacal.

Don’t get confused Cuz I’m not Sephardic. You’re not sure what that means, But you love my Yiddish. Love my Yiddishkeit. Yeshiva’ll help you get it right. Cuz I know that maybe you…

Hebrew and German, You’ll mix em up just like the SHUM league, Ashken-ashkenazi. Baby you don’t get Minhagim, But I know that you can be Ashken-ashkenazi.

Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until you’re beth dinized Baby you’ll be Jewish With German elements culturally. Ashken-ashkenazi.

They used to be Eatin’ gefilte fish. Now they eat falafels; Hebrew replacin’ Yiddish. Much less Yiddishkeit Unless you are Haredi.

You’ll help me out So the pluralists learn. They’re all wonderin’ why ‘Bout the teardrops I cry. Oh my Yiddishkeit— Syncretism in my life, Cuz I know baby I…

Hebrew and German, I mix em up just like the SHUM league, Ashken-ashkenazi. Baby you don’t get Minhagim, But I know that you can be Ashken-ashkenazi.

Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until you’re beth dinized Baby you’ll be Jewish With German elements culturally. Ashken-ashkenazi.

That’s right (Ashkenazi Minhagim) Now you (Know about my Halakha)

Can’t stop the Japhetic Patriarch, Table of Nations!

Hebrew and German, You’ll mix em up just like the SHUM league, Ashken-ashkenazi. Baby you don’t get Mingahim, But I know that you can be Ashken-ashkenazi.

Promise I’ll be kind But I won’t stop until you’re beth dinized Baby you’ll be Jewish With German elements culturally. Ashken-ashkenazi.

Let me clarify. I’m not talking about Mondegreens. I’m not talking about Fuck It’s an Owl. I’m not talking about “Good King Wenceslas Lost his Crown”. I’m talking about cases where I don’t just mishear words. When I don’t hear anything. And I secretly suspect that’s because, with most of these, there aren’t actually any words.

Nirvana’s most indecipherable masterpiece not only includes normal Mondegreens like “Low dud cock duds, bing defense is fuzz to live two pat ends,” and “Webby laster, and sustainer, ewwy on a, head container,” but also has a refrain that sounds like it’s being sung by a man who lacks a mouth and is holding his nose.

Ehhwo, ehhwo, ehhwo, eh wo Ehhwo, ehhwo, ehhwo, eh wo.

WAGGAYAGA. WAGGAYAGA. WAGGAYAGA. WAGGAYAGA.

Stairway to Heaven

Anyone who claims that they know the words in the falsetto part is a rotten liar and not to be trusted. I will stop being friends with you if you say this, or attempt to sing along. I firmly believe that Stairway to Heaven is just a Rorschach test for ears, and for ages Led Zeppelin has been collecting data on us, for nefarious purposes.

while (true) { He hinny hi but hinny ho Hey hinny way but hinny hay. } Lead zeppelin… GET IT?! Barbara Ann

Nevermind that Bob Baran, Director of Sales at Clark’s Ventilation, Topeka, is just not a good topic for a song. The Beach Boys are at the center of a conspiracy to convince us all that going “bababa” is talking. I don’t know what the point of this conspiracy is, but they definitely recorded this song on a sound stage in Arizona.

Baaah baaah baaah, ba Bob Baran Baaah baaah baaah, bababaran babababa bababababa BABABABABA. BABABABAAABAABABA!… Beethoven’s Fifth

Is it just me or are there no words in this song ANYWHERE?

What is it with Germany and incomprehensible lyrics? It’s almost as if we’re not speaking the same language as those idiots.

Jesus, Beethoven–what are you, deaf?

Supermassive Black Hole

There’s no way that there are actually any more words to this song than “supermassive black hole” and the occasional “ooh, baby”. The rest is just glorified squeaking and growling (and the occasional, rare, squeegrowl). Hey, Muse–it’s called a talk box. That means you should be TALKING into it.

Huuhhhhh, oouh, ooooeah, is suka sola Huuhhhhh, oouh, ooooeah, is suka sola Huuhhhhh, oouh, ooooeah, is suka sola (Mis shik smelting in the dilla lie, an asupa sona sentence sa supermassive) Huuhhhhh, oouh, ooooeah, is suka so — (Mis shik smelting in the dilla lie, an asupa sona sentence sa — ) –IS SHIKA SUPERMASSIVE?

SUPERMASSIVE BLACK AGHHHH. SUPERMASSIVE BLACK AUGHHHH. SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HEEURURGUGRGHHH.

SUPERMASSIVE BLACK COCK.

Tanzmetall listened to Supermassive Black Hole about four dozen times while writing this article. Allegedly it was “for research.” -Ed

“Yo yo yo, my rhymes be ill, my words be crass don’t get up in my grill, I’ll tesselate cho ass! Bitch, it ain’t mine, don’t get up in my face or I’ll shove you down an infinite staircase.”

Ahhhh… the only rap song to ever use the Shepard scale.

Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it.

You have been warned.

Perhaps its only redeeming charm comes from its origin in improv. And I don’t mean in the clumsy way 14 year olds on YouTube will call their random ramblings “improvised”, I mean MK is the artistic director of an improv troupe, and AJ and I are performing members of that troupe. Also featured are two other troupe members who will go unnamed, to protect the innocent. Or really, less-guilty.