Quickly men while the dog-water is still hot, we must load the rocket ship. Truly these smoked meat links will be the greatest ambassadors of mankind into the mighty hereafter. Whence has a food product more closely represented the best qualities of our race? The slender tube, packed with amalgamated meat, ready for a journey millions of parsecs in measure, all for the singular noble purpose of states rights! And here are the Yankee cavalry, or as I call them the stanky cavalry haha! Quickly then, azimuth 20 degrees, fifteen pounds of angular momentum, and zenith reading A-2. Fire!

Who the hell does John Pym think he is? So the king is trying to kill you and you go all ally-happy with the Scots? Don’t you remember that time that they fought you guys, like that one time with the swords and yelling? Yeah, that! Really and the king is so bad that you want him dead? I think this Ollie guy is a little nuts. Oh sure he goes on about removing popists and papists and whatever, but I have it on good account that he’s never had a proper Italian meal in his life. Maybe if he got a taste of what all those Catholics down in the peninsula were eating he’d feel better. But noooo we’ve all got to march in lock step with Calvin and Knox. Well whatever, I’m going to go to Preston Moor and get ready for the final countdown. I hear it will be quite the…..engagement? Bwahahahahhahahahaha!

Each September I drive up to stay with my aunt and uncle and help them harvest the fruit from their orchard in West Virginia, and this year was no exception. I have special blood-relative permission to eat one apple for every basket I pick. Uncle Herb loves his crop, but they do it as much because they love it as that they want the money. Uncle Herb always says if he just wanted the money, he’d go back to making applets for iPhones. But, he never liked working for Macintosh, although I could never tell exactly what was eating him, and so an orchard it was.

I found an old record in the middle of the apple I was eating. You know, one of those tiny LPs that they make especially for autumnal fruit. I don’t recall the name, but it was by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

I’d never heard this particular album, although my grandmother on the Smith side of my family might’ve mentioned it once or twice. She used to listen to a lot of Mr. Cave, and loved to collect his rarities. She was the one who got me into him, actually… she said his music was juicy, delicious, all red and gold imagery with saucy lyrics and pie-in-the-sky ideas. He was probably her favorite artist, although her favorite song was still Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros’ “Johnny Appleseed.”

I put the record on my miniature phonograph. Agh! What IS this garbage? All noisy and screaming hoarsely, and playing every note on their instruments at once as fast as they can… I usually like Nick Cave, but I’ve never heard him sound like this before.

Curious, I looked it up on Wikipedia. …Turns out they classified it as applecore.

“I have to eat more shredded wheat or else I’ll get gout again.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Yes I have a rash on my buttocks I’d like you to look at” – Winston Churchill during a doctors visit.

“My bowels feel like they are full of vomiting snakes” – Maya Angelou after eating a Los Grande Platter at Taco Superiore

Floats in moat a goat-stoat boat. Boat moat cold, so coats. Stoat in coat up to throat. Goats vote oats, stoats quote “bloat then goats”. Goats outvote compote. Stoat denotes float gloat. Remote goat demote by misquote “I hate oats”.