A.k.a. “NO”

Excerpts from Bulletin Board Posting Headlines at Woolford Community College, Juniper City, Michigan

-Quality 24 inch rims for sale, slightly stolen.
-Free rideshare to Detroit, chip in for ammo
-Babysitting and armed robbery for hire, call 724 858 8185.
-Information session on roads leading out of Michigan. Directions to Chicago, Minneapolis, New York available.
-Pimp-Master D’s Prosta-Service: Planning an event? Don’t forget the flams. Birthdays, Client entertainment, national holidays.
-Army Recruitment Info Sessions today at 2:00, 2:15, 2:30, 2:45, 3:00, 3:15, 3:30, 3:45, 4:00, 4:15, 4:30, 4:45, and 5:00.
-‘Please stop throwing trash through our front door’ The real story of how a neighborhood was turned into a landfill overnight due to a misprinted county ordinance. Author visiting next week.

Job Application Additional Materials

To Whom it May Concern:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hello,

I am writing to submit additional matériel for the position I previously applied to recently in the near past. Please review at your leisure and combine with my other qualifications in your estimation of my dedication.

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Would you like steamed or fried transgression?

Norm D. Apple’s statement of interest for Position #82945 at Denny’s Restaurants INC.

Prior to my being working in various faculties around the globe for the past several years, my life’s passion had been the food service industry. I believe that Position #82945 (Dish Washer I) would afford me the spiritual and physical self-realization that I have not been able to find in the world of academia.

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New from Milton-Bradley: BAIL OUT!

Play against your friends as a group of daring allied fighter pilots who have been shot down over enemy territory. Make your way through the European countryside as you attempt to escape to Sweden, Switzerland, or England.

Team up with underground resistance and partisans to report and sabotage enemy troop movements, materiel, and infrastructure.

But watch out! The Huns are out in force and you can be spotted by a patrol at any time! Get caught and be sent to the stalag! Game over!

Only the best flying aces can make it back to their own units and take revenge on the pilots who shot them down. Are you brave enough to…BAIL OUT!?

A Mischievous Cycle

In order to maintain sanity in the face of overwhelmingly crushed dreams, the average white collar office worker goes through a dramatic yet regular pattern during the course of a work week with very little exception.

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Yeti Attack!

CHEYENNE – Several thousand Yeti and Sasquatch have finally revealed themselves to humankind today when an army of the previously cryptozoologic creatures parachuted into and took over the capital of Wyoming, Cheyenne.

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Lull of the Atlantic

In the middle of the Battle of the Atlantic, there came a lull in the horrific action that required many U-Boat captains to come up with ad-hoc activities to keep their men battle-ready and the morale high. Most of these activities were equally mundane as doing nothing, but one Captain Hans Muller kept a log of his unique regimen, which was captured by the armed rowboat HMS Goodluck in 1942.

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Phantom Menace Notes

This transcript is from the original character development sessions at Lucasfilm studios in 1997 between George Lucas and a studio executive, discussing the characters in the proposed script for Episode I.

George: So did you get a chance to read the script?

Executive: Yes, and I’ve got to say I love it. The characters are so deep.

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Possessed Fax Generator

We have a system that generates a fax form using bits of information we input. With this one I put in very standard information, and somehow got this out of it.

This may be what’s wrong with the economy

I recently secured a desk job. That’s right, Grabass_Champion of gas station and pizza delivery fame was entrusted with a cubicle, a computer with TWO (count ‘em,) TWO monitors, and the capacity to send faxes to any damn fax machine on this planet. (Sometimes he faxes Iran images of Mohammed just for fun.)

So we don’t all forget each other’s names in this office environment, we all have signs on our cubicles with our names on them. The standard sign for my employment level looks like this:

One day when there was really nothing left to do, I got paid more than I’ve ever made in my life to painstakingly use Paint to turn it into this:

Top 10 Appropriate Places to Listen to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns’n'Roses

10. Upon touching down in an airport in an actual jungle, possibly within the Amazon River Basin.
9. None. There are no other appropriate places to listen to this song. Not. One.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4. ????
3. . . .
2.
1. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t really like the song very much.

List of Words I Am Attempting to Use More Often

In the spirit of advancing my vocabulary, I have started trying to substitute in casual conversation different words for the common ones typically used by people my age.

Yay – Huzzah
Awesome – Prodigious
Crappy – Ramshackle
Here – Hither
There – Yon
Idiotic – Antiwise
Confident – Indefatigable
Strong – Redoubtable
Large – Titanic
Go – Venture
Try – Endeavor
Discover – Remove from the foggy ether

I invite all of you to venture and endeavor this for yourselves for a full day. Bonus points if you dress like it is 1910. Have a prodigiously indefatigable day!

The Seeds of Myself: A melondrama by Norm D. Apple

Enter Mr. Water
Ho and what is this? My daughter Honeydew and her lover in mine marriage bed! Avast! Go for the into the wretched sun and be squeltched.

Honeydew: Nay for I am with fertility due to my boyfriend, C. Antelope. Would you kill thine own grandfruit what in passion persists to destroy?

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