Night Shift Collages

This is what happens when you leave convenience store clerks alone with a bunch of newspapers.

Perhaps the only article worth reading in the sports section.

Perhaps the only article worth reading in the sports section.

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FooTay's Facebook News Feed During The Zombie Apocalypse

Day 1:

Day 1

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Why I Never Get Madlibs for Christmas Anymore

Twas the night before I IMPREGNATED YOUR MOM, and all through the BUTT,

Not a POOP was BARFING, not even a SCROTUM.

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Clunkline at Two: A Retrospective

Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.

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Post-rock Band is Post-good

Neo-post-post-rock group To Hëll With The Dåmned! Said The Sætting Sün Over The Bättlefield Stårk! released its new eleven-disc album Monday to universal disapproval. Not one positive review has come from anyone anywhere, no matter how many drugs they were on at the time.

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Titles of Works Which Can Be Interpreted As References To Poop, Pooping, Or Farting

Poop

Marmaduke is the worst comic ever.

Marmaduke is a comic that is as old as my parents. It’s been drawn by the same fellow, one Brad Anderson, since 1954, and since the fateful day of its creation Marmaduke has served as a daily reminder that you don’t have to be funny or talented to be syndicated in newspapers nationwide.

I once read the entire Marmaduke comic described succinctly as “The big dog is on something you want.” I think there’s an even simpler explanation: the cartoonist is not funny at all.

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Ten Reasons a Mattress on the Floor is Better than a Bed

I have a bed. It’s sitting in the back of the somewhat derelict van that is parked in front of my house. I have actively chosen not to put it together since the end of July, because I, through my own sloth, accidentally discovered the greatest sleep-apparatus short of a hammock. Mattress on the floor is divine for the following reasons.

1: Endless nightstand. Do you really want to fuck around with a two-by-one-and-a-half-foot space for your alarm clock, cellphone, and everything else you’re way too lazy to put where it belongs? Stop, then! Your nightstand just became the floor within arm’s reach of your mattress. You have been liberated.

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The Skeeziest Gunslinger North of the Mississippi

Some say I’ve shot fifteen men. Others say twenty. I say fifteen women.

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My Graduate Thesis (Rough Draft)

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Rabies, Scabies, and Babies

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The Tardigrade Conference on World Domination

Ladies, gentlemen, and members of Tardigrade species for whom gender has no meaning… I welcome you to the twilight of humanity. For centuries, these worthless fools have debated the numbers of angels dancing on the heads of pins, while they should have been counting the numbers of us who were on those pins, killing those angels.
Supreme Leader Kleiner Wasserbär

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My Roommate: The Review

So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit.

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Sermon on the Brick

From the Desk of the First Church of Lego (Reformed)

Good morning, my fellow minifigures.

I have received many troubling confessions as of late. It seems many members of our community are harboring dangerous thoughts as to the nature of the Creator. Questions are being asked that can only lead to treason against the almighty Builder and His books of divine instruction. I have taken it upon myself to dispel these concerns once and for all so that all of us fellow bricks can once more unite in the name of Lego.

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Laziness through the ages

Let’s face it; people are getting lazier all the time. Everyone knows it, especially your grandpa who used to walk to school in the snow every day and blah blah blah derpy derpy doo and so forth. And in no aspect of our lives is this more apparent than in the way we get our food. Observe:

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