To Secure Nomination, Newt Gingrich Will Have to Prove He’s Just as Crazy and Incompetent as Previous Favorites

With former frontrunners Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman all fading in the polls, eyes are now turning to former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, who will have to prove just how criminally insane he really is in order to secure the nomination.

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Swing State Profiles: Nevada


Why A Swinger?

On Election Day, most of the decided voters are out trying to find Area 51 and the Crystal Skull, or are wasted off their ass at a 24 hour bar in Vegas.

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Swing State Profiles: North Carolina


Why A Swinger?
North Carolina don’t take kindly to political platitudes and unconfirmed muckraking in their democratic process.

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Swing State Profiles: New Hampshire


Why A Swinger?
Politics are a touchy subject in New Hampshire. Many people want either a candidate that will pay more attention to New England or one that will stop the terrible war with Vermont separatists which has already lasted some eighteen long years.

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Swing State Profiles: Michigan


Why A Swinger?
Rampaging robocops rebelliously reduce residents to random radical reserves.

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Swing State Profiles: Missouri


Why A Swinger?
Election Day in Missouri starts with everyone talking about how much they love Bud Light and Cardinals baseball. Then it ends.

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Swing State Profiles: Minnesota


Why A Swinger?
Many Minnesota residents do not have time to become informed on politics after compulsory anti-Yeti defense force service laws were enacted.

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Swing State Profiles: Montana

Why A Swinger?
Look, they just aren’t that bright up there.

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Swing State Profiles: Colorado

Why A Swinger?
Coloradians are generally insecure what with being continually asked by visitors to arrange themselves in circles.

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Swing State Profiles: New Mexico


Why A Swinger?
New Mexicans demand gifts of pelts and hatchets to garner favor, and many candidates just don’t care that much.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama's VP Picks, Part VI

Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius
Chuck “WHAT?!!” Hagel
Profile
Profile
Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat. Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama's VP Picks, Part V

Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine
Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb
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Profile
Virginia Governor Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine was an early Obama endorser, and came from the same town in Kansas as Obama’s mother. This has fueled speculation that he is Obama’s true father, which has in turn fueled further speculation that Kaine is a closeted black guy. Virginia Senator Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb won his election narrowly by not saying “macaca”. He’s under serious VP scrutiny as a result of his national security creds, his appeal to white Appalachians, and coming from Virginia.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama’s VP Picks, Part IV

Evan “Clintonite” Bayh
Hillary “Rodham” Clinton
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Profile
Indiana Senator Evan “Clintonite” Bayh is one of those VP contenders who leaves you scratching your head. You only hear about him with regards to his being from a swing state or how he’s a VP contender. You never hear, “Recent Bayh-sponsored legislation was really popular and successful.” Even Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd got on my good side recently with his hard-line opposition to the FISA bill, and if Dodd can do something, anyone should be able to. But the only thing Bayh has opposed that anybody noticed was Obama’s candidacy. New York Senator Hillary “Rodham” Clinton is Obama’s most bitter formal rival, who ran on a platform of “I Deserve Everything” earlier this year. The movement to conscript her as Obama’s running mate is vast, even though it would do no good for Obama’s candidacy, since her voters are already either for him, or they will be for him in November and just don’t know it yet.

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Safe State Profile: Rhode Island

Affiliation: Obama

Why?

What with Providence’s significant urban sprawl and hundreds of square miles of black tenement slums, support for a Muslim is pretty much given.

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Safe State Profile: South Carolina

Affiliation: McCain

Why?

South Carolina exhibits all the splendor of an Ante Bellum plantation, complete with super racism power. Seriously, don’t go there unless you are white and a protestant. Somehow I lived there and got out alive as a Catholic.

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